(We hit a bit of turbulence. The ‘Fasten Seatbelt’ light goes on, and the captain comes on the intercom to tell us all to stay seated and buckled in. Shortly after this, a woman hits her call light. I come on over.)

Me: *bracing myself on the seat across the row* “Yes, ma’am?”

Passenger: “Could I have a glass of water, please?”

Me: “Ma’am, the captain has asked us to all stay seated for our safety.”

Passenger: “But I wouldn’t be getting up!”

Me: “Ma’am, the captain has asked us ALL to stay seated for our safety.”

Passenger: “Oh! You, too?”

(As I turn to head back to my seat I overhear her talking to the passenger next to her.)

Passenger: “But I’ve seen them moving around in all sorts of weather…”

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(It is Christmas Eve and I am stewarding an overnight flight. A mother is traveling with her two young children, both of whom are crowding around the window.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but your children will both have to take their seats shortly.”

Mother: “Oh, it’s okay. They’re just keeping an eye out for Santa.”

Me: “Oh, how lovely!”

Mother: “Are they looking out the right side of the plane?”

Me: *playing along* “They might get lucky if they keep an eye out, but since we’re about to serve the evening meal, they will need to take their seats.”

Mother: *totally serious* “No! They might miss Santa!”

Me: “Uh… well, ma’am, I think you’ll be all right for the moment.”

Mother: “But we can’t miss Santa! I want them to see the reindeer!”

Me: “All right, but if they want to eat their meal they will need to sit in their seats.”

(I walk roughly two rows down the aisle when another passenger grabs my attention.)

Passenger: “I don’t care how crazy that mother is; don’t tell them the truth! It’s the only thing that’s been keeping those brats quiet all night!”

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Child: “Daddy! Look at this!”

(The father comes over to find his child looking at an adult magazine.)

Father: *to me* “What the h*** is wrong with you? How can you let a six-year-old boy look at this smut?!”

Me: *ringing up another customer* “Sir, I’m with another customer right now.”

Father: *waving the magazine in my face* “He is way too young for this! Why didn’t you stop him from looking at this?” *he starts screaming obscenities*

(My manager walks by as this is happening.)

Manager: “Sir, she is a cashier, not a babysitter. It is not her job to watch your child; it is yours. She was doing her job when you came up to scream at her. Now get out before I call the police.”

(The man looks embarrassed as he leads his son out. A minute later, he walks back in.)

Father: *mumbles* “I forgot my other son.”

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(I am answering basic questions for a potential skydiving customer.)

Customer: “How long is the free-fall part?”

Me: “About thirty to forty seconds.”

Customer: “Thirty seconds!? I thought it was like five minutes? That’s how it is in the movies!”

Me: “But that’s in movies. Actual skydives average about a thirty- to forty-second free-fall.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because that’s how long it takes to fall from the highest altitude that you can safely jump from.”

Customer: “If I’m going to pay $250 to jump, I want to fall for five minutes.”

Me: “Might I point out that it doesn’t even take objects in space five minutes to fall to earth? You could be in orbit and not get a five-minute free-fall.”

Customer: “So, if I call around, no one will be able to give me five minutes?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Is there any way you guys could fly the plane higher so I’d fall for five minutes?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we cannot do that. Besides the fact that it is physically impossible, you would die. If you’re still hung up on this five-minute thing, call NASA and tell it to them.”

Customer: “Oh, so they do that?”

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(I am providing a tour through Ireland and explaining its history.)

Me: “…and then the Danish Vikings and the Norse Vikings got together and created the most fantastic thing in the world. Does anyone know what that is?”

Young Passenger: “Chicken nuggets!”

Me: “I was going to say red hair, but that answer just blows mine out of the water!”

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