I’m an intern at a nuclear power plant. The group I’m with is about to start some work.

Group Leader: “All right, guys! Let’s go make history!”

Group Member: “Uh… no. That’s the opposite of what we want to do.”

My daughter’s roommate has a noisy guest. My daughter heads to a drugstore.

Daughter: “Where are your earplugs?”

Clerk: *Directing* “On that shelf over there. Yes. Down. Bottom shelf. Pink boxes.”

Daughter: “Dude, these are tampons.”

The NAW caption probably writes itself.

I get a phone call from someone saying they handle insurance for my appliances.

Me: “Are you with [Mortgage Company]?”

Caller: “No, we’re not, but I have a good deal on appliance insurance. If any of your appliances go down, we’ll cover any replacements, no questions asked.”

Me: “Hmmm…”

Caller: “There’s a one-time setup fee of $300, and then it will be $150 a month.”

Me: “In the past twenty years here, I’ve had two appliances go out. The replacement totaled $1,600. So you want me to pay $1,800 a year for what again?”

Caller: “Very well!” *Dial tone*

One of my biggest annoyances is when people pick and moan about minor oversights or mistakes, especially when it doesn’t matter or is so trivial that it doesn’t even need to be mentioned.

[Employee] doesn’t see things my way. Even with something like a comma instead of a full stop, he practically inflates with self-satisfaction at pointing it out. I avoid sending anything to [Employee] and stick to verbal communication only.

Unfortunately, I have to give a report, and [Employee] is one of the people who have to sign it off. It takes me a few extra days to check and double-check my report — time wasted, in my book — but I am not going to be publicly humiliated over a stupid inconsequential spelling.

I have already gathered all the material, done some investigation, and compiled it all. I double- and triple-check everything and send it over email.

It takes a few days, but the various signatures start to come in and everyone seems to be okay with it. But I hear nothing from [Employee]. In the end, I have to chase him, again over email.

Me: “Have you managed to look over the report? It is now pending your signature.”

Employee: “Well, I have to check it, after the mistake in [report months ago]!”

Me: “We do have a deadline. Can you get this back before the end of the week?”

The week ends, and halfway through the next week, [Employee] emails everyone on the list.

Employee: “Sorry, I am unable to sign the report because of the number of mistakes! Page thirteen, line seven lists the factor as 7. But it should be 7.1! On page twenty-three, line two, the extract has the wrong number…”

And so on.

Senior Engineer: “[Employee], I gave [My Name] that information and he simply compiled that section. There is no value in making any of those changes. Please sign if they are your only concerns.”

Employee: “Sorry, but no, I cannot. My name is my integrity.”

Senior Engineer: “[Employee], the data was from your reports. The mistakes are yours. If you wish to cling to these issues, please sign and make the second amendment yourself.”

[Employee] signed the document that day!

Recently, I have had a number of halogen headlights blow far sooner than they should. I go to a chain of motor factors and ask them for LED headlights instead, which are more durable. They assure me they are compatible and legal.

A car needs a safety inspection — “MOT test” — by the government every year. Some weeks later, mine is due.

Inspector: “I’m afraid your car will fail. Your headlights are too dim.”

Me: “Huh? It was only installed a month ago at [Motor Factors].”

Inspector: “My equipment says they aren’t bright enough.”

Me: “There’s a [Motor Factors] up the road. My bicycle is on the back of my car. I can cycle up, buy new bulbs, and be back in five minutes.”

Inspector: “You’ve already failed. Sorry, mate, there is nothing I can do. Fix it and book a new test.”

After the inspection…

Inspector: “I’m going to pass you, with an advisory on one condition. I am ordering you to have these lights sorted. Immediately. Like you say, there’s a [Motor Factors] up the road.”

Me: “Thanks, buddy. I’ll do that.”

I go direct to [Branch #1]. I had the headlights changed at [Branch #2], but they’re the same chain, right? I explain to the cashier.

Me: “Hey, fellas. I had my headlights changed at [Branch #2] three weeks ago. I’ve just come from the MOT, but they are too dim.”

Employee #1: “Really? I’ll get a colleague. Hey, [Employee #2] help…?” *Points to me*

Me: “[My Name].”

Employee #2: *In a foreign accent* “Hello, Mr. [My Name]. Where car?”

I take him to my car in the car park.

Employee #2: “What is problem happened? How help?”

Me: “It failed the MOT because the headlights your colleagues installed at [Branch #2] are too dim.”

Employee #2: “Really, MOT fail?”

Me: *Thinking carefully* “Yes, it failed the MOT.”

Employee #2: “Open front, please Mr. [My Name].”

I open the bonnet and he examines the headlights. [Employee #3] arrives.

Employee #2: “Oh, dear. That reverse light.”

Me: “Huh? No, buddy, that’s a headlight. The reverse light is at the back.”

