Years ago, I’m working in the computer department of my store, organizing the modem and router aisle because it’s messy.

A customer walks up to me, wearing a suit. He looks pretty concerned.

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I just returned my Wi-Fi.”

Me: “Can I see the receipt?”

This is so I can figure out what sort of Wi-Fi he means. It’s a Linksys router.

Me: “I’m sorry that this router didn’t work out for you.”

Customer: *Heaves a great sigh* “Actually, it did work out for me, really well, but my wife is afraid of aliens.”

There is something about that line that intrigues me, so I have to ask him what he means.

Customer: “I bought the Wi-Fi so that I could communicate with extra-terrestrial beings. But my wife was uncomfortable with me talking to them so much, even though she put foil on the walls to keep herself safe from the cancer rays.”

Me: “I… see?”

Customer: “I wanted to talk to you about a device I’ve read about called ethernet. I want to use that to talk to my alien friends. I can do it without giving my wife cancer.”

Me: “I… I would recommend calling [ISP]?”

To this day, I am not sure if he was joking with me or if I was getting terribly trolled, but either way, I’m sorry, [ISP] call center worker who had to speak to him! My crazy quota was filled that day!

Our store gets a call.

Caller: “Hello, sir, this is support services with [Video Game Creator Company].”

Instantly, of course, I know this is a scam. I adore this company and have played so many of their games. I can’t believe my luck! Of all the calls to answer!

Me: “Oh, uh… what can I do for you?”

Caller: “We’ve had reports that game keys shipped to your location may have an error that prevents them from authenticating, specifically the game Counter-Strike. We need to validate your game keys to see if you’re affected.”

Me: *Playing dumb* “Oh, what do I do?”

Caller: “Well, I just need you to open any copies of the game you have and read me the CD key on the instruction manual so I can verify them with our validation software.”

Me: “Sure thing. Can I put you on hold for a minute while I get those?”

Caller: *Obviously happy* “Sure!”

I put the scammer on hold while I call all the other area stores’ electronics departments and warn them about the scammer and confirm that nobody has taken a call like this earlier.

About fifteen minutes later, I get back to the scammer.

Me: “Thanks for holding, but I can’t find any CD keys. I looked all through the books and the packages.”

Caller: *Annoyed* “Well, sir, just open any copy of Counter-Strike and on the—”

Me: “Oh, COUNTER-STRIKE! I thought you said Counting-Strikes, that bowling game. Okay, hold on!”

Everyone in the department is listening, and we all laugh.

Ten minutes later, I’m back on the line.

Me: “Okay, I got what you’re looking for! What do you need?”

I make him walk me through how to open the box, including interrogating him for five minutes about how to do it without breaking the seal, and then pretend I can’t find the book, etc.

Finally, I’m ready to read the code!

First, I read him the UPC. This upsets him. Then, I read him a part number from something. Now, he’s livid. Finally, I ask if he means the code on the book that says, “Game key,” and has groups of four digits with dashes (like he’s said probably fifty times already) and he gets excited again.

Me: “Oh, okay, here’s the game key. F… like ‘Frank’. U… like ‘uncle’. C… like ‘cat’.”

Caller: “Sir, I don’t think that’s right. Normally, a code would—”

Me: “No, it’s F, U, C, and then K like ‘kite’. The next four are Y like ‘yesterday’… O like ‘owl’—”

He swore at me and hung up.

This story is part of our Editors’-Favorite-Stories-Of-2023-(so far!) roundup!

Read the next story!

Read the roundup!

This happened back when I was a young woman in my early twenties. I’ve always been quite shy and tend to avoid confrontations. My dad’s birthday is coming up, and I decide to get him a DVD of a popular movie that I know he will like. Luckily, the local electronics store has exactly one copy in stock, and I buy it, not opening the plastic seal and keeping the receipt in case my dad already has that DVD.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. I get a message from my dad that the DVD case was empty and there was no disc inside! In hindsight, it did feel quite light.

So, I return to the store to get a replacement or at least my money back. Customer service sends me to the only employee working in the entertainment section. I approach him while he is putting DVDs away and try to tell him about my predicament.

Me: “Excuse me. I bought this DVD here recently and—”

The employee interrupts.

Employee: “No, you didn’t.”

He briskly walks away from me. The following happens while I follow him around the whole section, absolutely perplexed, and he shouts while basically running away from me. Of course, everyone else is staring.

