Don’t Worry; It Gets Batter

, , , , , , | Related | April 24, 2019

(I am about five years old, my brother around eight. It is a weekend. We have woken up before our parents and want to be up before they do. We also want pancakes. We’ve been sticking our heads out our door and calling down the hall to ask them if they’re going to get up. I can’t remember the first part of the conversation went, but I remember this part clearly.)

Brother: “Could you make us pancakes?”

Dad: “Maybe later.”

Me: “Do you mind if I make pancakes?”

Dad: “No.”

(I turn away from the door and start to pout.)

Brother: “What are you sad about?”

Me: “He said no!”

Brother: “But that means yes!”

(He then explains how “do you mind” and “no” mean “I don’t mind.”)

Me: “But… I don’t know how to make pancakes!”

(Somehow I had conveniently forgotten that fact when I asked if I could make them myself. To the best of my memory, that morning ended with me on a stool beside my mom trying to make “the biggest pancake ever” and asking her to make the batter fill the entire pan.)

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Remove Card Like You Removed Your Brain

, , , , , | Right | March 1, 2019

(This happens several times a shift. A customer inserts their debit or credit card into the machine, and the machine starts beeping. The screen says, “Please remove card.” The customer stares blankly at the machine for several seconds then looks at me. Finally…)

Customer: “It says to remove card; what do I do?”

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Swan Lake It Isn’t…

, , , , , | Friendly | September 24, 2018

(I am fifteen. A friend’s dad gets free tickets to a ballet, and offers them to my friend and me. It is a production about Merlin, so we decide to dress up and go. We get handed programs, sit down, read them, and wait for the show to start. It starts with dancing and leaping and so many other amazing moves that I cannot begin to do justice to with words. According to that part of the program, the story goes that a beautiful woman comes to a clearing and dances with glee, then is accosted by a demon, is chased, and becomes pregnant with Merlin. We get to a point where Merlin’s mother is lying on the ground, while the demon keeps walking back and forth above her. I’m wondering if this is some kind of metaphorical thing, because he is stepping over her body the whole time, and lean over to my friend and whisper to ask her opinion.)

Me: “Do you think he’s already—”

(Right as I say this, the “demon” gets down on all fours, lies on top of her, and arches his back.)

Me: *pause* “Never mind.”

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They Let The Sleeping Dog Lie

, , , , , | Related | June 15, 2018

(My dad and I are staying with some old family friends. At one point, we decide to go visit one of his brothers, and our friend drives us there. She also brings her dog. We all have a nice time, pile back in the truck, and start heading back to their place. During the drive, she and her daughter start talking about a friend of theirs who had lost their dog. This makes me remember something…)

Me: “Wait… Where’s the dog?”

Friend: “What? OH, MY GOD, WE FORGOT THE DOG!”

(We immediately turned around, while I called my uncle and aunt. I got voicemail on both their phones, and awkwardly told thin air, “Yeah, so… We forgot a dog at your place, and we’re on our way back to come get him…” We got back to their place, my cousin let me in to retrieve the dog from the basement, and we went back on our way. Fortunately for him, he was a nearly 20-year-old, half-blind, mostly-deaf shih tzu, so I found him lounging on the couch without a care in the world, completely unaware that we had just very nearly abandoned him, and he happily sat on my lap for the ride home without a single hint of distress.)

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Unfiltered Story #105914

, , | Unfiltered | February 18, 2018

(I have developed a friendship with the lady at my local pet store, frequently chat with her about our respective pets, and ask her about anything I’m unsure of. At one point I am considering getting some birds, and want to know about their mating habits. With other pets I’ve had, you either want more females than males (so that the males do not harass the females too much) or more males than females (so that the males will have competition to put on their mating display), so I wanted to know the best ratio to get.)

Me: “I was wondering, with finches; do I want one of each, more male than female, or more female than male?”

Friend: “Well, what kind of finch?”

Me: *shrug*

Friend: “Well, with live bearers, you want more females than males, and with others, you want more males than females… it all depends on the type of fish.”

Me: “Oh, no, FINCH!”

Friend: “OH! No, those like to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I couldn’t figure out why you were asking that, like, ‘this dude knows his fish so well– why is he asking this question?'” *laughs*

Me: “Yeah, and I couldn’t figure out why you were talking about live-bearing BIRDS! I was thinking ‘wait, is that a thing?!?'” *we both laugh*