(I am shopping for shoes and am being “helped” by the salesman. Note that there is no language barrier.)

Me: “Um, I don’t think this pair is going to do it.”

Salesman: “What’s the matter with them?”

Me: “They don’t fit.”

Salesman: “But what’s wrong with them?”

Me: “They hurt here…” *pointing* “…and here…” *pointing* “…and they are squashing my toes.

Salesman: *gets agitated* “But what’s wrong with them?!”

Me: “I think the toes may be too pointy. I guess I have rather square feet.”

Salesman: “But you don’t like them?!”

Me: “No, I think my toes are too—”

Salesman: “I can’t help it if you have stupid feet!”

(We receive a free newspaper from a local company every few days. My significant other and I are often out of the house from dawn to close to midnight during the week, though, and we get complaints from our landlady about leaving the papers on the stoop all day. We’ve been trying to have them stop sending them to us. This is our first phone conversation.)

Me: “Hi. I’d like to cancel the paper service to our address, please.”

Employee: “What’s your address?”

Me: *gives out address*

Employee: “It looks like you’re receiving the free service.”

Me: “Yes, but we don’t read the paper. It also clutters our stoop so our landlord gets mad.”

Employee: “But it’s free…”

Me: “Right, and that’s great for a lot of people, but we’d like to stop receiving them, please.”

Employee: “Fine!” *hangs up*

(We then started receiving three papers a day.)

(I work at a large factory and am spread across all three shifts. Sometimes, I don’t make it to certain areas for weeks. I’m also a newlywed of one year, and am the same size as when I got married. One day. I run into an older female employee.)

Employee: “Wow! Haven’t seen you in a while!”

Me: “Yes, sorry. It’s been crazy around here.”

Employee: “So, I have a question.”

Me: “Sure, what is it?”

Employee: “Are you expecting?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m not.”

Employee: “Oh! Well, marriage looks good on you then.”

Me: “Um, thanks?”

Employee: “Don’t worry, dear. I gained 40 pounds after I got married!”

Me: *speechless*

Employee: “There’s no shame in letting yourself go a little.” *winks*

Me: *speechless*

(We have just finished eating at a fast food restaurant. Suddenly, we hear an employee yell from the back.)

Employee: “I hate you, you stupid shake machine!”

Employee: “What drink would you like?”

Me: “I’d like a lemonade, please.”

Employee: “Okay, I’ll go get it for you.”

Me: “Okay.”

(The employee disappears around the corner to get my drink. Meanwhile, a slightly overweight man with a tag reading “Manager” comes along.)

Manager: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Me: “I’m being served already. You don’t need to serve me.”

Manager: “No.”

Me: “Sorry? No? Oh, well… um… I guess you can watch?”

(At this point, an employee comes back with a can of soda.)

Me: “Oh, no, sorry. I said lemonade.”

Employee: “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said [Soda]! I’ll go and get you another drink.”

(The employee disappears around the corner again. Meanwhile, she has left the soda on the counter.)

Manager: “This is why I’m fat!” *grabs the soda and drinks it in one big gulp* “So, what drink would you like?”

Me: “Um, I’m already being served.”

Manager: “What drink would you like?”

Me: “I’m already being served.”

Manager: “I said, what drink would you like?!”

Me: “I said, I’m already being served!”

Manager: *angrily* “WHAT DRINK WOULD YOU LIKE?!”

Me: “I am being served.”

Manager: “OH! YOU’RE BEING SERVED!”

(When the employee came back with my lemonade, the cup was disturbingly warm to the touch. Giving up, I left the restaurant, only to open up the cup later and find out it wasn’t even lemonade—it was some sort of slimy gunk.)