Breaking Bank

, , , , , , | Working | February 11, 2013

(I was recently made redundant at work and have had to cut back on expenses. I am paying off a cancelled credit card at about NZ$20 a week from my meagre unemployment insurance. At nine am once a fortnight, I receive phone calls from the bank which are unhelpful but relatively pleasant. Then, this happens…)

Me: “Hello?”

Employee: “Yes, this is [Employee] from the credit facility of [Bank]. Our records show that you have been paying off the amount which you owe at a rate of $20 each Friday of each week. ”

Me: “Yes, and as I have explained, I am unable to pay any more at present.”

Employee: “I understand, but why are you not paying a greater amount?”

Me: “Because I am unable to pay any more with my current expenses and earnings.”

Employee: “I understand that. So, you’ll be paying more from this week? The more you pay, the faster you will pay off the debt, and you want to do that or else your credit rating—”

Me: “—will be adversely affected. Yes, I understand that. The thing is, I don’t earn more than $320 total each week.”

Employee: “I understand that. We would expect that you paid a relatively small amount of your earning each week, say a thousand dollars, as a minimum.”

Me: “A thousand dollars is and never has been a small amount of my earnings, even when I was working! I’d have to be running a methamphetamine lab to make enough to afford that each week!”

Employee: “That’s a good idea, sir! Would you consider such a venture?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Employee: “If that would assist you making the payments, [Bank] would be happy to help you. Would you need some bridging finance to start this venture?”

Me: “You do realise what you are asking, don’t you?”

Employee: “Of course. You wish to start a small business venture and we at [bank] would happily—”

Me: “—finance a criminal enterprise?”

Employee: “I beg your pardon?”

Me: “You do understand that making methamphetamine is illegal in this country?”

(There are a few moments of silence, except for rapid typing noises.)

Employee: “Oh, yes. I remember now. I had forgotten because I was thinking about the Rugby football match this weekend between the Blues and the Warriors, sir.”

(Note to American and foreign readers: this is like a person telling you they are in Cleveland to watch an ice hockey match between the Cavaliers and the Browns — two utterly different codes of sport between teams from the same town.)

Me: “I’ll pay you what I can when I can, okay?”

Employee: “That would be acceptable, sir.”


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Who Needs Highs When You’ve Got Dyes

, , , , , | Right | January 28, 2011

(I have light blue hair with dark blue tips.)

Customer: *staring at me*

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Am I still high, or is your hair really like that?”

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Smoke Your Veggies

, , , , , , , | Right | January 18, 2011

(I’m a waitress taking the order of a little girl and her mother.)

Young Daughter: “I’ll get the mac ’n’ cheese. Extra cheesy!”

Mother: “No, you certainly will not. It’s your third day eating mac ‘n’ cheese, missy! You’re going to get chicken and broccoli.”

Young Daughter: “But, mommy! Eddie said that broccoli is bad for you!”

Mother: “Your brother most certainly did not!”

Young Daughter: “Yeah! The other day I saw him smoking his broccoli and when I asked if I could he looked at me and said that it’s very bad for little girls like me. His eyes were all red and everything!”

Mother: “When was this?!”

Young Daughter: “Yesterday! But his friend brought over more broccoli today. They’re weird.”

Me: *feeling very awkward* “Ma’am, I can get the check for you if you’d like to leave?”

Mother: “That’d be great. And could you box up an order of mac ’n’ cheese, please? Oh, and some really good smelling stuff? I figure they’ll have the munchies and I want to torture them.”

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D’ohpe, Part 2

, , , , , | Legal Right | January 12, 2011

(I’m a criminal lawyer at a free legal service. I am talking to a client on a DUI.)

Me: “…so, after the guilty plea I make submissions to try and minimise the penalty.”

Client: “You want an excuse or something?”

Me: “Well, actually there’s no excuse or defense under our law, but maybe if we submit your circumstances we can ask for the lesser end of the penalty.”

Client: *in all seriousness* “Well, tell them I wasn’t thinking straight cause of all the dope I’d smoked.”


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Stone Baked Goodness

, , , , | Right | December 16, 2010

(I answer a phone call from an obviously high customer.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. Will this be for dine-in, take out, or delivery?”

Customer: “Do you guys have any specials?”

Me: “Yes, right now we have an extra-large pepperoni pizza for $12.99.”

Customer: “Woah! That’s a great stoner pizza! Wait, did I say that out loud?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Customer: “Awesome!”

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