I Tremble For Our Children

, | Right | March 18, 2008

(A teacher calls me to her classroom. She is trying to project an image on a screen behind a student for a TV camera shot with the projector at eye level in front of the student.)

Teacher: “There is a shadow behind the student now. How can I get rid of that?”

Me: “You can’t. He is blocking the light from the projector from getting to the screen. You could put the projector behind the student, but the image would be smaller on the screen.”

Teacher: “Then what can we do?”

(I get the idea of holding a piece of paper over part of the lens of the projector to create a square area where the student stands where no light would shine. This gives the shadow a bit neater of a shape rather than a human shape.)

Me: “Here, hold this paper over the left side of the lens where the student is standing.”

(The teacher puts a piece of paper RIGHT IN FRONT of the students face.)

Me: “No, right by the lens so a square unlit area will be where the student is standing.”

(The teacher moves the piece of paper and puts it directly BEHIND the students head.)

Me: “No, here…”

(I put the piece of paper in front of the projector lens, leaving a nice square dark area on the screen where the student would stand.)

Teacher: “Well now there is a square there! There is no image directly behind the student, just around the student!”

Me: “Yeah, I know. There is nothing you can do about that, though. It’s the physics of light.”

Teacher: “What if I ask your boss? Think he could do it?”

Me: “No, he cannot bend light around objects.”

Teacher: “Why not?”

Me: “Because he’s not a black hole.”

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Why Some Folks Have Children

, , , | Right | March 17, 2008

(A man comes in with about 4 children running about behind him. He comes up to the counter.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah…I’m looking for some *whispers*…p*rn.”

Me: “You mean adult movies?”

Customer: “Yeah, I guess.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t stock those here.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “There are some stores in the town centre. Perhaps you can try there?”

Customer: “I want some p*rn now! What kind of store is this?”

Me: “I apologise, but we don’t stock adult movies.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous, I only want to watch some p*rn with my wife.”

Me: “Sorry, this is a family store.”

Customer: “MAYBE IT’S FOR THE KIDS TOO! ”

(Customer storms out with all 4 children jumping around behind him as I stand there dumbfounded.)

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Back In My Day, Pills Fell Like Mana From The Heavens

, , , | Right | March 13, 2008

(I was cashiering the closing shift on a Sunday night. The pharmacy closes earlier than the rest of the store on weekends. A customer comes in at 9:30 pm.)

Customer: “Oh sh*t! The pharmacy is closed?!”

Me: “Yes, they close at 6 pm on weekends. They will open again at 8 am tomorrow morning.”

Customer: “But I need a prescription filled.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the pharmacist will not be here until 8 am tomorrow morning.”

Customer: “Can’t you do it?”

Me: “No…”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “I’m not a pharmacist.”

Customer: “Don’t be a smart a**!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Only a pharmacist can fill your prescription.”

Customer: “What is this world coming to?!” *storms out*


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Crap, I Got Spawn Of Gorgoroth

, , , | Right | March 12, 2008

(I work at an store that sells teaching materials. A guy comes in. Keep in mind I was the only person in the store at the time.)

Me: “Hello! Can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to get an algebra book for my nephew.”

Me: “Okay.

(I show him the algebra books, and we make small talk about his nephew…)

Customer: “I can see the divine light in you.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I went up to the mountain and Jesus burned the sins out of me. I couldn’t see anything except fire. Now I can see the divine light in people. You have it. You are pure and innocent.”

Me: *trying not to be completely freaked out* “Huh…heh…”

Customer: “I can see it…you are immortal!”

Me: “Okay…”

(Later, when my boss came back and I told her about this, she laughed and told me that according to this guy she was a Demon Slayer. I felt kind of gypped.)

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He Wants The Google

, , , , | Right | March 7, 2008

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to buy a Google. How much is it?”

Me: “Well, sir, you would have to buy an Internet connection, like our DSL, to–”

(He cuts me off.)

Customer: “I don’t want to buy your f****** DSL! I want Google. My friend told me it’s the best, so I want that!”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Sir, Google is a search engine; you really need to buy a connection package first to–”

(He cuts me off again.)

Customer: “I want Google! Are you listening to me? GOOGLE! HOW MUCH IS IT?”

Me: *innocently* “Oh, my guess would be a few billion, sir.”

Customer: “What? That’s ridiculous!”

Me: “I agree. However, if you buy our DSL package for [price], you can use Google all you want and it’ll be free!

Customer: “Really? Then why would anyone ever be stupid enough to want to buy Google?”

Me: “Beats me, sir.”

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