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You Could Be Having A Ball

, , , , , | Healthy | February 16, 2018

(I am about to have a vasectomy, under a local anaesthetic. The female surgeon and I having been making general chat, and she now approaches with the needle to inject me with the anaesthetic.)

Me: “No jokes about ‘just a little prick’?”

Surgeon: “I’m not allowed to… anymore.”

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This Schooling Is Going Down, I’m Yelling Timber

, , , , , , | Learning | February 2, 2018

(It’s the first day back at university after winter break. I’m in a class of fourth-year students doing a history course on the American Civil War.)

Lecturer: “Welcome back, everyone. I hope you had a good break. Now, everyone knows what day it was yesterday, right?”

Classmate: *immediately and enthusiastically* “Pitbull’s birthday!”

(It was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.)

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Made You The Butt(ock) Of Their Joke

, , , , , | Right | January 18, 2018

(I sell tickets at a kiosk in front of a recently-opened art exhibition in the museum. A couple comes in, and they each have one arm wrapped around the other’s waists.)

Man: “Do we have to pay to see the exhibition?”

Me: “Yes, sir. While the rest of the museum is free, this is a special exhibition that is on loan. It’s £9 per person, or £7 if you qualify for a discount.”

(While grumbling about the cost, the couple detangles from one another, both searching their pockets for money. Eventually they hand me a £20 note.)

Me: *hands them back change and tickets* “Your change is £2, and here are your tickets. Enjoy the exhibition!”

(They put their arms back around each other, and I think nothing of it until they walk past me to look at a painting on the opposite wall. To my horror, I realize that they are, in fact, not holding on to each other’s waists, but instead both of them have their entire hands shoved down not only their partner’s trousers, but also their underwear, and are caressing each other’s bare buttocks. Just as I begin to desperately search for hand sanitizer without touching anything…)

Woman: “Excuse me? Can you throw this away for me?”

(She removes her hand from her partner’s underpants, fishes a used tissue from her pocket, and drops it on my desk before putting her hand back down his boxers.)

Me: *dies on the inside*

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A Different Kind Of Trolley Service

, , , , | Right | December 19, 2017

(Overheard conversation between two old women shopping together as one puts an item in their trolley:)

Customer #1: “Oh, I want some of them. Where do they keep it?”

Customer #2: “I don’t know. I found it in someone’s trolley.”

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At This Rate They’ll Be Paying Double

, , , , , | Right | December 13, 2017

(I work in a hotel in the centre of the city. Sometimes we offer great discounts through the website on quiet days. But you have to prepay, and to change the dates, you have to pay the night’s rate. We have quite a few scammers, this one being the worst:)

Me: “Hello, [Hotel]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I booked a room for a week at your hotel, but I got the wrong dates. I wanted August, but I booked for July.”

Me: “All right. If you can give me the reference, I can look you up.” *he tells me* “So, to confirm, you want [date] to [date]?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “All right. We can change the booking, but you will have to pay the night’s rate.”

Caller: “Hum, not sure about that. How much would it be?”

Me: “£700.”

Caller: “What? How could you charge that much? The website said it’s £350 for the week, and now you want £700 more? You can’t steal money from people like that! I’m going to call your headquarters and tell them what thieves you are!”

Me: *thinking headquarters actually decide the prices* “I’m sorry you feel like this, sir. The quote you were given is an online price, and the discount is available on some dates only. August is very busy, so the rooms are charged full price. We would be willing to offer two complementary breakfast as goodwill, but that’s the best I can’t do.”

Caller: “I don’t care about your breakfast! I want the room at the price on the website, and you should give at least one night for free for the distress you’ve caused!”

Me: “Again, sir, I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. That’s not–“

Caller: “Whatever! You’re useless! I’ll take my business somewhere else! Just refund me!”

Me: “I can’t do that, sir. You chose a non-refundable rate, therefore–“

Caller: “What?! You never said that! That’s false advertising! I’m going to sue you!”

Me: “Actually, the conditions are very clear on the website. You receive a red warning, first when you book, and then when you check out. It clearly says that the booking is non-refundable.”

Caller: “I don’t read signs, and I didn’t even book through your stupid website, anyway.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but the discount you received can only be obtained online.”

Caller: “Are you calling me a liar? I want to speak to your manager now!”

Me: “Unfortunately, she went home for the night.” *that was at about 11:00 pm* “But if you leave your phone number, I’ll make sure she’ll call you in the morning.”

Caller: “It’s [number]. She had better call me, or I’ll sue you!” *hangs up*

Me: “Okay.”

(The next morning I explained what happened to my manager. She called the customer and told him the same thing. He then proceeded to call our headquarters, and again was told the same thing. As a last resort, he posted a bad review on Trip Advisor, where my manager politely told him to read the conditions before agreeing to anything.)

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