Our store has this client who religiously comes into the store five minutes before closing. He never wants any help with anything and will spend an hour walking around the store doing absolutely nothing.

He is always just browsing, and he comes at this time because he knows no one else will be there and he wants the store to himself in peace. In the eyes of the staff, he’s a real self-absorbed person who thinks the retail world revolves around him and we are here to serve him.

After witnessing this a few times, and after clearing it with the head office, my manager waits for this guy to show up again, and as expected, five minutes before closing, in walks Mr. Entitled.

The manager walks up to greet him.

Manager: “Do you need any assistance?”

Mr. Entitled: *As per the expected response* “No, thanks. I am just looking around.”

The manager puts his hands on the guy’s shoulders and starts to rotate him 180 degrees. Mr. Entitled is naturally confused.

Mr. Entitled: “What are you doing?!”

Once he’s fully rotated, the manager says:

Manager: “Okay, you have looked around. Now you can leave!”

Naturally, Mr. Entitled was not at all impressed. He made demands and threats about calling the head office, etc., but as it was cleared by the company, no one ever heard anything more about it and he was never seen near closing time again.

It is around 2003. An old lady comes in lost for words trying to describe a piece of audio equipment that plays songs.

Me: “Do you mean an iPod?”

Customer: “No, it’s bigger than that.”

Me: “Do you mean a CD player?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Is it older technology, like a tape or record player?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Well, that’s all we sell here.”

Customer: “No, you sell the things with songs on them here, those circle things; they’re like round and circle-like.”

Me: “You mean a compact disk? A CD?”

Customer: “No.”

She reaches into her purse and pulls out a John Denver CD.

Customer: “Something that can play one of these.”

Me: “So, a CD player; that’s a CD you’re holding.”

Customer: “Oh, is that what you call them here?”

I answer a phone call from what sounds like an elderly lady.

Caller: “I can’t find an important email I’ve been expecting. What phone number do I have to dial to retrieve the email?”

Me: *Confused* “You can’t retrieve email by phone. You need a computer or some sort of mobile device with an Internet connection.”

Caller: “I don’t have a computer!”

After some questioning, I find out that she has no Internet-capable device at all and she actually has no idea what the Internet is.

Me: “Ma’am, you would need to purchase a computer and subscribe to an Internet service to access emails.”

Being a computer salesperson, I decide to inform her of some options and pitch an entry-level laptop with a basic anti-virus install and OS setup.

Me: “This will come out to about $300 after tax.”

Caller: *Getting sour* “I HAVE INTERCOM!”

I am pretty sure she means Internet.

Caller: “I PAY THE PHONE COMPANY EVERY MONTH FOR IT! THEY HAVE MY EMAIL WRITTEN RIGHT HERE ON MY BILL! I JUST WANT TO START READING WHAT PEOPLE HAVE SENT ME!”

Me: “If you just want to read the emails that have been sent to that address, you could try your local library, or I could help you find a local Internet café? If the emails are stored on the phone company’s server, you could access them. I also suggest that you call the phone company to see if you’ve been charged for Internet that you haven’t been using.”

Caller: *Even more upset* “You are trying to sell me something I don’t need! You should be fired!”

Me: *Trying to stay calm* “Do you have any family members that could maybe help you understand what I am trying to offer as a solution?”

Caller: *Snottily* “Well, I have a son.”

Me: “My name is [My Name]. Bring your son in with you, and I can help you get your email.”

She started yelling again, so I hung up.

The next day, a man in his mid-fifties or so came in and asked for me. He said his mother was here to buy a computer and she would only speak to me. I said I would love to help find a solution for her. He left and returned with her — oxygen tank, walker, and all. She purchased the exact computer I had pitched on the phone.

Since then, I have sold four members of that family computers, so I guess it kind of paid off?

Related:
Email Fail, Part 42
Email Fail, Part 41
Email Fail, Part 40
Email Fail, Part 39
Email Fail, Part 38

Customer: “You need to fix my Kindle! It’s not connected to the Internet!”

She hands me her Kindle, and I connect to the store’s Wi-Fi without issue.

Me: “It seems to be working fine, ma’am.”

Customer: “Yes, because you’re on the Internet in the store! But I want it to have the Internet when I leave.”

Me: “This is a Wi-Fi-only model, ma’am. You would need a cellular model to have that feature.”

Customer: “No! I don’t want to have to plug it in. I want to connect it once, download the Internet, and be able to carry it with me.”

Me: “You want the entire Internet inside your Kindle?”

Customer: “Yes, I want to be able to take it everywhere I go, but I don’t want the fuss of logging into it all the time.”

Me: “The Internet is too big to fit into your Kindle, ma’am.”

Customer: “Then sell me one that will fit! Honestly, you’re meant to provide solutions, but I’m doing all the work!”

Customer: “How long does the battery last on this computer?”

Me: “Sir, that’s a desktop—”

Customer: *Interrupting* “Fine, smarta**. How long does the battery last on this desktop?“