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Rescue 911, Transylvania Edition

, , , | Right | April 11, 2009

(Note: South County is a psychiatric institution.)

911: “911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: “Yeah, I’m sorry to bother you but I am checking into South County tomorrow. I’m afraid to go cause there is a guy who works there who wears a star and says he’s a vampire.”

911: “People are allowed to be vampires if they want to be, ma’am.”

Caller: “Oh yeah? What if he tried to bite me?”

911: “Did he try to bite you?”

Caller: “No.”

911: “Give us a call back if he tries to bite you.”


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Might We Suggest Some Buckets

, , , , | Right | March 13, 2009

Tech Support: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. This is [Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, my God, my water pipes burst open over my server room! What the h*** do I do?!”

Tech Support: “Your office water pipes burst over your server room?”

Customer: “Yes! What the h*** do I do?!”

Tech Support: “Call the fire department! Why are you calling me?!”

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Flattery, The Best Medicine

, , , , | Healthy Right | August 26, 2008

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(An elderly lady falls down in her apartment and has a cut on her wrist.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, I am afraid, we have to go to the hospital. You will need stitches for that cut and an X-ray to make sure your wrist isn’t broken.”

Patient: “No, I don’t wanna go. Just give me a shot and it will be okay.”

Coworker: “You mean for the pain?”

Patient: “No, so it will heal!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t have this kind of medication.”

Patient: “But it worked last time!”

Coworker: “Someone gave you a shot and the wrist healed by itself?”

Patient: “No, my sugar was too high and they gave me a shot and everything was okay!”

Coworker: “I see… Well, I can’t fool you; you know this stuff! Listen, I can give you a shot for the broken wrist, but this counteracts the anti-sugar medicine. So every time your sugar is too high, you can never get a shot again.”

Patient: “Never ever?”

Coworker: “Never ever again…”

Patient: “So why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”

Coworker: “Well, not every patient has such an understanding of medicine as you, so I always try to keep it simple.”

Patient: “Okay, then let’s go to the hospital.”

Coworker: “Gladly.”


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Priorities

, , , , | Right | August 6, 2008

(I work at the call centre for a major tollway which has two long tunnels. One day there is a major accident in the tunnel, with a fuel fire and multiple fatalities, obviously closing it. Twenty minutes later, I receive a call.)

Caller: “They are directing me off the tollway… There weren’t any signs about this.”

Me: “That’s right, there’s been a major accident in the tunnel. However, the police, ambulance, and fire service are all in attendance. The road is closed while they evacuate it.”

Caller: “But there are no signs about it! You always have signs when there’s a closure!”

Me: “If it’s a scheduled closure, we put signs up. Half an hour ago there was a major accident… I believe there has been a fatality. They are currently evacuating the tunnel and no one is able to drive through at the moment.”

Caller: “Half an hour? That means you should have signs up by now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, the maintenance crew who puts up the signs are assisting with the evacuation at the tunnel.”

Caller: “I don’t care about the accident. You should have signs!”

Me: “Tell that to the people trapped in the tunnel. Thanks for your call.”


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Your Urgency Is Not My Emergency

, , , , | Legal | June 1, 2008

Me: “9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “My phone’s been shut off and the only number I can call is 9-1-1.”

Me: “Are you calling about your phone being shut off or do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “My phone. I paid my bill. It should be working.”

Me: “You’ll have to take that up with the phone company.”

Caller: “Well, can you tell them to turn it back on? I paid my bill.”

Me: “No, you’ll need to contact them. This is the police department and this is an emergency line. I’m going to have to disconnect the call. You need to contact the phone company to get your phone turned back on.”

Caller: “But my phone’s not working! I need it fixed now!”

Me: “I’m sorry. This is the police department. We can’t fix your phone. You’ll need to hang up and contact your phone company. We can’t do anything about your phone.”

Caller: “Well, that’s not right! I need help. My phone isn’t working and what if I need it? What if I have an emergency?”

Me: “You just dialed 9-1-1.”


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