(My mom takes my younger brothers and me to a baseball game with some friends of ours. Before the game starts, my youngest brother announces he has to use the bathroom, so off he and my mom go. I sit in our seats with our friends for a while before the national anthem is sung, and it isn’t until the game starts that my mom and brother finally return. My mom is almost crying, she is laughing so hard. Apparently, my mom waited outside the bathroom for quite a while. When my brother finally came out, she asked him:)

Mom: “What took so long? Is everything okay?”

Brother: “The anthem was being sung, and I couldn’t sit down!”

(My mom has never had any luck with financial companies, whether they take out too much money or forget to take out any at all. On this night my mom, my two brothers, and I are cooking supper, when my work calls. We never check the home phone, and my job calling prompts my mom to check the messages. There’s been a message saying that if she doesn’t call back this financial company about her mortgage, they will take legal action. She calls them back.)

Mom: “Hi, I just got the message about my mortgage. What’s going on?”

Caller #1: “Yes, we never got your last payment.”

Mom: “It was supposed to go out on [date]. Did it not?”

Caller #1: “Oh, yes. Now I see; it’s in the notes.”

(They get it all figured out, and we are just finishing cooking when the phone rings.)

Mom: “Hello?”

Caller #2: “Hello, may I speak to [Mom]?”

Mom: “Speaking?”

Caller #2: “Yes, I’m calling because your last payment never went out.”

Mom: “I just spoke to someone not five minutes ago; we got it all figured out.”

Caller #2: “Oh, yeah. It’s right here in the notes.”

(She hangs up and we sit down for dinner. The phone rings again.)

Mom: “This is the third call in the last hour. I have spoken to someone.”

Caller #3: “Oh, yes. It’s right here, in the notes.”

(My mom hangs up.)

Me: “Next time they call, you should just say, ‘Check the notes,’ and hang up.”

(I work in retail auto parts supply. The following phone call is received about a week before Christmas.)

Me: “Good morning, Parts Source. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Um, hello. Do you have an inflatable cactus?”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Caller: “I’m looking for a giant inflatable cactus. Do you happen to carry them?”

Me: “Um, no, sorry.”

Caller: “OK. Thanks anyway.”

(About two months later, a friend and his wife buy a home and host an open house. I meet one of his new neighbours. The following exchange occurs after some chitchat about the Christmas holiday.)

Neighbour: “It was our turn to host the whole family this year and we decided to make it a Mexican-themed Christmas party with Mexican food, Mexican decorations … the whole nine yards.”

Me: “Great idea! I’ll bet it was fun to plan and set up.”

Neighbour: “Yup … one hilarious thing that happened was my wife decided she wanted to decorate a cactus instead of a tree. The only problem was finding a cactus big enough. I suggested she might find an artificial one … like the big inflatable palm trees we once saw…”.

Me: “Mmmmm.”

Neighbour: “…so she gets the phone book out and calls what she thinks is a store called Party Source and asks if they have an inflatable cactus…”

Me: *uncontrollable laughter*

(I work in a deli that also serves hot food. I have a lady come up talking on her phone and just points.)

Customer: “I’ll have that.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see what you’re pointing at.”

Customer: “THAT! THAT RIGHT THERE!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know what you’re pointing at.”

Customer: “Are you treating me like this because I’m [race]?”

Me: “No, I’m treating you like this because you’re too ignorant to see the metal plate blocking my sight. Now, what can I get you?”

Customer: *into her phone* “I know, right? How rude.” *walks away*

Customer: “I’d like to pick up my printed photos.”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Thank you.”

(Another customer requests their photos while the lady begins scribbling on the envelope. After helping the customer I offer to help the lady.)

Me: “Was there anything else I could help you with?”

Customer: “Yes, I wanted to know what the price per print was.”

Me: “Oh, looks like you ordered 4×6 prints, so the price is 32 cents per print.”

Customer: “Yes, but she said she’d make it 25 cents per photo.”

Me: “All right, once I help this customer, I’ll get the calculator to help you.”

(After taking the other customer’s photo, I return with the calculator.)

Me: “All right, it looks like the $3 discount covered one set of the prints, leaving your total, before tax, at $12.54 for 49 prints.”

(Customer punches numbers into the calculator.)

Customer: “But this says 29 cents per print.”

Me: *after reviewing the calculations* “Oh, you divided the full cost of the order before applying the discount.”

Customer: “No, let me show you.”

(The customer carries out calculation again and shows that her total should be $13.07 after tax, then calculates without the discount applied to the total.)

Customer: “See!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it looks like the discount was applied; the total you were charged after tax was $13.07, which is only slightly above the 25 cents per print promised.”

Customer: “But I was charged 29 cents per photo! This is why I stopped coming here years ago. You people can’t even spare a cent to be generous.”

(Choosing to give up explaining, I allowed her to leave after a short apology to her. While taking a passport photograph for the next customer, I thought about how obsessive one must be to concern themselves about a single dollar’s difference, if we had actually neglected to apply the discount.)