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Just Pining For The Fjords

, , , , , | Friendly | March 9, 2020

(I’m staying in a hotel with a friend as part of our annual trip to Edinburgh. I’ve been known to talk in my sleep but I rarely remember doing so, and it’s only thanks to my friend telling me that I know about it at all. This night has been a little rough — as nights often are in unfamiliar locations — with a number of false awakenings. But, beyond that, I do feel somewhat well-rested. I’m getting up to use the toilet when my friend asks me something.)

Friend: “Do you remember shouting in your sleep last night?”

Me: “I vaguely recall trying to vocalise after hearing you talk, but otherwise, no.”

Friend: “You were shouting Monty Python quotes in your sleep.”

Me: “Wow. That says a lot about me, doesn’t it?”

(Thank Brian of Nazareth I didn’t disturb anyone else!)

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A Life Of Crime Is A Gamble

, , , , , , , | Legal | January 20, 2020

My mum is the area manager of a chain of betting shops. She travels around them all making sure nothing shady is going on and everything is running smoothly. One day, we receive a panicked call from her.

“Yeah, this is going to sound nuts but can you come to get me? Someone is in the shop with a gun threatening to steal.”

At hearing this, we all freak out. For reference: guns have been illegal in Scotland for many years unless you have a specialised license. So, we make the 20-minute drive there only to find a police car and someone in an oversized onesie being escorted out screaming that he has no idea why he is being taken in.

Confused, we walk in to find out what happened. We find my mum and two other employees struggling to contain their laughter. After a few minutes, we manage to get it out. Someone came in wearing a balaclava and all black, and carrying a loaded gun. When the panic button was pressed, he ran… only to turn up a measly ten minutes later after changing clothes and ask to make a bet. By that point, the police arrived and he was escorted out immediately.

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I Believe In Unnamed Miracles!

, , , , | Right | December 19, 2019

(Usually, my best friend is a brilliant customer. She’s worked for years in many different aspects of customer service and knows how to be an awesome customer. The other day, however…)

Barista: “Hi! How can I help?”

Friend: “Hi! I’d like a medium extra hot, please.”


Barista: *patiently* “An extra hot, what?” 

Friend: *now confused* “A medium, extra hot… please?”

(Pause. The barista and I look at her, willing her to finish the sentence.)

Friend: *completely confused* “What?!”

Me: “She’d like a medium hot chocolate, extra hot, please. She likes it to be like lava.”

(The barista laughs and my friend finally gets it.)

Friend: “I never mentioned what drink, did I? Sorry! I’m an idiot.”

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A Sweet Ending

, , , , , , | Working | October 9, 2019

My old broadband company was hopeless. My net was down more than it was up, often for hours to days. Family friends were almost ready to sue them as their “service” was so bad locally. I decided it was finally time to switch to a faster and more reliable company.

The changeover was due at midnight and was to have a new router in the post before it. The post came that day and there was no new router in it, so I sighed and resigned myself to using Twitter to complain yet again about broadband issues. 

The new company responded to tweets quickly and found there was a system error, so the automatic release of the router when I signed up had not happened for some reason. For the inconvenience, he would credit my account with £8 for being without the Internet for what could be up to five days, but he put an urgency request on it.

The next day, to my surprise, a router and parcel came in the post. The parcel was a bar of chocolate from a local supplier with an apology note from the new broadband company, written by the guy I had spoken with on Twitter. After setting up my new router, the first thing I did was sent a DM to acknowledge that the router had arrived and thank him for the chocolate.

The next day, a second router arrived! I went back on Twitter to announce my routers were breeding. I was sent a free postage bag a few days later to return it and was thanked for telling them as so many kept them.

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It’s Warm Inside, There’s All Kinds Of Lovely Atmosphere

, , , , , , | Hopeless | September 23, 2019

(My daughters and I are fans of the show “Red Dwarf” and meeting the cast would be amazing, but times in the 90s are tough for us so conventions are beyond us. One of the actors from the show, Craig Charles, is doing a reading from one of his books in a major book store in our city, so I have the idea of taking the daughter that likes it the most.)

Me: “Hi, Mr. Charles! Could my bairn have your autograph, please?”

(Craig, noticing my daughter is around five years old, asks if she knows who he is.)

Daughter: *quite clearly* “Yeah! Smeghead!”

Craig: “That’s ‘Mister Smeghead, sir’!”

(He signed her book, “Craig Charles, SMEGHEAD!”)

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