(I am the greeter for a large electronics chain store for the holiday season. I frequently say odd or random things and I tend to mishear people when I’m not fully paying attention. The supervisor over the cashiers starts talking to a coworker at the registers while I play with the tablet that I use to look up items on the store website.)

Supervisor: *says something I don’t fully catch*

Me: “What?! It’s going to rain on my corpse?!”

Supervisor: “I can’t even deal with you…” *walks away, shaking his head*

Coworker: *through her laughter* “He said we needed to write down your quotes!”

Me: “Would you like [Store] to email you exclusive coupons?”

Customer: “I have a [Store] credit card.”

(I’m about to ask the question again, thinking he didn’t hear me or wasn’t listening, but then I stop myself, thinking maybe that was his way of saying no to me.)

Me: “Um… I uh… I’m sorry, was that you answering my question?”

Customer: “YES! I have your card!”

Me: “Okay, soooo… does that mean you want us to send you emails, or you don’t want us to?”

Customer: “Isn’t that the same thing?”

Me: “No…”

(A customer about 15 years old walks up to the counter of our service department, holding a laptop bag. She places the bag on the counter and where the zipper section is on the bag has pieces sticking out of it. It looks like a strange box of french fries.)

Customer: “I need to get this laptop fixed. I have a service plan.”

(She hands me a receipt that has an extended service plan.)

Me: “What happened to this laptop?”

Customer: “I was staying in a hotel and opened the window because it was hot and decided to use the laptop in the open window. It fell out of the open window.”

Me: “How far did it fall?”

Customer: “I was on the eighth floor… so, however far that is.”

Me: “The plan only covers falls from about eight feet or lower. Basically any place you would use a computer under normal operation. It’s all covered in the terms and conditions you were given.”

Customer: “I don’t read those things… So, what are you going to do to fix the computer?”

Me: “Not much I can do. If we attempted to fix this… which I’m not sure we can do, it would be probably be more than this is worth to do it. It’s in hundreds of pieces.”

Customer: “The plan says it covers accidental damage.”

Me: “You were using it in an open window, on the eighth floor of a hotel. It falling is not an accident.”

Customer: “What do you call it?”

Me: “Negligence.”

(I am a mobile specialist. I not only do new activations and hardware upgrades but I also assist customers with troubleshooting issues on their mobile devices. It amazes me the number of grown adults who are incapable of following simple written directions. I’ve just done a hardware upgrade for a woman who is in her late 30s like myself. All that is left is to transfer the data from the old phone to the new.)

Me: “Would you like me to do the set up for you?”

Customer: “No, no, I can do this.” *looks at the screen as it finally turns on* “Whoa! What is this, now?!”

Me: “Can I see?”

Customer: “What did you do?! I have nothing here; what is this?!”

Me: *I peek at the screen* “Ma’am, just hit start, right in the middle of the screen.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Whoa! What’s all this, now?”

Me: “It’s just the terms of usage; all you have to do is click ‘accept.’”

(This goes on for sometime with the customer panicking at each new screen. I offer a few more times to do the set up but she insists she can do it.)

Customer: “Okay, what is this, now?”

Me: “It’s asking for your email address; just type it in and hit ‘next.’”

Customer: “Okay… Oh, for crying out loud, just cancel everything. This phone is garbage. I’ve lost everything. I want my old phone back!”

Me: “Ma’am, it just wants the password for your email. Just type it in a hit submit.”

(She finally gets the phone set up, we transfer her contacts and photos, and she leaves happy. An hour or so later she comes back in livid.)

Customer: “This phone is garbage! I can’t get into Facebook!”

Me: “Okay, may I have a look?”

(I see that she has the Facebook app open. I won’t lie; I’m a little shocked she managed to get that far alone.)

Me: “You just have to put in your username.”

Customer: “I did that! It doesn’t do anything!”

Me: “Okay, what is your username?”

(She gives it to me, I type it in and hit next. The password page comes up.)

Customer: “See?! That’s all it does! It’s garbage!”

Me: “Ma’am, it just wants your password. See, here there is a box for text and above it, it says ‘password.’”

Customer: “God, how am I supposed to know that?”

Me: “With all due respect, ma’am, the directions are clearly written. If you would just take a moment to actually read what the screen says?”

Customer: “Oh, honey, I don’t have time to read. That’s what people like you get paid for!”

(She then walked away cheerily, with her Facebook app up and running. I wish I could say this was a unique story but sadly it’s not.)

Me: “Good morning, sir. Did you find everything all right?”

Customer: *grumpy* “I couldn’t find [Obscure Movie].”

Me: “Well, I don’t have access to our inventory system at the cash register, but if you’d like to head over to customer service, they’ll be able to help you.”

Customer: “Well, can you radio over to those a**-holes to see if they have it?”

(I wanted to help him, but at this point, he loses me.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but there is a line at customer service, so I can’t radio over and have you jump the other customers.”

Customer: *angry now* “Well then get one of those a**-holes on the sales floor to find it for me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but here at [Store], we don’t hire a**-holes. If you’d like, though, I can find a sales associate to help you.”

(The customer proceeded to turn bright red, slam the stuff he was going to buy on the counter, and storm out.)