(A customer comes up to the register at about 11 pm, looking a little out of it.)

Customer: “Hi, how much is a double cheeseburger?”

Me: “With tax, it comes to $1.46.”

Customer: “Oh… okay…” (Searches through his pockets and comes up with 63 cents.) “Can I pay with this much cash and the rest on debit?”

Me: “Sure, that’s no problem. I’ll have to do the debit portion first.”

Customer: “Normally, I’d pay with the whole thing on debit, but I just bought a bunch of pot and I don’t know what’s left in my account.”

Me: “How did you manage to buy pot with your debit card?”

Customer: “Oh, man! My dealer is so great! He just got one of those portable debit machines! He comes right to my house!”

Me: “Well, if you could just swipe your card…”

Customer: “Oh, no! I didn’t protect my PIN. What if you saw it?”

Me: “Don’t worry, sir, I was over there. I wasn’t even watching, and I have a terrible memory.”

Customer: “Okay, well, it’s 6969. That’s my favorite number!”

(After leaving with his food I had to chase after him, as he had left his debit card in the machine.)

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(A patient walks up to the pick-up window looking like he just came from the emergency room.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I wanna drop this off…” *hands me an ER prescription*

Me: “Sir, this is the pick-up window. You need to drop off the prescription at the drop off window.”

Customer: “Where’s that?”

Me: “The counter at the entrance to the room with the big sign that says “Drop Off Window’.”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: “You know, you already waited in line so I’ll just take the prescription here. Have you ever had any medication here before?”

Customer: “I don’t know; have I?”

Me: “I’ll take that as a no. Do you have any allergies to medication?”

Customer: “Well, when I mix heroin and battery acid, I get a rash.”

Me: “…I’ll make a note on that.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Garden Store]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Yeah, I have mites on my, uh… tomato plants. I need something to put on them to kill the mites”

Me: “Well, sir, we have many different types of sprays and powders for bug eradication that can work.”

Caller: “I need something that can work indoors.”

Me: “Indoors? Like a greenhouse? Because the products we have are all-natural and can be used in a greenhouse.”

Caller: “I mean indoors like in my house. I don’t want to use a spray in the closet in my room.”

Me: “Sir, you’re growing tomatoes in your closet?”

Caller: “Uh, yeah… so what can I use?”

Me: “Well, we have a powder made of diatomes you can use to kill the mites, and you can still eat the tomatoes without any issue. It’s all-natural and perfectly safe.”

Caller: “That sounds good, but… umm, what if I were to smoke the tomato plant? Would that still be safe?”

(I finally realize he’s NOT really talking about tomatoes.)

Me: “Umm, sir, tomato plants are part of the nightshade family and are actually poisonous if ingested. I wouldn’t recommend smoking them or eating the plant itself. Just the tomato.”

Caller: “But, if I had a plant that was smokeable, I could use the powder stuff and it would be okay?”

Me: “Yeah, just make sure you wash it well before you um… smoke it… as you would with any home-grown vegetables and fruits.”

Caller: “You’re sure? Because I don’t wanna die for smoking something I’m not supposed to.”

Me: “Then make sure you aren’t smoking the tomato plants in your closet and you’ll be fine. Have a nice day!”

(One evening, an elderly Irish woman, complete with white hair, a cane, and a heavy accent, comes up to the photo counter to pick up some pictures she dropped off earlier.)

Customer: “I would like to have a discount on these photos I just printed. Can you give me five of the 20 for free?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we really can’t do that.”

Customer: “I’ll give you some perks.”

Me: “Perks?”

Customer: “Percs. You know… percs.”

(Customer reaches out to shake my hand and places three pills in it.)

Customer: “Those are good percs, I know you’ll like them!”