(I am very easily startled, and tend to shriek when startled. My coworkers are well-aware of this, and well-amused by it. One day, when I am in the bathroom, the toilet paper runs out, so I grab the new roll sitting on the toilet, behind me, only to realize as soon as I look at it that there’s a spider sitting on it. Naturally, I drop the roll and shriek.)

Coworker: *from outside the bathroom* “Where’s [My Name]? That’s her scream.”

Me: “THERE WAS A F***ING SPIDER ON THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!”

Everyone: *laughing*

Me: *exits bathroom* “I don’t want to deal with spiders when I have my pants down! I’m fine with spiders any other time, but not when I’m practically half naked!”

(I’m the idiot customer in this. My phone isn’t working due to water damage, so I have a temporary replacement: my mum’s old phone. It worked fine for about four months, and then mysteriously stopped working after one of my exams. I left it for about a month, continuing to charge it overnight and try to turn it on, before I take it in to the phone repair shop.)

Me: “Hi, I have a [Phone] and I’ve brought it in once before. About a month ago it stopped working. I’ve been charging it but it won’t turn on.”

Employee: “May I see the phone?”

Me: “Of course!”

(I put the phone down and the employee presses a button.)

Me: “Oh, no, the power button is here—”

(The phone starts to turn on.)

Me: “Oh.”

(The employee just looks at me. I pick up the phone and look at the button he pressed; sure enough, there’s a power symbol there.)

Me: “Oh. Um. Right. I’ve just been pressing the wrong button.”

Employee: “Yes, the power button and the lock button are separate on this model. Most phones have one for both functions.”

Me: “Thank you. Sorry to bother you.”

(I left with the phone, feeling like an idiot.)

Customer: “What do you mean you don’t have the parts on hand to fix my TV?”

Me: “Well, your TV is 12 years old. I can have the parts in a day or two.”

(The customer starts every cuss word in the book, yelling at me about my incompetence and lack of skill.)

Me: *stands there and waits until she pauses for a breath, when she does…* “Ma’am, would you like to learn some Tagalog?”

Customer: “Huh?…What’s Tagalog?”

Me: “It’s the language of the Philippines.”

Customer: “Why would I need to learn that?”

Me: *in the same, low toned and calm voice I have been using during her entire screaming session* “So you don’t have to use the same seven cuss words over and over.”

(Right after saying that, I calmly picked up my tools and headed for the door. The customer, red-faced and stuttering, tried to yell at me some more, but was at a complete loss for words.)

This story is included in our Philippines roundup – part of the Not Always Right World Tour!

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Caller: “Hello. I work offshore. I got home from a three-week assignment yesterday, and the wife and I were doing the… you know… We were being… uhh…”

Me: “…intimate?”

Caller: “Nah. It was pretty rough. But anyhow, we were doing our thing.”

(At this point, I’m pretty sure the caller is actually a buddy of mine, pranking me. I am wrong.)

Me: “Sir, this is a stereo repair shop. Are you aware–”

Caller: “Yeah, yeah, sorry. That’s not the point. When we got done, I noticed the music had stopped. I looked over there, and there were fumes coming off the receiver. So, I called your customer service number and they told me I need to write a description of the problem. I don’t know what happened, so I figured I’d call a tech guy to help me with the description. You got any idea what I should write?”

Me: “Well, uhh… how about ‘smokes after sex’?”

Caller: *laughing* “DONE! I like yer style, my friend!”

(That call totally made my day. I almost got fired over it, but it was worth it!)