The Highs and Lows Of Parenting

, , , , , | Legal Right | September 1, 2009

Me: “9-1-1. Police, fire, or ambulance?”

Caller: “Police.”

Me: “What’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Is it illegal for a 14-year-old to be drinking Jack Daniels?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. And, one more question. Is it illegal for a 14-year-old to be smoking marijuana?”

Me: “Yes, it is, ma’am.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. My son told me it wasn’t. I’d like you to arrest my son, please. He’s been doing this for a couple of years now!”


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The Crazies Always Come Out When It’s Overcast

, | Right | June 5, 2009

Me: “911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: “You have to help me! Someone has been following me all day!”

Me: “Can you give a description of the person?”

Caller: “She’s all black, taller than me, and no face.”

Me: “Ma’am… that’s your shadow.”

Caller: “A what?”

Me: “Ma’am, a shadow is seen as a reflection of yourself when the sun is at a certain angle.”

Caller: “Oh my GOD! It’s like a fairy!”

Me: “No, it–”

Caller: “OH MY GOD, EVERYONE! I HAVE A FAIRY!”

Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

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It Turns Out You Can Be Too Safe

, , , , | Right | May 26, 2009

Caller: *on the phone* “My father-in-law was hit by a car while riding his bike. I need to get some advice about what he should do.”

Me: “Was he injured?”

Caller: “Yeah. I mean, he’s conscious and stuff, but he’s bleeding and in pain.”

Me: “When did this happen?”

Caller: “About five minutes ago. Can we sue the guy?”

Me: “I’m sorry, did you say this JUST happened? Have you called the police and ambulance?”

Caller: “No, that’s why I called you. I need to know what to do.”

Me: “Hang up and call 911!”

Caller: “Really? So we should take him to the doctor even though he doesn’t have medical insurance? Who’s going to pay for it if he dies? I can’t be responsible for that!”

(Sirens are heard in the background.)

Caller: “Oh, no, someone must have called, because a firetruck just pulled up… Am I going to have to pay for this?”

Me: “Sir, please deal with his injuries and make sure he’s taken to the hospital. You can call us back after he’s been treated if you need to and we’d be happy to explain how to get the bills paid. Right now you need to worry about him.”

Caller: “I ain’t doin’ anything ’til I know who’s gonna pay for this. I shouldn’t be stuck with this!”

Me: “In all likelihood, the insurance company for the driver who hit him will pay his medical bills.”

Caller: “I’m calling them, then…” *aside in background* “Don’t go messing with him; I gotta find out who’s paying for this before you go taking him anywhere!” *hangs up*


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Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia

, , | Right | May 15, 2009

Me: “9-1-1. Police, fire, or ambulance?”

Caller: “Help! Please, God, help!”

Me: “Sir, what’s the emergency?”

Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!”

Me: “Calm down… The police are well on the way as we are talking.”

Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh, my God, why me?”

Me: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?”

Caller: “Yeah. I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… He’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!”

Me: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell and ask what he wants?”

Caller: “Okay…” *yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!”

Pizza Guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!”


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The (Brain) Damage Has Already Been Done

, , , , | Healthy Right | May 6, 2009

(Note: 1-1-2 is Germany’s version of 9-1-1.)

Me: “1-1-2, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Oh, my god! Help me! Help me!”

Me: “Calm down, please. Can you tell me what happened, if someone is hurt, and where you are?”

Caller: “I’m at home, and my brain stopped working!”

Me: “Your brain… stopped working? Sir, if your brain would stop working, you would be dead. Can you tell me exactly what happened? Are you bleeding?”

Caller: “No, no. But my brain stopped working! At least half of it! Oh, my god, will the other half stop working as well?! Will I die?! My wife was right! I can’t believe it!”

(At this point, I’m unsure what to do. The man is really in a state of panic, but sounds otherwise fine.)

Me: “Sir, is your wife at home? Can I speak to her? If not, please tell me exactly what you did when your… brain stopped working.”

Caller: “I watched soccer! And drank beer! My wife always told me ‘When you don’t stop that crap, your brain will stop working’ and now it did! I was sitting on the couch and turned my head to look at the clock and suddenly I can’t move my head anymore because the left side of my brain stopped working! Help!”

Me: “Sir, it sounds like you only cricked your neck!”

(I start describing him what a cricked neck feels like and he agrees that this is indeed his problem and that he’ll see a doctor in the morning. I’m about to end the call, when…)

Caller: “Hey, dude…”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Is she right?”

Me: “Who?”

Caller: “My wife. You seem to know a lot about medicine and stuff, so can my brain really stop working from watching too much soccer and drinking beer?”

Me: “Well, alcohol is known for indeed killing brain cells when you drink too much, but you won’t–”

Caller: “Oh, my god! Thank you! I thought she was only kidding me, but when you say it, then I’ll stop! Thank you so much for saving my life! Thank you!”

Me: “Wait, I didn’t say–”

Caller: *hangs up*


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