That’s One Giant Jump To Conclusions For Mankind

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(At our electronics store, we had a stand with a WALL-E cut-out that talked when someone walked by it.)

Movie Display: “Oooooooooh.”

Customer: “What the–sir, SIR!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “That robot just moo’d at me.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “That robot over there, he’s made fun of me because I’m fat by saying ‘MOOOOOOO’.”

Me: “Ma’am, it did not moo at you. It said ‘oooooh’. It has a sensor there for when people walk by it, making one of five pre-recorded sounds.”

Customer: *infuriated* “No! It moo’d at me! You two are covering for each other to make fun of my appearance!”

Double The 60Hz, Double The Fun

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(I notice an elderly couple in my department, browsing TVs.)

Me: “Welcome to [electronics store]. Is there anything I can help you find today?”

Husband: “Yes, we’re looking for a 46″ TV, but we aren’t sure what kind we need. Can you help us?”

Me: “Certainly. First off, what will you mostly be watching? Sports, movies, video games?”

Husband: “Mostly porn.”

Wife: “Oh, don’t tell him that!”

Me: “Well, then I suppose we’ll be needing an LCD with motion processing.”

Wife: “Why’s that?”

Me: “Well, we wouldn’t want it to blur during the good parts…”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

Two For The Price Of Dumb

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Customer: “I saw this same cord at [competitor] for $15. Why is it $20 here?”

Me: “I don’t know, maybe they’re having a sale? I don’t set the prices.”

Customer: “Well, will you price match?”

Me: “If you can provide documentation, sure, I’ll do it.”

Customer: “So if I bring in the receipt that shows $15 at [competitor], I can get it here for $15?”

Me: “…so you want to go to [competitor], buy it for $15, and then come here to buy it again so that we can match their price?”

Customer: “Yes. Will you match that?”

Me: “Sure, why not?”

The Secret Lives Of Customers

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(I am helping a customer upgrade his cell phone, which was broken for some reason. I open the phone and set it on the counter.)

Customer: “Gosh, I don’t know why it doesn’t–hey! It looks wet in there!”

Me: “Oh? Well, it does, but the indicator says it’s not water, or at least it didn’t do any damage to the hardware.”

(The customer picks up his phone, sniffs at it, touches the liquid and TASTES it.)

Customer: “Oh! OH! The butter!”

Me: “…sir…can I ask…how did you–”

Customer: “You know, I’d rather not explain that one.”

A Double Edged Flat Screen

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Customer: “You have to help me, I don‚Äôt know what to do!”

Me: “Calm down, ma‚Äôam. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My husband and I bought a big screen TV last week from this store.”

Me: “What‚Äôs the problem with it?”

Customer: “I want it out of my house! Is there anything you can do?”

Me: “Is it not functioning properly?”

Customer: “No. It works perfectly, that‚Äôs the problem. Every night, our house turns into a sports bar, all his friends come over to watch TV until 3 am and I can‚Äôt get any sleep! They eat all the food I cook, they broke my grandmother‚Äôs crystal vase and they spilled beer all over the rugs! I want my house back!”

Me: “Well, you know ma‚Äôam, you could always turn the tables.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You have girlfriends, right?”

(The woman’s face displays a grin of diabolical proportions.)

Customer: “You have DVDs here, right?”

Me: “Just over there…”

Customer: “Thank you very much for your help!”

(I took my break just after that and saw the woman carrying in her arms at least a dozen DVDs. Among them: the Sex and the City movie, Terms of Endearment, Sweet November, Steel Magnolias, Legally Blonde, Divine Secrets of the Yaya Sisterhood and even Gone with the Wind. Her husbands’ beer buddies never stood a chance.)

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