Employee #2: “Is reverse. I sure. Very ‘oh, dear.’”

Me: “But we’re at the front of the car?” *To [Employee #3]* “What’s going on here? Why is he telling me I have reverse lights in the front of my car?”

[Employee #3] looks at the car and then responds in a local accent.

Employee #3: “He means they’re supposed to be headlights, but the bulbs are reverse lights.”

Employee #2: “Also is LED. Is wrong. Must be halogen. Maybe Lambo Maserati Xenon LED. Or Mercedes.”

Me: “Maserati… What? This is a cheap car. What is going on?”

Employee #3: “I think he means you have reverse lightbulbs for headlights, which if true, would explain why they are dim. I haven’t seen for myself, but [Employee #2] has never been wrong. He doesn’t understand why you have LEDs on a car like this.”

Me: “Car… like this? Pardon?”

Employee #3: “I’m sorry, that’s badly phrased. Normally, only luxury cars have LED headlights. For example—”

Me: “A Maserati?”

Employee #3: “Yes. [Employee #2] thinks that your car should have cheaper halogen bulbs because, erm, it’s a value brand. That’s what it would have been sold with.”

Employee #2: “Yes, a value cheap like this car.”

Me: “Now I understand… but your colleagues at [Branch #2] installed it. I told them halogen bulbs weren’t lasting me, so I wanted LED headlights, instead.”

Employee #2: “No LED! Need halogen. [Employee #3], I get halogen for the Mr. [My Name]. I think half price.”

Employee #3: “No. Please, [Employee #2], get the boss? Because this is [Motor Factors]’s mistake, it is his responsibility.”

Employee #2: “I get big boss!”

Employee #3: *To me* “Don’t mind [Employee #2]. He has trouble expressing himself, but he understands everything. He’s an automotive electrician.”

A manager arrives.

Employee #3: “Hey, boss. What happened — I think — is this gentleman had problems with halogen headlights blowing, so he asked [Branch #2] to install LED headlights. They did that and now he’s failed his MOT because they are too dim.”

Manager: “Well, yes. Headlights are brighter than a reverse light. So, obviously. Hey, [Employee #2], can you swap a headlight and reverse light?”

Employee #2: “Now you want me to swap reverse light with headlight? Silly idea with a crazy man!”

Manager: “No, I mean ‘is possible to swap’.”

Employee #2: “Yes, is possible. Swap easy. Same size, voltage, everything. For this cheap car, headlight is halogen, reverse is LED. Maybe why the mister have wrong LED headlight dim. Our computer, it no can research LED headlight for cheap car like this. So instead, [Branch #2] they fit headlight because also fits. Silly people. They no understand reverse light too dim for headlight.”

Manager: “Right, I’m sorry for your trouble. What has happened, I think, is when you asked [Branch #2] for an LED headlight, they couldn’t find one for your car. Our system is programmed to only offer LED headlights to cars originally sold with LED headlights. Yours would have been halogen. To satisfy you, they used a reverse light. They thought that they would get away with it because it fits, but maybe they didn’t understand that it is too dim to be a headlight.”

Me: “Now I understand… but I failed my MOT? And I need new headlights?”

Manager: “We’ll pay for the re-test. I’m sorry this has happened; I’ll feed it back to Head Office as a learning point. Hey, [Employee #2]?”

Employee #2: “I halogen headlight get for the mister?”

Manager: “Yes, please, for… the customer. Please, can you install them?”

Employee #2: “Charge free discount fifty?”

Manager: “Pardon?”

Employee #2: “Yes! Do I charge the mister, or is free? Or I discount?”

Manager: “No, it’s free. Because our friends at [branch #2] made a mistake.”

Employee #2: *To me* “I free your lightbulbs! Please open bonnet? Or… hood, is American? I give you will have good brand, not [Motor Factors] trash.”

Manager: *Cracking up* “That’s fine. Give him a good brand. This customer is a regular here. I believe him without the receipt.”

[Employee #2] arrives with two lightbulbs. He removes both old bulbs — one per hand — and installs the new ones — one per hand — all in about five seconds flat.

Employee #2: “Okay, you Mr. [My Name], please enter car, and turn on lights because test.”

I start the engine and turn on the lights.

Employee #2: “Very nice. Like Nicole Scherzinger, your pretty girlfriend.”

Manager: *Cracking up again* “[Employee #2], we don’t make presumptions!”

Employee #2: “Tom Cruise? Maybe you like men. So then I can have Nicole.”

The manager looks horrified. I nearly fall over laughing and the boss relaxes.

Employee #2: “Now you pass MOT! Please, you go to [Government Agency] Internet website. Make new test. Anything new, Mr. [My Name]? No? Nice weekend, pleasure meet!”

[Employee #2] went back inside the store, followed by the boss and [Employee #3] in fits of laughter. I just felt guilty for saying it failed instead of passed with an advisory.