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So Funny We Forgot To Laugh

, , , , , | Working | October 1, 2021

My boyfriend and I had a fun date night out on a rare day we both had off. We went to a baseball game and then arrived at a casino for some more fun. We approached the bar to order a drink before going to play. My boyfriend is a police officer and I am a correctional officer.

Boyfriend: “Hello! Can I get a [beer]?”

Bartender: “Of course! Just let me check your ID.”

The bartender checks my boyfriend’s ID before asking me what I’d like. 

Me: “Could I have a [cider], please?”

I had my ID over automatically because, even though I’m in my mid-twenties, the majority of people joke that I look about sixteen. The bartender looks over my ID for a long time before telling me he won’t serve me.

Me: “I am old enough and it’s obviously my ID. What seems to be the issue?”

Bartender: “You have Interlock on your ID; no alcohol for you.”

Interlock is something put in vehicles for people who have had multiple DWIs. I have never gotten a speeding ticket, let alone a DWI, so I was instantly upset with the bartender. My boyfriend put a hand on my arm to remind me to cool off.

Me: “Sir, I am not trying to be rude, but I do not have Interlock on my ID and would just like a beverage.”

Bartender: “No, I can’t serve you. Here’s your ID.”

Me: “Are you—”

Boyfriend: “Sir, can you show me exactly where it states that on her ID?”

Bartender: “Well, it actually doesn’t. I just thought she looked too young and wanted to make a joke.”

I was silently fuming.

Boyfriend: “We will take the [beer] and [cider] now.”

The bartender finally gave us our drinks and snacks. I glared and made eye contact with him and he quickly looked away. He did not get a tip.

Football Isn’t More Important Than A Paycheck!

, , , , , , | Working | September 30, 2021

When we moved into our house, it was December, and all the trees were bare. An engineer from [Satellite Broadcaster] installed our satellite dish for us, but it had to go on the side of the house as he could not get a signal from the back. He did say it might need raising in the summer, but we will see how things go.

It is now June, and at the time of this story, both the health crisis and a major football tournament are taking place. A rather large tree in our neighbour’s garden is in full bloom. Our satellite signal keeps cutting out and the channels are patchy at times. We know what the problem is and that we can’t do anything about the tree, so we decide to contact [Satellite Broadcaster]. I go online and find they have an appointment free that afternoon. Excellent! [Engineer #1] arrives at about 3:30 pm.

I explain what the problem is and what we would like done.

Engineer #1: “Yeah, I think I can do that.”

Due to the ongoing health crisis, I have to keep my distance from the engineer, so I let him get on with things and do a few jobs around the house. He gets several phone calls and I do hear him saying something about, “I can’t; I’m on a job,” but I don’t really pay much attention to it. After about fifteen minutes, he comes back in.

Engineer #1: “Um, I left my drill at my previous job. I’ll just need to go and get it.”

And off he goes. A couple of hours pass and it is very clear he isn’t coming back. We suspect he has bunked off to watch the football! Furious, I call [Satellite Broadcaster] and explain the situation.

Operator: “I am so sorry about this! There are no notes on the system about this. If he had to leave for a reason, he would have put something there. Can I put you on hold for a moment whilst I try and contact the engineer and see what happened?”

He comes back to the phone a few minutes later.

Operator: “I tried both the engineer and his manager and can’t get a hold of either of them. Once again, I deeply apologise.”

Me: “That’s okay; it’s not your fault.”

The operator gives us a voucher worth £14 to download some movies onto our box and then speaks to his manager to see what they can do.

Operator: “The next available appointment is not for a few days; however, we do have a team that deals with emergencies that can get to you faster. They will contact you later tonight or tomorrow morning, to book a time slot.”

Me: “Thank you! I appreciate that.”

We have also had a few problems with our broadband, also provided by [Satellite Broadcaster], which the operator notices, so he helps us with that, as well. He is a very friendly and helpful guy and I end the phone call feeling relieved that something will be done.

The next morning, I have to head to work, so my partner, who is working from home, keeps an ear out for the phone. The phone rings.

Scammer: “Hello, I am from [Satellite Broadcaster] and your broadband will be cut off within twenty-four hours…”

Partner: “…unless I download a program which allows you access? No, thanks. I am terminating this call.”

He then called [Satellite Broadcaster] to double-check and to report the call, and they were also able to sort out a new appointment for the engineer. Once again, we were in luck; a spare slot was free that afternoon. [Engineer #2] arrived.

My partner explained what we wanted done and what had happened with [Engineer #1]. [Engineer #2] was genuinely shocked at this and was able to move our dish so the tree was no longer blocking the signal. He did this with no problems at all, and whilst doing so, he made phone calls trying to see if [Engineer #1] was anyone in his team. To his relief, he wasn’t.

Our satellite signal has been absolutely fine ever since, with no more pixelly programmes. We never found out what happened to [Engineer #1], but if he did skive off to watch the football, we hope it was worth it.

Move Or Be Moved

, , , , , , , | Working | September 30, 2021

I’m about to pick my kids up from school. As I turn the handle on the door, someone presses the doorbell. I open the door and a guy with a clipboard is stood there.

Me: “Not a good time; I’m leaving the house.”

Guy: “It won’t take a moment.”

Me: “I don’t have a moment. I need to leave, now.”

Guy: “I’m sure you have a moment to hear about the great savings.”

Me: “Look. You move or I go through you.”

He looks me up and down and smirks.

Guy: “I don’t think that is going to happen.”

Me: “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

I go to step around him, but he actually pushes me back. I am not much to look at but I’m deceptively strong and have trained in martial arts for several years, so I at least have a bit of an idea of how to handle myself. I step on his instep, collapsing his knee, and let him fall into the nearby bush.

Me: “Like I said, move or be moved.”

The next day, someone claiming to be the guy’s manager came to my door. But I was able to show him the video of the guy pushing me first. And before I could finish my sentence, the manager apologised and muttered something about, “Not again.”

The company didn’t bother me afterward.

This Is The Wrong Place For A Meltdown

, , , , , , | Working | September 30, 2021

I’m an intern at a nuclear power plant. The group I’m with is about to start some work.

Group Leader: “All right, guys! Let’s go make history!”

Group Member: “Uh… no. That’s the opposite of what we want to do.”

I Think That’s The Wrong Hole

, , , , , | Working | September 29, 2021

My daughter’s roommate has a noisy guest. My daughter heads to a drugstore.

Daughter: “Where are your earplugs?”

Clerk: *Directing* “On that shelf over there. Yes. Down. Bottom shelf. Pink boxes.”

Daughter: “Dude, these are tampons.”

The NAW caption probably writes itself.