Deal With The Burning Issue First, Part 2

, , , , | Right | May 13, 2011

(I work at directory inquiries.)

Me: “Which name, please?”

Caller: “I’d like the number for the local fire station.”

Me: “Searching for you now.”

Caller: “Can you hurry up? My kitchen’s on fire.”

Me: “Sir, hang up right now and then dial emergency services!”

Caller: “Hold on.” *he’s away for over a minute* “Right, I’ve got a pen and paper now. What was the number?”


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Impractical Jokes

, , , , | Right | May 10, 2011

Me: “911, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes?! Hello! I live at [Location]. My husband was stabbed by a madman! Oh, god! He’s outside my bedroom door! He’s knocking on it!”

Me: “All right, ma’am, a police–”

Caller: “What?!”

(Suddenly, there is a lot of talking and a bit of laughing.)

Caller: *to someone else* “You f***! You scared the s*** out of me! A prank?! I called the d*** police! I could have gone to jail!” *to me* “I’m sorry, ma’am. It’s a false alarm.”

Me: “Um, all right.”

Caller: “Actually, send over a cop car. I’m about to murder two men.”


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She Must Be High(lands)

, , | Right | April 25, 2011

(We get called to a hay-bale fire in a field. We were the first on scene, but we couldn’t see any fire. The incident was also right next to an air force base. I end up calling the person who reported the fire.)

Me: “Can you please tell us where the fire is, ma’am?”

Caller: *slurring her words* “It’s doon there in the field. There’s a few hay bales on fire, aye.”

Me: “Thank you. We will just have a look.”

(We look.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we couldn’t find any trace of a fire in that field. Are you sure you saw flames?”

Caller: “No, but I did see some odd lights in the sky. I thought it was one of them UFOs. I thought you would want tae have a wee bittie look!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am. We’re the fire brigade. We only deal with fires. Perhaps you would like to speak to the air force base next door?”

Caller: “Ach, it’s fine. I’ll just carry on watching the telly then, and hope the b****** dinnae come back!”


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Try Calling Nine-One-Number-Two

, , , , | Right | January 12, 2011

Me: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “I need help! Hurry, hurry!” *hangs up*

(I try to call back but get no answer. Two officers are sent. This is what I am told happened: The officers are met at the door by the caller.)

Caller: “In the bathroom. Hurry! Hurry!”

(The officers go to the bathroom, but don’t see anything wrong.)

Officer: “What happened? Why do you need the police?”

Caller: “My toilet is plugged up. I need you to fix it.”

Officer: “We don’t fix toilets. You need a plumber. 911 is for emergencies only.”

Caller: “This is an emergency. I need to use the toilet now!”


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Give Them A Dress And They’ll Want A Yard

, , , , | Right | July 18, 2010

(I sell a dress to a lady and she leaves. As I am coming back from hanging a sign, she returns to the yard sale.)

Customer: “I want to return this dress.”

Me: “This is a yard sale. I don’t take returns.”

Customer: “You don’t have a sign up. You should have a sign that says no returns.”

Me: “I don’t need one. This is a yard sale.”

Customer: *getting angry* “I want to return the dress. I don’t want it anymore!”

Me:  “This is a yard sale. I am not a store, so I do not take returns.”

Customer: “That’s dishonest; I’m calling 911!”

(The customer dials 911 on her cell phone and I hear her talking to the dispatcher.)

Customer: “Hello! I’m at a yard sale and they won’t take back my dress!”


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