Library Patron: “I need some help comparing heating prices.”
Me: “Okay, let me show you a website where you can compare the different gas companies.”
(I lead the patron to computer, and type in the website address.)
Me: “Here you go. Just type in your information.”
Library Patron: *looking at the keyboard* “These letters are all mixed up!”
Me: “Uh, well…”
Library Patron: “Have they always been like this?”
Me: “Only since the 1800s. Here, let me do the typing.”
Customer: “Hey, somebody painted the wall outside the branch I use!”
Me: “Yes, sir. What seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “Well, now I don’t know my PIN number!”
Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not sure what that has to do with the wall being painted.”
Customer: “I wrote my PIN number on the wall beside the ATM! NOW what am I supposed to do?!”
Me: “…”
Me: “Welcome to [Coffee Shop]. What can I get for you today?”
Customer: “Yes, I’d like a medium coffee with twenty seven and a half sugars.”
Me: “I’m sorry, was that… twenty seven and a half?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “You’re sure you don’t just want the twenty-eight?”
Customer: “Ewww, gross! That’d be too sweet.”
(It’s December 24th, the last day for Christmas shopping.)
Customer: “Do you have a Nintendo Wii?”
Me: “No, sir, unfortunately we are all sold out.”
Customer: “Why?”
Me: “It’s just pretty much the top holiday item, sir, and we have been selling out of the Wiis non-stop since last November.”
Customer: “When do you get them in?”
Me: “I don’t know. Not until after February, probably.”
Customer: “D**n it! I have kids, you know! Show some sympathy!”
Me: “So do probably 70 of the 100 people in line behind you, sir. Now, is there anything else I can help you with?”
Customer: “What if I slip you a $20?”
Me: “What about, no.”
Customer: *obviously thinking I’m stupid* “Well, sell me the box you have right there up on the corner of your shelf, you liar!”
Me: “I can’t sell it to you, but I guess I could give it to you for free if it makes you feel better. There’s nothing in there, by the way…”
(Customer apparently completely ignores that last line.)
Customer: “H***, YEAH! I GOT MYSELF A WII! HAHAHAHAHA! MERRY CHRISTMAS, SUCKERS!”
(Crowd stands with death glares fixated on me and the guy.)
Me: *hands him the box* “Merry Christmas… Next person, please.”
Customer: “WHAT THE F***?! GOD D***! S***! There’s nothing in this d*** box!”
Next Customer: “That’s because he said that was just a display box. He gave it to you just so you could be happy and you accepted it, moron!”
(The crowd of customers returned to holiday mode.)
This story is part of our Christmas 2023 roundup!
Read the next Christmas 2023 roundup story!
Read the Christmas 2023 roundup!
Customer: “What time does the film start?”
Me: “The film starts fifteen minutes after the time on your ticket. There are fifteen minutes of ads and trailers.”
Customer: “No, I said what time does the F-I-L-M start?!”
Me: “The film starts after fifteen minutes of trailers, so fifteen minutes after whatever it says on the ticket. Your ticket says 3:30 pm, so the film would start at 3:45. Okay?”
Customer: “Don’t blind me with science!”