The Show Must Go On

, , , , , | Right | December 29, 2009

(We’ve paused a film ten minutes before the end because a customer’s pulse has stopped. Fortunately, there’s a doctor in another movie who is able to help out before the ambulance arrives.)

Customer: “Excuse me, you stopped the movie. I wanted to see how it ended.”

Me: “Ma’am, we’ll continue the movie when the ambulance leaves. Someone almost died.”

Customer: “But we paid for our tickets. We deserve to see how it ends!”

Me: “I’m sorry, you’ll just have to wait. We will continue the film as soon as we can.”

Customer: “I can’t believe this! You stopped the film. We paid to see the whole thing.”

Me: “No, we’re going to continue the film where it left off as soon as we’re sure this man’s life isn’t in danger. We had to stop so the EMTs could do their job.”

Customer: “Could we get a refund?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, I can’t give you a refund because you’ll get to see the rest of the film if you wait. Refunds are only for situations where we can’t continue the film.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I wanted to see how it ended!”

Me: “Well, if you wait about twenty minutes I’m sure the EMTs will have had enough time and you can finish your movie. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is.”

Customer: “I don’t believe this theater. We’re leaving!”

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Driving Miss Crazy, Part 2

, , , , | Legal Right | December 21, 2009

(We’ve had to close down a road due to a car crash in a snow storm. Fire trucks and ambulances are there with lights flashing to block the road. I’m at one side of the street directing traffic.)

Driver: *slows down looking at the scene* “What happened?”

Me: “Accident, ma’am. Please keep moving.”

Driver: “Can I go down the street? It’s a shortcut.”

Me: “The road is closed, but you need to keep moving. You are going to cause another accident.”

Driver: “I didn’t cause any accident! I’m a good driver. How dare you imply that I’m not?! I’m just trying to get home. Why are you being so rude?! I will have your badge, you little b****!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you are not going to move then you need to pull to the side of the road now!”

Driver: “I pay your salary! You are supposed to help people! Don’t you want me to get home? I have a family, you know!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you do not pull to the side of the road right now or drive away I am going to arrest you.”

Driver: “Fine!”

(With that, she drives straight down the closed street and nearly hits me. Due to all the snow she loses control and crashes into one of the parked cruisers.)

Driver: “This is all your fault! Why didn’t you tell me the road was closed?!”


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Fighting Fire With Fire, Part 3

, , | Right | November 2, 2009

(A man walks up to our gas station pumps smoking a cigarette. I am working alone, so I talk to him using the microphone.)

Me: “Could you please move away from the pumps with your cigarettes immediately?”

Smoking Man: *shouts back to me* “Petroleum extinguishes cigarettes!”

Me: “You can’t smoke here. There are lots of explosive fumes!”

Smoking Man: “No, I am a fireman! We use petroleum to put out fires!”

Me: “I doubt that. I have now stopped all the pumps so no one else can get any gas until you leave the gas station.”

Smoking Man: “PETROL EXTINGUISHES CIGARETTES!”

(Just then, a customer who has been pumping gas speaks up.)

Customer: “I’ll f***ing extinguish you, you d***!” *chases Smoking Man out of the gas station*

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Bugging Out

, , | Legal Right | October 21, 2009

Me: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “If anyone calls about screaming coming from [Road], disregard it. I just had a bug on me.” *click*


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Displaying Full Evidence Of Idiocy

, , , , , , , | Right | September 29, 2009

A customer pulls up in a burgundy taxi, tells the driver to wait, and then comes into the store.

He then pulls a knife and a garbage bag, and tells me to fill the bag with cartons of cigarettes.

I fill the bag, and watch as the crook then runs into what he thinks is his burgundy taxi, and slams the door behind himself.

Unbeknownst to him, I have just watched the taxi drive away, after seeing him attempt to rob the store, and a burgundy cop car, driven by a store regular, pull up.

Now the cop has just pulled into the gas station to get fuel, and some random guy has jumped into the back of his cop car, holding a knife and a bag full of stolen cigarette cartons, and locked himself in…

It takes a full hour for the cop to take my statement, because we can’t stop laughing at the idiot who arrested himself while holding the evidence of his robbery.


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