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Suddenly, I Feel Very Sorry For Her Child

, , , , | Right | February 1, 2008

Woman: Excuse me, I’ve lost my child somewhere in the store.

Me: “Okay. I’ll get someone right away.”

(I call in a code yellow.)

Me: “Okay, how old is your child?”

Woman: “She’d just turned three. Oooh, what if she’s been kidnapped?”

Me: “Don’t worry; I’m sure that’s not the case.”

(Security comes up to talk to her and she turns around.)

Security: “Ma’am, how many children do you have?”

Woman: “Just one. Why?”

Security: “Because your child is on your back.”

(She was wearing one of those harnesses.)

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Breaking The Terms of Service, LA-Style

, , , , , | Right | January 31, 2008

(A customer is looking at a laptop. I approach to help.)

Me: “That’s a really great computer.”

Customer: “I don’t need a computer. I need wireless Internet.”

Me: “All right, how much range do you need cover?”

Customer: *dead serious* “From here to Santa Monica.”

(Note: This is about a distance of ten miles.)

Me: “All right, let’s start over. This time I’ll be the one from the future.”

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I Gave Birth To A Guinea Pig

, , , , | Right | January 29, 2008

Me: “Hi there, ma’am. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: *with her young son* “Yeah, could I have a piece of that bologna so my son can taste it?”

Me: “Sure. Would you like to try it, too?”

Customer: “Oh, no, thanks. I just want to see if my son is allergic.”

Me: “…”


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Where The Sun Don’t Shine

, , , | Right | January 28, 2008

(A cell phone customer has been redirected to the call center for non-payment of his cell phone bill.)

Customer: “Turn on my phone or you can take it and shove it up your a**!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have service in that area.”

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Send In The Clowns

, , , | Right | January 27, 2008

(Almost thirty kids are lined up at the Velcro wall waiting to ride. We have about five minutes until our troupe leaves. One of the parents comes up to me.)

Mother: “I want my son to ride this ride.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think there’s enough time for all these kids to–”

Mother: “I don’t care if he’s the last one. I want him to ride this ride.”

Me: “This ride is going to shut down in about five minutes. There isn’t enough time for–”

Mother: “He can be the last in line, then.”

Me: “He can wait in line but probably won’t be able to–”

Mother: “Fine.”

(The mother walks away and returns some time after the ride is shut down and all kids are turned away.)

Mother: “Hey! HEY! I thought we agreed that my child would get on the ride.”

Me: “That’s not what we agreed to.”

Mother: “Well, put the ride back up so he can ride it.”

Me: “I’m sorry but we can’t do all that for one child.”

Mother: “Why not?! You’re just being f***ing stubborn.”

Me: “If you have any complaints you can speak to the clown over there. Have a nice day.”

Mother: “I don’t want to talk to any d*** clown.”

Me: “That clown is my boss.”


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