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A Meth-od To The Madness

, , , , , , | Right | March 23, 2023

I have a tremendous memory for useless and vaguely questionable information. I’m working in a grocery store. A woman comes through my line with a bottle of children’s cough medicine.

Me: “Could I see your ID, please?”

Customer: “…What?”

Me: “I need to see your ID for the cough syrup.”

Customer: *Scared* “Why?!”

Me: “This cough syrup contains dextromethorphan, which under the right conditions can be distilled to make meth, so it’s an eighteen-plus-restricted item.”

Customer: *Relaxing* “Oh, okay. I was worried that I was going to give my kid something bad.”

I haven’t had a complaint about getting ID’ed for cough medicine yet. I think that if the explanation doesn’t satisfy them, the long drug name baffles them into not saying anything.

The Best Thing You Can Give Someone Looking For A Fight Is Walking Away

, , , , | Right | March 22, 2023

I work at a theater. As is standard, a little while after the last movie goes in, we close down the stand for the night and lock the doors, which makes them one-way; people can leave, but can’t enter.

We’ve been closed for about thirty-five minutes, and by this point, the concession stand is totally closed down, there’s no money in the registers and they’ve been turned off, we’re in the middle of sweeping and mopping, and we are going to leave soon. We keep a little extra popcorn on hand for refills, but that’s it. We literally can’t sell anything.

A group of men between the ages of sixteen and twenty-five show up outside and knock. I go to the door.

Me: “Do you already have tickets?”

They do, so I let them in. If they already have tickets, we let people in because sometimes they’re just running late. I send our ticket-taker back to the greeter stand to scan them in.

The group proceeds to the greeter stand, and the oldest guy, who seems to be in charge, is immediately and needlessly aggressive and rude to our ticket-taker, who has special needs. He does this weird little “lunge” thing with his neck to scare her and then points his finger literally right in her face.

Customer: “Sweep the floor!”

Then, he laughs incredibly loud and walks to his theater.

A few minutes later, he and several of his friends come out and go into the bathroom. They’re in there for a while, and when they come out, it’s obvious that they did drugs in there. The oldest guy is sniffling quite a bit like there’s something in his nose, his eyes are practically bugging out of his head, he seems very tensed up, and he’s wavering quite badly while he walks.

A coworker pulls out their phone and ducks into the back, ready to call the cops if they start acting up. The oldest guy immediately walks up to me. I’m already angry at the way he treated my coworker, and I’m even angrier that he’s doing drugs, so I’m blunt. He’s also bordering on shouting the entire time.

Customer: “Popcorn!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re closed. I can’t sell anything.”

Customer: “Then what’s that?!”

He points to the small amount of popcorn we have for refills, which is just barely visible in the back.

Me: “That’s for refills for people who bought popcorn before we closed.”

Customer: *Becoming aggressive* “Sell it to me! Now!”

Me: “Sorry, but no. The registers are turned off.”

Customer: “That just means you can’t take cards. I got cash money right now!”

Me: “No, it means the registers are completely off and empty. I can’t accept any transactions, cash or card, nor would I be able to give you change.”

Customer: “F****** white boy here won’t sell me popcorn when I got cash money?!

For the sake of context, this customer and his friends are Black.

Me: “As I said, we’re closed and the registers are off. I literally could not sell you anything even if I wanted to.”

The conversation continues for about thirty seconds with us going in circles; he demands popcorn, and I keep saying “No.” Finally, he gets really mad.

Customer: “How about this? How about I put your f****** picture online and say you’re a racist-a** white boy who called me a [racial slur]?! I could destroy your whole life!”

Me: “I’m not continuing this conversation. Especially after you scared my coworker.”

I say nothing else; I just turn and walk away, leaving him flabbergasted.

Customer: *Screaming after me.* “What do you mean, you’re not continuing this conversation?! Don’t you f****** dare walk away from me, white boy! Racist! F****** racist! Racist-a** slave-master! Slave-master f***!”

