Give Them A Dress And They’ll Want A Yard

, , , , | Right | July 18, 2010

(I sell a dress to a lady and she leaves. As I am coming back from hanging a sign, she returns to the yard sale.)

Customer: “I want to return this dress.”

Me: “This is a yard sale. I don’t take returns.”

Customer: “You don’t have a sign up. You should have a sign that says no returns.”

Me: “I don’t need one. This is a yard sale.”

Customer: *getting angry* “I want to return the dress. I don’t want it anymore!”

Me:  “This is a yard sale. I am not a store, so I do not take returns.”

Customer: “That’s dishonest; I’m calling 911!”

(The customer dials 911 on her cell phone and I hear her talking to the dispatcher.)

Customer: “Hello! I’m at a yard sale and they won’t take back my dress!”


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Emergency Services Must Be Pooped

, , , , , | Right | May 19, 2010

(I get dispatched to a call: ‘one-year-old male, possibly crying.’ We get on scene and the mother opens the front door with a happy and healthy baby in her arms.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”

Mother: “Well, my baby just looked terrible so I freaked out and called you guys.”

Me: “It’s not a problem. Can you tell me what happened?”

Mother: “It was right after dinner. He looked confused, turned bright red, and started crying uncontrollably.”

Me: “And when did he stop crying?”

Mother: “He just stopped right before you guys got here. I changed his diaper, and here we are.”

Me: “Ma’am, I think I know what the problem is. Your baby was just constipated.”

(At this point, the grandmother walks in the room.)

Grandmother: “You called 911? He had to poop! I told you he wasn’t ready for solid food! I’m sorry, guys. You can go back to the people who really need your help. I got this.”


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Lack Of Common Sense Can Get you Fired

, , , , | Right | March 31, 2010

(We monitor intruder and fire/smoke alarms. After activation, all fire/smoke alarms need to be manually restored by a user code.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] from [Company] calling. Am I speaking with [Customer]?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “We had a smoke alarm activation earlier today, and as per the instructions on your file we advised the fire service to attend. They found nothing wrong, but I’m calling to advise you that the smoke alarm needs to be reset.”

Customer: “You had a smoke alarm?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Customer: “And you sent the fire service?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Customer: “What the h*** did you do that for?”

Me: “Because those are the instructions we have on file, sir.”

Customer: “You should have sent a patrol! This is ridiculous!”

(Note that standard patrol response time is around 45 minutes, depending on various factors including traffic.)

Me: “Sir, if there was a confirmed fire on site, there wouldn’t be much a patrol could do.”

Customer: “They could have called the fire service!”


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In(tentional) Sickness And In Health

, | Romantic | March 14, 2010

(We respond to an unconscious diabetic. While my partner is treating the patient, I am asking the wife some questions.)

Me: “So is your husband on any medications?”

(She lists the medications her husband is on, including insulin.)

Me: “And has he been compliant with those medications lately?”

Wife: “Nope.”

Me: “Do you know why not?”

Wife: “Well we had a big fight last week, so I hid all his meds. He hasn’t found them yet.”

In(tentional) Sickness And In Health

, , , , , , | Healthy Right | March 14, 2010

(We respond to an unconscious diabetic. While my partner is treating the patient, I am asking the wife some questions.)

Me: “So, is your husband on any medications?”

(She lists the medications her husband is on, including insulin.)

Me: “And has he been compliant with those medications lately?”

Wife: “Nope.”

Me: “Do you know why not?”

Wife: “Well, we had a big fight last week, so I hid all his meds. He hasn’t found them yet.”


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