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Being Picky Is An Exact Science

, , , | Right | January 20, 2008

Me: “Welcome to [Coffee Shop]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a medium coffee with twenty seven and a half sugars.”

Me: “I’m sorry, was that… twenty seven and a half?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “You’re sure you don’t just want the twenty-eight?”

Customer: “Ewww, gross! That’d be too sweet.”

Ask And Ye Shall Receive

, , , , | Right | January 19, 2008

(It’s December 24th, the last day for Christmas shopping.)

Customer: “Do you have a Nintendo Wii?”

Me: “No, sir, unfortunately we are all sold out.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “It’s just pretty much the top holiday item, sir, and we have been selling out of the Wiis non-stop since last November.”

Customer: “When do you get them in?”

Me: “I don’t know. Not until after February, probably.”

Customer: “D**n it! I have kids, you know! Show some sympathy!”

Me: “So do probably 70 of the 100 people in line behind you, sir. Now, is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “What if I slip you a $20?”

Me: “What about, no.”

Customer: *obviously thinking I’m stupid* “Well, sell me the box you have right there up on the corner of your shelf, you liar!”

Me: “I can’t sell it to you, but I guess I could give it to you for free if it makes you feel better. There’s nothing in there, by the way…”

(Customer apparently completely ignores that last line.)

Customer: “H***, YEAH! I GOT MYSELF A WII! HAHAHAHAHA! MERRY CHRISTMAS, SUCKERS!”

(Crowd stands with death glares fixated on me and the guy.)

Me: *hands him the box* “Merry Christmas… Next person, please.”

Customer: “WHAT THE F***?! GOD D***! S***! There’s nothing in this d*** box!”

Next Customer: “That’s because he said that was just a display box. He gave it to you just so you could be happy and you accepted it, moron!”

(The crowd of customers returned to holiday mode.)

Those Heathens And Their Time-Telling Ways

, , , , | Right | January 17, 2008

Customer: “What time does the film start?”

Me: “The film starts fifteen minutes after the time on your ticket. There are fifteen minutes of ads and trailers.”

Customer: “No, I said what time does the F-I-L-M start?!”

Me: “The film starts after fifteen minutes of trailers, so fifteen minutes after whatever it says on the ticket. Your ticket says 3:30 pm, so the film would start at 3:45. Okay?”

Customer: “Don’t blind me with science!”

Dirty Minds

, , , | Right | December 22, 2007

(A customer calls requesting a cable.)

Customer: “Hi. I am trying to connect my iPod to my stereo.”

Me: “Okay. Do you have a receiver, a small shelf system, or a boombox?”

Customer: “It’s a smaller stereo.”

Me: “Okay. Do you have a small plug that looks like a headphone plug that is labeled AUX, Audio IN, or anything of the sort?”

Customer: “Yes, there is a small round plug that says AUX.”

Me: “Okay, that’s easy. All you need is a 3.5mm male-to-male RCA cable.”

Customer: “Male-to-male as in boy-to-boy?”

Me: *knowing what is coming next and not caring* “Yes, it is just referring to whether it is a plug or a receptor of a plug.”

Customer: “Well, you are just disgusting!”

Me: “Sorry, that is just an industry standard term.”

Customer: “That is just one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard!”

Me: “Sounds good.”

Customer: *hangs up*

God Complex

, , , | Right | December 19, 2007

(I hostess at an upscale restaurant in a very nice part of town. I get a call like this about once a night on weekends, which are super busy.)

Customer: “Can I get a reservation for four at seven tonight for Dr. [Customer]?”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, we’re booked solid from six to ten. I can get you a reservation for tomorrow night if you’re interested.”

Customer: “But I’m a doctor.”