Couldn’t Handle The Reality Of Reality

, , , | Working | August 28, 2017

(I’ve interviewed a series of candidates for a position. One young guy comes in with no real experience, but he is really keen, and he mentions that he is just looking for a chance to prove himself and that he is really excited to have a “real” job apart from part time. He interviews well and we agree to give him a chance on a junior role. He gets his offer letter and we wait to hear from him about confirming his start date. He doesn’t respond after a day or two so I give him a call.)

Me: “This is [My Name]. We were hoping you would be able to confirm your start date. Did you get the letter?”

Candidate: “Sorry, I did, but my boss wasn’t in today, so I couldn’t sort it out.”

Me: “Okay, well, please let me know tomorrow where we stand.”

Candidate: “I will, thank you.”

(The next day comes and goes, and I have to ring him again.)

Me: “This is [My Name]. We haven’t heard from you today. We need to set up your computer and induction. What is happening?”

Candidate: “I’m sorry. I wanted to leave on [date we asked him to], but I didn’t put my notice in writing. I’m speaking to my boss tomorrow to sort it all out.”

Me: “Okay, we need to make a move here. We have plans in place and are keen to get you started. You were originally supposed to start [next week]. We need to know where we stand as this is urgent for us.”

Candidate: “Okay. I promise I will ring you tomorrow.”

(When he doesn’t ring the next day, I’m too busy in a meeting to get back to him. Instead, the day after, I call and get no response. I call the agency who sent his CV in and they can’t get hold of him. After a week of nothing [and a need to get someone employed urgently], we withdraw our offer in writing. A full week passes before he calls and gets my voicemail.)

Candidate: “What’s going on? I just got this letter. I told you I was sorting it out. It was only going to be a few more weeks. You’re just like [Other Company]. You suck.”

(Something told me he wasn’t ready for a “real job” yet.)

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Time To Shed Away That Staff Room

, , , , , | Working | August 25, 2017

(In a small town I live in, I have a shed in my garden, which I use as a sort of studio for drawing and writing. I recently notice food and supplies going missing. I assume it’s just my memory or some pranks by friends, until one day, the door opens while I’m working in there.)

Woman: “You! Who are you? What are you doing in our staff room? Are you new?”

Me: “Uh…”

Woman: “Out! Out! It’s not a break time yet! I have a phone call to make and I need my coffee. I can’t concentrate with you in here!”

Me: *losing my temper* “Hey! This is my study! Get out!”

Woman: “This is our staff room! I’m calling the police.”

(It turned out the woman was the manager of a shop that backed onto my garden, and had been using my study as an office and staff room for some time now. The rest of her staff had tried to convince her it wasn’t hers, but she wouldn’t listen. Despite everything, she kept calling the police every time I was in there, and when I fitted a lock, too. Eventually I moved out.)

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Reading Like They Were Born Yesterday

, , , , , | Working | August 23, 2017

(I’ve just turned 21 and am at our local liquor store near our college, buying my first legal bottle of alcohol.)

Employee: “May I see your ID?”

Me: *dutifully hands over driver’s license and straightens up proudly*

Employee: *stares intently at the license for 10-15 seconds and hands it back*

My Friend: “Aren’t you going to wish him a happy birthday? He’s 21 today!”

Employee: “Oh, no sh**?! Happy birthday?” *grabs my license back* “Where’s the birth date on this thing, anyway?”

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Gorillas In The Rig

, , , , , , | Working | August 23, 2017

(I am nine years old when this story takes place. I am with my mother at a popular event with many carnival rides and games set up. I see one game is giving out giant gorillas as their “big” prizes.)

Me: “I want to try that!”

Mom: “You won’t win anything good. These games are all rigged.”

Me: “I don’t care. I want a gorilla!”

Mom: “Okay, you get one chance but then we have to go before we miss [Popular Dog Competition].”

(The game in question is one where you have to throw a ball at a large table with holes cut into it. The holes are painted various colours, each corresponding to a prize. There is only one green hole on the entire table and if your ball lands on it you win a big prize. I toss my only ball and it lands on the green hole.)

Me: “I did it!”

Man Running The Game: “HOLY S***, I THOUGHT THAT WAS RIGGED!”

(Everyone in the surrounding area heard this and when we came back later that day a different person was running that game. I don’t know if the guy had to leave for rigging the game or for telling everyone, but at least I got a gorilla out of it.)

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Deconstructed Reconstructed

, , , , , , | Working | August 21, 2017

(I’m the customer. We love our deli’s meatball sandwiches, but we want to buy them to eat later and don’t want them to get soggy. So we’ve started buying them as “DIY” sandwiches — we order the pieces separately and construct and heat the sandwich at home. I stop in today for a sandwich.)

Me: “I want 4 meatballs, 4 pieces of cheese, a sourdough roll, and a pint and a half of sauce.”

Counter Guy: *with confused look* “…”

Me: “Is there a problem? It’s a DIY meatball sandwich…”

Counter Guy: “I’m trying to figure out how to charge for this.”

Me: “Well, it’s basically just a meatball sandwich with one extra meatball, one extra slice of cheese, and an extra pint of sauce.”

Counter Guy: *with a deep look of concentration* “Okay.”

Me: “Also…”

Counter Guy: “Not right now; I’m doing math.”

Me: “…”

(After a couple of minutes, I add a pint of potato salad, gave him my name, and am told he’d call me when my food is ready. 15 minutes later, my order comes up. I see the potato salad and the paper-wrapped roll.)

Me: “Where’s the rest?.”

Counter Guy: “It’s all there.”

Me: *concerned, picking up the paper wrapped package* “Oh. You… built the sandwich.”

Counter Guy: “Wasn’t I supposed to?”

Me: “No. That’s why I…”

Counter Guy: ” Next time, ask for four meatballs and a roll…”

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