I Am Number Four… Again

, , , , , | Working | April 8, 2018

(I am a senior in college, working four jobs, because due to several incidents I have been traumatized by roommates and need to pay for a place of my own. My parents insist it be in a “safe” area, which means it will be expensive. Also, I can’t find single full-time job that works around my school schedule. This happens at my job at the university box office a few weeks before finals, when I am working an average of about 70 hours per week. The box office job is my “easy” job, where I’m allowed to do homework. I just came from three days of doubles at my other jobs, and stayed up late the night before working on a project. I’m alone in the office and dozing when the phone rings, waking me.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Drugstore] on [Street], [Drugstore slogan]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: *silence*

Me: *realizing* “Um, I mean, thank you for calling [Sporting Goods Store] at [Local Mall]. Which department were you hoping to speak to?!”

Caller: “I don’t think that one is right, either, sweetie.”

Me: *now slightly panicking* “Right! I meant, welcome to the [Non-Profit that I both volunteer and work for]! No, wait. That’s not right, either.”

(At his point, the caller is laughing hysterically, and the fog clears from my head long enough to realize it’s the woman who works in the office that oversees the box office.)

Me: *laughing, too* “I’ve got it this time! Thank you for calling [University] box office. How can I help you today?”

Caller: *no response, only laughter*

I Am Number Four

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Spiritually Stone-Faced

, , , , , | Working | April 7, 2018

A new “New Age” shop has opened in town and I go to have a look. I’m not that spiritual, myself, but my father was. He died back in 2005, but since he was a hobby archaeologist and a New Age enthusiast, I often look for special stones to put on his grave when I visit him. I happen to mention that to the woman running the shop and suddenly, she happily says, “Yeah, dead fathers are nice, aren’t they?”

My eyes go wide with shock, and I say, “Excuse me?”

Then she explains how nice it is that fathers always look after their children, even from heaven or the afterlife. I relaxed a bit then, but for real, that’s not something you say like that!

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Strawberry Fields, Not Quite Foreve

, , , , , | Working | April 5, 2018

(My husband and I are shopping at a grocery store bakery, and we decide to pick up a cake. There’s a really nice-looking layer cake decorated with whole strawberries, but on closer inspection we see mold on most of the berries. We decide to pick it up and bring it to the counter to let them know.)

Me: “Hey, I just thought you should know this cake has mold on it; you might want to take it off the display so no one buys it.”

Bakery Employee: *looks at the cake* “The ‘best before’ date is not for another three days; it’s fine.”

Me: “Oh, but did you look at the top? There’s mold all over the strawberries.”

Bakery Employee: “Well, the cake’s not expired, so it has to go back on the shelf.”

Husband: “But it’s covered in mold; it really isn’t good for anyone to eat that.”

Bakery Employee: “Well, don’t buy it, then. We’ll take it off the shelf in three days when it’s expired.”

Me: “Why would you leave it on the shelf? What if someone else doesn’t see the mold and buys it? You need to take this to the back and throw it out.” *we hand her the cake and walk away*

Bakery Employee: *calling out after us* “But it’s not expired yet!”

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I’m Just Dead-Horsing Around

, , , , , | Working | April 5, 2018

(My family has just flown back to the UK from a trip abroad. My sister and her husband, who no longer live in the UK, are renting a car to use for the week they are staying with my parents. After a long, very delayed flight, we are tired and sweaty, and we just want to get the car and go. Naturally, the agents at the car rental office are eager to up-sell my sister to a bigger car and go through all the tricks, even trying to convince us that we will never fit all our suitcases in the car. The agent suggests we look at the car just to be sure we don’t want the bigger one. Her husband and I go outside to see the car. The agent pops the boot.)

Agent: “See? Not a lot of room here. Not for your five bags.”

(I am so fed up at this point that I just want us to be done; I know we can fit the bags with no problem.)

Me: “I’d fit a dead horse in there.”

(I must have delivered it with a very serious tone; the agent just went silent and stared at me for a moment, before quietly closing the car, returning to the office, and completing my sister’s rental application without much more to say. It’s worth noting that both my sister and I love animals, are vegetarians, and would never dream of hurting animals… but I was fed up.)

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Your Argument Doesn’t Have A Bare Foot To Stand On

, , , , , | Working | April 4, 2018

(I’m walking by a small corner store not far from where I live. I see someone get kicked out for not wearing shoes or socks, as it “breaks the health code.” This upsets me, as there is no health code violation for being barefoot absolutely anywhere. I talk to the person and bring them back in, as there is no sign forbidding it, and there is no health code entry for it. I take my shoes off, as well, to help defend the argument.)

Employee: “Didn’t I just tell you to leave?! And now you brought another one?! Get out of this store!”

Me: “Actually, I came to inform you that you are discriminating. There is no health code violation anywhere in all 50 states saying you can’t be barefoot in a store, and there is no sign stating that there is a dress code violation. I’d like to see your manager on behalf of [Person].”

(The manager comes out and we explain what happened.)

Manager: “I’m having trouble seeing the big deal here.”

Employee: “It’s simple! You can’t just walk around outside without shoes! Your feet get all dirty, and its bad!”

Manager: “That’s not true at all. I barely ever wear shoes outside of work, and the only reason I wear them here is that there could be sharp things on the floor, since you don’t do your job at keeping the floors clean!”

(The employee gets flustered, and started looking embarrassed.)

Manager: “As long as you guys promise not to hold us accountable for any foot-related injuries you may obtain, I’m fine with it.”

Employee: “God, you people are a sin!” *runs out of store*

Manager: “God, I hope he quits. I do not want to send him a severance check.”

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