(I’m a landscaper paying a visit to a customer; he had called in complaining about a 5-foot sapling I had planted that is now dying.)

Me: “What’s up with the tree?”

Customer: “It died, see? Lemme show you!”

(I follow the customer back to his lawn and notice that the sapling we planted a couple of weeks ago was now apparently two feet tall and very dead.)

Me: “Sir, what happened to this?”

Customer: “It was going to get too tall so I decided to bury it deeper.”

Me: “You buried it deeper?”

Customer: “I dug it out, dug a deeper hole until it was the right height and then buried it again. Now it’s dead!”

Me: “Sir, you do know you weren’t supposed to do that, right? If you wanted a smaller tree, you should have gotten a shrub.”

Customer: “But I want a small plum tree!”

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(Note: I help callers with connection problems with our wireless zones along train lines.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I can’t access your network!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. Let me help you. Where are you currently, sir?”

Caller: “I’m traveling in between [City] and [Other City].”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir, but there is maintenance being done in that zone. You will have to wait twenty minutes until you are back in a working zone.”

Caller: “What can I do?”

Me: “Just wait until the train is a bit farther on, and you will have a connection again.”

Caller: “This is terrible! Where’s your manager?”

Me: “Sir, it’s four am, so I’m the only one working.”

(The customer hangs up, but then calls back again.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “F***!”

(Once again, he hangs up, and once again, he calls back.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “F***!”

(Again, he hangs up, and again, he calls back.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Look, I have some important stuff to watch here. Can you fix the Internet?”

Me: “If you just wait ten minutes sir, your Internet will work again.”

Caller: “So, in my zone, there’s no Internet?”

Me: “That’s right, sir.”

Caller: “Can’t you move the satellite so I do have Internet?”

Me: “You want me to go into space and move the satellite?”

Caller: *cheerily* “Yeah, that’s right!”

Me: “Um… Well, that might take me a little bit of time, sir. I’ll have to call NASA, and they’re very busy these days.”

Caller: “Oh. How long do you think it’ll take?”

Me: “About ten minutes.”

Caller: “That’s great! Thank you.” *hangs up*

Customer: *over the phone* “Hi, could you check out my computer? I think something is wrong with the keyboard.”

Me: “Okay, do you have any idea what it might be?”

Customer: “No, I just know that it has to be the keyboard. Everything else seems fine.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll be over later.”

(I drive to the customer’s house. She lets me in and shows me her desk.)

Me: “Well, first off, your space bar is upside-down.”

Customer: “I‚ uh‚ wasn’t gonna tell you that. Didn’t know if it’d be important.”

(I remove the upside-down space bar.)

Me: “Your keyboard is full of crumbs. Have you been eating over it?”

Customer: “Well, I wasn’t gonna tell you that either.”

(I grab a can of air and blow the crumbs out.)

Me: “That’s weird, they’re not coming out. It’s sticky inside. Did you recently spill soda into this?”

Customer: “Oh, I wasn’t gonna tell you all of this. I thought you’d get mad and not come.”

Me: “Listen, there’s really nothing I can do. I’m sorry, you’ll need a whole new keyboard.”

Customer: “See! I told you you’d just up and leave if I told you!”

(Note: I’m providing tech support over the phone to a customer.)

Me: “Okay, so we’re just going to need your phone number before I can go any further.”

Caller: “Okay, it’s [local number].”

Me: “…and your area code?”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “What state are you in?”

Caller: “Say again?”

Me: “What state?”

Caller: “Sober?”

Me: “All right, sir, I looked at your computer and it looks like you need to reinstall your office software before we can proceed.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

Me: “Can you show me where your software installation CDs are?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “The CDs that your office software came on when you first bought them.”

Customer: “Oh, I threw those out.”

Me: “Why? Was there something wrong with them?”

Customer: “No, of course not. I installed the software and then threw out the empty discs.”

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