All Your Sanity Is Just Scone

, , , , | Right | November 30, 2018

(My flatmate and I are stopping in at the supermarket to get a few bits and pieces of grocery shopping after class. My flatmate is mostly buying something for breakfast, which she’s very particular about. She also recently began working a job that starts at five am before her classes at nine am, and has been a bit crabby of late. We’re in the bakery aisle.)

Flatmate: “Where are they?”

Me: “What’s up?”

Flatmate: “The tattie scones! They’re all out of tattie scones! They don’t have a single pack! There’s usually three different brands, and they haven’t got a single one!”

Me: “Oh. That sucks.”

Flatmate: *unintentionally loudly* “They don’t have the expensive ones! They don’t even have the ‘soft potato cakes’! What am I supposed to do? What’s my life come to?! What is the point of a supermarket that doesn’t even have tattie scones? All I want are some bloody tattie scones!”

(After this outburst, just as we’re leaving the bakery aisle, there’s a voice behind us, musing to herself.)

Customer: “Gosh. I haven’t had a tattie scone in ages!”

Flatmate: *pause* “I did not realise I was being that loud. I am so sorry. I’m just really passionate about scones.”

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A Baby Might Consider The Uterus A Cell, Of Sorts

, , , , , , | Learning | November 4, 2018

(I am volunteering at a science festival, doing science activities with children. We have an activity where it is relevant to mention that a baby is made from an egg and a sperm. The activity is specifically designed so that we never have to mention how these two get together in the first place, but we do name the two cells. I am supervising a girl of around nine, and a few other kids.)

Me: “The baby is made from two special cells from the mum and the dad. Does anyone know what the special cell from the mum is called?”

Nine-Year-Old: *raises hand excitedly, then calls out at the top of her voice* “Vagina!”

(I carefully avoid making eye contact with any of the other adults at the stand, knowing that I will not be able to contain myself if I do.)

Me: *very calmly* “You’re very close. That’s actually where the baby comes out of the mum.”

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Lawyers Were Never Real People

, , , , | Legal | August 10, 2018

(I work for a government department that deals mainly with legal professionals, but we do occasionally get calls from members of the general public.)

Colleague: *on phone* “It’s a bit complicated. Are you a lawyer or a real person?”

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When Life Gives You Lemons, You Make Mechanical Engineers

, , , , , | Right | August 3, 2018

(I am a female mechanical engineering student working part-time in a local Scottish pub. There are always a lot of questions when the old boys find out what I study.)

Customer: “Do you study here, then?”

Me: “Yes, I study mechanical engineering. It’s great!”

Customer: “I bet there’s loads of boys on the course; is that why you chose it?”

Me: *sharply* “Not at all. It’s an extremely interesting subject that covers the mechanics of everything — not just cars, if that was going to be your next question.”

(I am regularly asked if I know how an engine works. The customer goes quiet, and I continue cutting lemons for the drinks. Then, about ten minutes later…)

Customer: “I can tell you’re going to be a great engineer, by the way you’re cutting those lemons so methodically!”

(All I could do was say thanks, and leave ASAP so I didn’t burst out laughing at his genuine compliment.)

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I Have An Ice Cream Dream

, , , , , , | Related | July 2, 2018

(We are having a heatwave at the moment. As I am shopping, I pass a small girl and what I assume is her grandmother. The grandmother is carrying two boxes of ice lollies, each containing 12 lollipops.)

Grandmother: “Right. We need to get these home before they melt.”

Granddaughter: “Or we could just eat them now.”

(I admire her ambition.)


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