(I work for an Internet billing company that mostly does work with p*rn sites.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Consumer Support]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I got some charges on my card, and I wanna know what the heck’s goin’ on.”

Me: “No problem, sir. If I can get the card number, I’ll be happy to help out.”

(He gives me his card, and I go through the process of looking it up and getting his info.)

Me: “All right, sir, it looks like I have a subscription here to [P*rn Site]. Is that familiar?”

Customer: “Yeah, I know that. Hold on a sec. RANDY!”

(I hear him shouting at someone in the background, and then the sounds of someone getting the ever-loving crap beaten out of them.)

Customer: “Okay, I done took care of the charges. Can you cancel that for me?”

Me: “Sure… I’ve canceled it from further billing now for you.”

Customer: “All right. You have a nice day.” *click*

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi there. I got these promotional cheques at 3.9% for my Visa card. I was wondering if I can pay my Visa bill with them.”

Me: “No, miss, the funds will be coming out of your Visa account. Therefore, you can’t pay the Visa with the same Visa account.”

Customer: “Why? I don’t see why not…”

Me: “Because the funds will be coming out of your Visa account. It doesn’t make it a lesser balance, it makes it a higher balance. Therefore, you can’t pay your Visa with the same Visa.”

Customer: “I think this is stupid. I should be able to do whatever I want with my cheques.”

Me: “Do you write yourself cheques with your bank account to yourself, and not have to pay for it?”

Customer: “Well, no… that’s just silly.”

Me: “Do you see how it works, then?”

Customer: “Yeah, I guess. But I should still be able to do it!”

Customer: “Are there any thrift stores around here that support cancer research?”

Clerk: “No, I think the only ones in town support the humane society.”

Customer: “Oh, we have asthma. We don’t want to support that.”

Clerk: “…”

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Customer: “I bought a computer from you guys not three weeks ago, and my Internet isn’t working.”

Me: “Well, the computer itself seems to be operating perfectly.”

Customer: “It is not working perfectly. I cannot get on the Internet. ”

Me: “I understand that; I just mean while the Internet itself isn’t working, your computer is functioning properly.”

Customer: “My computer is worthless without Internet.”

(Company policy is to direct her to her ISP for further assistance. So I try to get that info from her so I can give her a proper phone number.)

Customer: “Why don’t you just fix it?”

Me: “I’ve run out of things we can try.”

Customer: “What is the ISP going to do?”

Me: “They’ll walk you through a few things, or at least tell you if there is an outage or other problem in your area.”

Customer: “I bought this computer from you, and you should be the ones fixing it.”

Me: “It’s not the computer; it’s the Internet. Unfortunately, we’re not your Internet provider. There’s really nothing more I can do for you.”

Customer: “How much do you charge for Internet?”

Me: “We do not sell Internet.”

Customer: “Then who do I buy my Internet from?”

Me: “I don’t know. [Large Company], perhaps?”

Customer: “I suppose I should order some Internet.”

Me: “You haven’t even signed up for it yet?!”

Customer: “I wanted to do it on the Internet.”

Me: *head explodes*

(I live in a town where 65% of the people are 65 years old and older. When we were redoing the design of the store, they placed a large white walkway from the front door to the pharmacy.)

Customer: “Hi, I would like to pick up my prescription.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is the front of the store. Your prescription is in the back of the store, in the pharmacy.”

Customer: “How do I get there?”

Me: “Follow the white brick road.”