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It Cuts Both Ways

, | Right | April 30, 2008

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Man: “Yes, I want half of my money back on this camera.”

Me: “I’m sorry? Is there something wrong with it?”

Man: “No, it’s fine. But I want half of my money back.”

Me: “Half of your money? I’m not sure I understand…”

Man: “Look, I bought this camera about six weeks ago, and now it’s on a half price offer. So I want half of my money back.”

Me: “Err, sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

Man: “So get someone who can!”

(I pop off to grab the manager, and explain the situation to him.)

Manager: “Good afternoon, sir. [My Name] has explained your problem to me, and I’m afraid he’s right. We can’t refund this difference to you. The item is on sale now; it wasn’t when you bought it.”

Man: “This is ridiculous! You’re ripping me off! Why won’t you give me my money back?”

Manager: “Let me ask you this: if the camera was now twice as expensive, would you come back here and pay us the extra money?”

Man: “Of course not! I’m not stupid!”

Manager: “And neither am I, sir. Good day!”

Mind Games With The Mindless

, , | Right | April 29, 2008

(I work in a few different departments, so it’s not uncommon for me to see the same customer twice…)

Me: “How are you today, folks?”

Man: “We’re just fine.”

(We chat for a moment, then I walk 20 feet over to our paint counter. About 5 minutes passes and the same customer passes me.)

Man: “You know, you look like the guy that talked to us over in fitness.”

Me: *grinning* “Yes sir, that was my stunt double.”

(The man walks away with a confused look on his face.)

Coworker: “You know, you’d really blow his mind if you met him at the front door.”

Thomas Jefferson, Colonial Hippie

, , , , , | Right | April 28, 2008

(A lady wants to make a credit card payment with a temporary check, which is not accepted at the store I work at. It goes all the way up to the top manager in the store and the exchange of words is glorious:)

Manager: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, this lady told me you can’t accept temporary checks?”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am. Unfortunately in the past we’ve had trouble cashing those checks. It’s nothing against you personally, but based on past problems we can’t accept temporary checks.”

Customer: “So let me get this straight? You treat everyone exactly the same way?”

Manager: “Uh… yes.”

Customer: “Well, if this place isn’t run by a bunch of stupid liberals!”

We Can Also Give It Lots Of Benadryl

, , , | Right | April 28, 2008

(Our new drugstore is assigned a phone number that had previously belonged to the animal shelter. We ALWAYS answer the phone with our store name and hours, but people don’t always listen. This becomes annoying, but one of my coworkers likes to have fun with it.)

Caller: “Uh, yeah. I have this raccoon in my backyard.”

Coworker: “Hmm… that’s nice.”

Caller: “Yeah, well it seems to be acting strangely… like it’s crazy.”

Coworker: “What do you want me to do about it?”

Caller: “Well, you should do your job and come out and get rid of it! Isn’t that why I pay my taxes?”

Coworker: “Okay, then. Give me your address.”

Caller: *gives out address*

Coworker: “All right, after I close the drugstore I’ll be over with my shotgun around midnight. There will be a loud noise, so warn your neighbors. Since I don’t work for your taxes, just tape a $20 bill inside your mailbox, more if you want a fancy burial. Have a nice day!” *click*

Sophocles, World’s First Toilet Humorist

, , , | Right | April 26, 2008

(It was summer reading time for the high schoolers near our store. This girl comes in, smacking her gum and looking rather bored.)

Girl: “I need this book, it’s called… something like Ode to Pus or something.”

Me: “Ode… to Pus?”

Girl: “Yeah it’s by some guy named So-fo-Kulls?”

Me: “You mean… you need to read Oedipus by Sophocles?”

Girl: “Yeah, yeah. Ode to Pus by that guy.”

(I’ve never laughed so hard in my entire life.)