He stands there shouting. I go talk to a manager. The manager comes out and tells the men that they can either leave peacefully WITHOUT a refund or we’ll call the cops and have them physically kicked out and press trespassing charges. They choose to leave and go get the rest of their group from the theater. As they leave, the leader decides to continue his little rant.

Customer: “F****** [slur for white people]s! All of you are racist! I ain’t no slave for the master! You’re all just racist-a** slave-master f***s! I’m gonna go online and destroy your lives! Expose your racist-a** slave-master a**es! F*** all you racist [slur for white people]s!”

They finally left.

We did call the cops regardless since they were doing drugs, but they left before the cops could get there. Just to make it even funnier, the guy called back a few days later and tried to say they were unfairly kicked out and asked if they could get refunds. They were not given refunds, and we alerted corporate to the situation so they wouldn’t get refunds if they tried to lie to our corporate office.

The Only LSD Here Is A Low-Success Demand

, , , , | Right | March 15, 2023

I was working at a comics and gaming store, and a guy came in looking for a board game recommendation. I showed him a few games, and he chose one. I started to check him out.

Customer: “I’m going to play this game with my friend while we do LSD. Want to join us?”

Oh, yeah, I can think of nothing I would rather do than psychedelics with random men. I’m not sure how he thought he and his friends would play a board game while on LSD in the first place.

Don’t Let That Barback Back In Your Bar

, , , , , , , , | Working | February 10, 2023

I was bartending at a basement bar venue that was a decent-sized place. We had two bartenders and a barback on this particular Sunday. The other bartender was my favorite type of guy to work with: jaded and surly with a sense of humor.

The barback, however, had been setting off red flags since he’d started a few months before. He just kind of seemed like a sketchy druggie. I started hearing that he was asking for advances on his check to buy coke and getting yakked up in the broom closet. I trusted the people telling me these things, but I always verify for myself, so I started paying closer attention to him.

I noticed that [Barback] would sweep behind the bar toward the end of the night, which I would never do when I was a barback. You wash dishes and stock as directed by the bartenders; you generally don’t belong behind the bar unless you are bartending. But I wasn’t trying to be a jerk to the guy for sweeping.

Tips had been feeling light for a little while, but I never had a smoking gun until the night in question. I was counting up our tips to split between [Bartender], [Barback], and myself when I realized I only had four $20s. The problem is that when I adjusted all my credit card tips, I pulled out five $20s, and that wasn’t counting [Bartender]’s $20s.

I announced that something was off. [Barback] started to sweat. The owner went to check the camera and, sure enough, saw [Barback] go in for his signature sweep behind the bar right after we pulled our credit card tips. As soon as our backs were turned, this slimy motherf***er dipped his hand into the tip bucket and took $100 out.

[Owner] told him to give it back now or deal with the cops. He had it stashed away in a shadowy corner like the rat he was.

He got fired immediately. [Bartender], [Owner], and I spent the next couple of hours drinking and cursing [Barback]’s name. Every time the conversation would change topic, someone would bring it back with, “I can’t believe that motherf***er!”

As a bonus, a couple of weeks later, I was taking inventory in the beer walk-in — kegs and over a hundred different bottles and cans — and in a half-empty six-pack, I found a phone matching one that had gone missing from a server’s purse. [Barback] had been working the night the server’s phone went missing, and the stashing behavior matched up, too.

There’s no worse Karma in the restaurant industry than stealing from your coworkers.

Tourists Always Seem To Love Lines

, , , , , , , , | Right | February 7, 2023

I work as a bartender at a nightclub in New York City. Two fellows with thick European accents come up to the bar, and one asks in all earnestness:

Customer: “Two lines of Coke, please.”

I just stare at him for a couple of seconds. Yup, he’s serious.

Me: “Coke… Uh… cola?”

Customer: “No, to sniff.”

He then does a little mime demonstration for me to really drive home what is by now abundantly clear.

Me: “Ah, I see; you’re an idiot. Go get arrested somewhere else.”