(I’m waiting on a table of fourteen in the middle of the lunch rush. The customer I am speaking to is the first order I take at the table.)

Customer: “…oh, and I need some of that spicy salsa y’all have.”

(I tell the customer I’ll get that right out and proceed to take the rest of the table’s order.)

Customer: “I thought I asked you for spicy salsa?”

Me: “I haven’t left the table, sir.”

Customer: “Then how do you expect the salsa to get here? Magic?”

Me: “I was taking the rest of your party’s order, sir. I’ll go get the salsa right now.”

Customer: “And will you find out how long until our food comes out?”

Me: “Sir, I haven’t put in the order yet, because I just finished taking it.”

Customer: “Is this your first day or something?”

Me: “No, sir, I’ve been working here since we opened three years ago.”

(As I am walking back to the kitchen, another table flags me down, ready to order. The same customer gets up from his table and taps me on the shoulder while I am talking to this table.)

Customer: “I don’t know how long I am supposed to wait for the d*** spicy salsa.”

Me: “Sir, as soon as I take this table’s order I will literally walk into the cooler and get you some spicy salsa.”

(I immediately bring him the salsa, and am returning to the computer to put in the orders. He walks across the restaurant and stares at me.)

Me: “Is there a problem, sir?”

Customer: “This salsa is too spicy.”

This story is part of the Spicy roundup!

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Me: “Hi, what would you like to order?”

Customer: “Can I get some breadsticks?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have breadsticks.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Can I get… what was it called? Chow mein?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t serve chow mein. We have something like that called yaki udon, though.”

Customer: “What? Why don’t you have chow mein?”

Me: “That is a Chinese dish and this is a Japanese restaurant.”

Customer: “They’re different?!”

This story was included in our Chinese Restaurant Roundup.

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(I’m working register when a lady comes up leading her sobbing son. He has a big lump on his forehead that’s starting to turn black and blue.)

Customer: “Could I have some ice for his head? He hit it on something.”

Me: “Yes! Poor little guy.”

(I fill a glove with ice, wrap it in a paper rag and hand it over.)

Me: “First Aid is just down there.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks. Hey, while we’re here, could I get a grilled chicken salad?”

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Me: “Hey there, mate, what can I get ya?”

Customer: “I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”

Me: “Coming right up!”

(I serve him his drink, but as soon as I turn around to handle the other customers, a lowball glass comes flying through the air, hits the wall, and shatters to a million pieces. I turn back and see the customer with a frown on his face.)

Me: “Why the h*** did you do that for?!”

Customer: “Why’d you put f****** ice in my drink?! I didn’t ask for no f****** ice!”

Me: “Yes, you did! You asked for scotch on the rocks!”

Customer: “Yeah, and you put ice in it!”

Me: “Do you know what a scotch is?”

Customer: “Whiskey?”

Me: “Exactly. And do you know what ‘on the rocks’ means?”

Customer: “How you make it?”

Me: “No, it stands for ice. Scotch with ice.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “You’re gonna have to pay for the drink and the glass and then get out.”

Customer: “How f****** dare you?!”

Me: “Do you know what ‘on the rocks’ also means?”

Customer: “No! What?!”

(The doorman takes him by the hand, and then tosses him out the front door.)

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Customer: “Do you have a pill I can take instead of drinking water?”

Me: “Um, what do you mean?”

Customer: “When I’m at work and I drink water, I have to pee so much! I know there’s got to be a pill I can take instead.”

Me: “There’s really no substitute for drinking water.”

Customer: “No! I know there has to be some kind of pill you can take instead of drinking.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s not.”

Customer: “There has to be something. Never mind, I’ll try to find it myself!” *wanders over to the vitamin aisles in search of water pills*

This story is part of the Confused-With-Science-themed roundup!

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