Customer: “Do you have a memory stick?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we do. Do you need regular USB or USB-C?”

Customer: “It sticks into the hole in my computer, like this.”

He does what he thinks is an impression of a flash drive going into a slot with his hands, but it’s just his finger going into a hole and looks… well… NOT like a flash drive going into a slot.

Me: “Uh, yes, sir. I know. I just need to know if you need a USB or USB-C?”

I am about to show him what they look like, but…

Customer: “It’s a memory stick. It goes into the hole.”

He does the impression again.

Customer: “On the computer.”

He does the impression again, this time more vigorously.

Me: “Yes, sir. All our memory sticks are along this wall here.”

Customer: “Will these all fit into my hole?”

He continued the impression again, this time aggressively.

He ended up with a regular USB memory stick. I hope it fit into… his hole.

A woman of about forty comes in and grabs a wireless router.

Customer: “How much Internet will this hold?”

Me: “It allows your computer to access the Internet. It doesn’t store it or anything like that.”

Customer: “Well then, I don’t want it.”

Me: “Ma’am, the Internet is not something you can download and store.”

Customer: “Well, it has to be stored somewhere!”

Me: “Yes, in huge data servers that take up whole buildings and cost billions to build and run.”

Customer: “So I can’t get one of those?”

Me: “…no, ma’am.”

Customer: “Then I’ll go somewhere where I can!”

Related:
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 45
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 44
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 43
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 42
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 41

During the age of the iPod, a customer buys an iPod speaker dock. She comes back in later, furious.

Customer: “Someone’s stolen the iPod!”

Me: “Oh, no, ma’am, was your iPod stolen?”

Customer: “No! There was no iPod inside!”

She is pointing at the iPod speaker dock box.

Me: “Oh. There’s no iPod in there, just the speaker dock.”

Customer: “There’s an iPod on the box! That’s false advertising!”

Me: “There’s also a disclaimer on the box saying, ‘iPod not included.'”

I originally didn’t think even this disclaimer was needed, but one learns in retail that a lot of the rules and processes we have are based on the idea that if you make something idiot-proof, the universe will just make a better idiot.

Customer: “I didn’t see that, so it’s still false advertising!”

I show her the iPods we sell, priced at I think $199.99 at the time.

Me: “Ma’am, why would you assume a set of $29.99 speakers would have an iPod in it?”

They are literally right next to each other in the store, even.

Customer: “You better give me one of those iPods or I’m suing for false advertising!”

Me: “Have fun with that, ma’am. Have a nice day!”

No letter from her lawyer yet. It’s been over ten years, so I think we’re good.

Related:
Reasons Why Small Print Is A Million Pages Long, Part 2
Reasons Why Small Print Is A Million Pages Long

This is a while ago but not in the early days of the Internet, so generally, people should still know better. A customer who bought a computer from us comes back a week or so later and, remembering me as the salesman, walks straight up to me.

Customer: “So, I just got the Internet, and I am confused.”

Me: “What are you confused about, sir?”

Customer: “So, all these people, they’re just giving me money?”

Me: “What are you talking about, sir?”

Customer: “I keep getting all these emails from these nice people that say they want to send me money. Straight into my bank account!”

Me: “I see. Those people are scammers, sir. They’re not nice. You need to ignore them.”

Customer: “Oh, are you sure? Some of them are very pretty.”

Me: “Especially the pretty ones, sir.”

Customer: “Oh… Well, if you’re sure. That’s a pity.”

Related:
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 7
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 6
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 5
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 4
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 3

I work in the sales call center for an electronics store. Sometimes a caller will get confused and come through to us looking for tech support, in which case we simply transfer them into the correct queue. I have explained this to a caller.

Caller: “Oh, but it’s just a quick question! Don’t transfer me! I know it’ll be quick!”

Me: “I can help you if it’s a quick question, ma’am. If not, I will need to transfer you to our help desk.”

Caller: “It is quick! I just need to know how to access my emails.”

Me: “Oh, that should be easy. Just type [email web address] into your browser.”

Customer: “What’s a browser?”

Me: “The software you use to access your Internet?”

Customer: “Do I have Internet?”

Me: “…I’ll just transfer you to our help desk, ma’am.”