Employee: “We don’t have that movie in stock!”

Me: “But you had it two weeks ago when I bought it! Here’s the receipt!”

Employee: “Hm, yeah, maybe.”

Me: “When we opened the seal, there was no DVD inside. Can I please get a refund?”

Employee: *Now angry* “Yeah, nice try. You can try to steal as much as you want. Your tricks don’t work on me!”

At this point, I’m close to tears due to the embarrassment and his accusing me of theft in front of the whole store.

Me: “I’m not trying to steal. It was light when I bought it and there wasn’t a disc inside.”

Employee: “That’s impossible, but if you want to have trouble with the police, fine. You will have to fill out an affidavit, and when they find out you lied, you’re going to hear from the prosecutor’s office.”

Me: “Fine. I have nothing to hide. Let me fill out the form.”

Apparently, he hadn’t expected that and was now a little perplexed. I filled out the affidavit, and he processed the refund. Today, I know I should have asked for a manager, but my younger self only wanted to get out of there after being screamed at by a much older man. I continue to open the seal on any DVD I buy immediately after paying.

A customer in their forties or so brings in an old Dell LCD monitor and plops it on the counter.

Customer: “Fix it.”

Me: “What is wrong with it?”

Customer: “It’s ‘bluescreening.'”

Me: “We need the computer tower to figure out your issue.”

Customer: “You mean the modem?”

Me: “No, the actual computer itself. The heavy and large box where you plug the monitor into.”

Customer: “Yeah, like I said, the modem! But that’s not got the problem; it’s the monitor!”

Me: “It’s like watching TV from a cable box; you need the box and the TV to display the shows.”

Customer: *Still not understanding* “Why do I need that when this is what is displaying the problem?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t fix what’s wrong without looking at your compu— Uh… modem.”

Customer: “Ugh! I can’t believe I have to go home and get the unneeded piece when it’s the monitor that’s displaying the problem!”

She went home and came back, and I fixed her issue in twenty minutes. She still didn’t understand at the end.

Related:
Monitoring The Situation, Part 4
Not Properly Monitoring The Situation, Part 3
Not Properly Monitoring The Situation, Part 2
Not Properly Monitoring The Situation

I work in a store that sells electronics and tech. I had a woman come in who tried to return an opened box of software. We didn’t allow returns on those because of the ease of copying them and just getting your money back after.

I tried to explain the policy to her, but she wasn’t having it. 

Customer: “It’s not my fault that my computer can’t run the software!”

Me: “Ma’am, on every program we sell, it says what operating system the program is compatible with, as well as what components your computer needs to have to be able to handle it. It is your job to check those and not buy programs that don’t fit with your system.”

Customer: “I would like to speak to a manager.”

That, of course, failed. The manager told her the exact same thing I had.

Customer: “Fine, I guess I’ll call my lawyer.”

Me: *Shrugging* “That’s your choice, ma’am.”

She pushed maybe two buttons on her phone. Within three seconds, she had the “receptionist” in the line and asked for her “lawyer” by first name. Within a few seconds, he was on the line. She told him that she had opened software that had not been installed and she wanted to return it and asked what the law said. 

Looking at me, she quoted him:

Customer: “‘The law says they have to take it back.'”

She thanked him, hung up, looked and me, and said:

Customer: “Well?”

Me: “That is completely untrue, and you should fire your lawyer for lying to you. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing we can do.”

She sure didn’t like that! She threw the box, which hit me. I had to put my arm up so it hit my arm instead of my face.

Me: “And that’s assault. Do be a dear and call your lawyer back to ask them about what happens next.”

She just walked off, swearing a blue streak and yelling the usual promises to never come back.

She REALLY didn’t like being stopped by security for throwing things at employees. Or having the police called on her. OR being charged. It was a very unfunny situation… for her!

What’s funny about this her call to the “lawyer” was…

1) I don’t know of any lawyer that will, off the cuff, state that stores have to take back a product regardless of their openly stated and printed policies. (Such things would have to be carefully researched before a lawyer would tell a client anything of the sort.)

2) I certainly don’t know of a lawyer that would answer a call like that…

2a) at lunchtime…

2b) on Labor Day!

Related:
Just Lawyered Yourself, Part 4
Just Lawyered Yourself, Part 3
Just Lawyered Yourself, Part 2
Just Lawyered Yourself