I’m a 911 dispatcher in my small Midwestern hometown. I’m working the third shift and I receive a call from someone in an absolute panic.

Caller: “My emu has escaped from my farm! I can’t find them anywhere!”

I take down the location information.

Me: “Okay, we’re going to dispatch an animal control officer.”

Caller: *Indignantly* “Aren’t you even going to ask me for a description?”

I could barely resist the urge to reply, “Yes, please describe your emu so we don’t confuse it with all the other 6’6″, ninety-pound birds that are currently roaming the streets at speeds reaching thirty mph.”

This happened a few years ago, and I was a random bystander.

A guy goes down outside a strip mall store. He has a medical alert bracelet on that says he has a heart condition. The paramedics get called, and they arrive QUICKLY. (Thanks, first responders!) They show up in a four-door pickup with a bed shell, all fire engine red, flashing lights and sirens, and fire department and paramedics all over the truck. They jump out and start hooking this guy up to a blood pressure cuff, sticking the heart monitor pads to him, etc.

A woman rolls up behind the paramedics’ truck and starts screaming at them.

Woman: “You cut me off at the intersection!”

You know, the truck with lights and sirens.

Woman: “Look at me when I’m talking to you!”

She keeps demanding that the paramedic LOOK AT HER as she melts down while he is starting CPR on the victim! The paramedic is ignoring her entirely, but he has to get something from the truck. She blocks his way. He moves her out of his way, telling her:

Paramedic: “Ma’am, this man is having a heart attack!”

This is where the woman pulls out pepper spray and hoses the standing paramedic directly in the face! But she’s not done. She sprays the second paramedic who’s kneeling on the ground, and just for the trifecta, she hoses down the heart attack victim, screaming:

Woman: “You’re too young to have a heart attack!”

I took that as my cue to take her pepper spray from her and hold onto her — with the help of some other bystanders — until the police arrived.

Still other bystanders were trying to help with CPR while some tried to help the paramedics wash their eyes out.

The police arrived and immediately put the woman in handcuffs. She then attempted to bite and kick the officers, which resulted in her being hog-tied and having her shirt pulled over her face, at which time she started screaming that they were sexually assaulting her.

And the kicker was that when the police arrested her, she started with, “Do you know who I am?!”

The results were two counts of aggravated assault (with a weapon) on paramedics, two counts of assault on police, one count of aggravated assault (with a weapon) on the heart attack victim (who survived), and resisting arrest with violence.

She also ended up being sued by the heart attack victim for $10,000,000, which she apparently had.

Her husband is a bank vice president and refused to make her bail. It took her thirteen days to get her family to bail her out!

I never found out the full results of her criminal trial, but a firefighter/EMT friend told me that the woman blamed a combination of medications/drugs and alcohol she’d consumed, and she apparently made a large donation to the fire department, did rehab, and got off after successfully completing rehab with some kind of trial diversion program.

Related:
Honestly, I’m Too Speechless To Come Up With A Title For This One

A guest at our hotel has had a medical emergency, and an ambulance has pulled up in front of the hotel. A guest approaches me at the counter.

Guest: “I have a car coming.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Guest: “I have a car coming… now.”

Me: “Is there something I can do for you?”

Guest: “Your pick-up and drop-off area is blocked.”

Me: “Yes, we have an ambulance there at the moment as, unfortunately, one of our guests had a medical emergency.”

Guest: “But I have a car coming.”

Me: “What exactly are you asking me to do, ma’am?”

Guest: “Isn’t it obvious?! Move the d*** ambulance!”

Me: “I can’t do that, ma’am. The ambulance will be there for as long as it takes to take care of the medical needs of our guest.”

Guest: “That is very inconvenient!”

“Not as inconvenient as having a heart attack,” I think to myself.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there’s nothing I can do. We have a lot of free space outside the hotel, though; your car is free to pull up anywhere along the street.”

Guest: “That is very inconvenient!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am.”

The guest stares at me for a little while, weighing her options, and sniffs.

Guest: “I didn’t want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice. I’m a platinum member.”

Me: “Congratulations, ma’am.”

Guest: “I’m a… platinum member!”

Me: “That’s amazing, ma’am! You must really love our hotels if you’ve clocked up enough nights to earn that loyalty level!”

Guest: “Are you not getting it?! I’m a platinum member! You need to move the ambulance!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the medical needs of our guest outweigh whatever loyalty level you’re on.”

Guest: “Why?! Are they a platinum member, too?!”

Me: “That’s irrelevant, ma’am.”

Guest: “It’s relevant because it’s inconveniencing me!”

Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.” 

I had to end the conversation there before I shouted at her big entitled platinum face.

A hurricane is coming in, and there is a mandatory evacuation happening on a thin stretch of a vulnerable coastal town. I am directing traffic coming out of the area when, suddenly, a woman driving an SUV comes up, trying to get back in.

It is already very windy, and the rain is coming down heavily, so I shout at her to make myself heard even standing close to her window.

Me: “Turn around, ma’am! This is a mandatory evacuation!”

Driver: “What’s going on?! I’m trying to get home!”

Me: “Do you live in [Town Up Ahead]?”

Driver: “Yes! Now let me through!”

Me: “Ma’am, no one is allowed this way due to a mandatory evacuation. Do you have anyone at home waiting for you?”

Driver: “No, but I have someone coming to repair my dishwasher!”

Me: “I don’t think they’ll be keeping that appointment, ma’am.”

Driver: “No! I made an appointment last week, and they will be honoring it! I told them I would complain if they didn’t!”

Me: “I can totally see that, ma’am.”

Driver: “What is that supposed to mean?”

Me: “It means you’re going to have to make that complaint because no one is going this way until the storm passes.” 

Driver: *Shouting over the raging winds and rains* “What storm?”

I work at a rural fire station, and while most of our services are directed via emergency services (911), we do operate a station line for the local community to ask questions. I take one of these calls.

Caller: “You need to come fill up my pool.”

Me: “Uh, ma’am, we do not do that. We’re a fire department.”

Caller: “I know who I’m calling! Who else am I supposed to call to fill up my pool?”

Me: “I’m not totally sure, ma’am, but once again, we are a fire department. Our engines use the water for emergencies, not for pools.”

Caller: “Well, my taxes pay your salaries and vehicles, so you need to come fill up my pool!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we cannot do that. Have a good day, ma’am.”

Caller: “But you’re the ones with the water trucks!”

Me: *Click*