(I had a severe headache from having been locked in the store overnight while the floor was being stripped. The store opened on time and the manager arrived in street clothes to help move displays back to the tile.)

Old Lady: “Do you want to look in my shopping bag?

Me: “No, ma’am, you’re fine.”

Old Lady: “LOOK IN MY BAG!”

Me: “I don’t need to.”

(The old lady comes over, opens it, and shoves it in my face.)

Me: “Okay, then…”

(I peeked in the bag and saw her groceries from another store.)

Old Lady: “What the h*** do you think you are doing? I’m not a thief! Where do you get off doing something like that! Just because I am old doesn’t make me a thief!”

Me: “What? Where do you get off coming in here and raising your voice at me?”

Store Manager: *quiet*

Old Lady: “There was no reason to look in my bag!”

Me: “I don’t know what your problem is, but you are going to take it with you and leave this store right now!”

Store Manager: *still quiet*

Old Lady: “You had no right to look in my bag!”

Me: “Ma’am, you demanded I look in that bag. Even the store manager heard you do it. I’m in no mood for your paranoid games. If you ever come back in here and treat any of my employees the way you have just treated me, I’ll escort you through that door so fast you’ll get whiplash.”

Old Lady: *huffs out*

Store Manager: “A little tired, are we buddy?”

Customer: “Hi, do you work here?”

Me: “Yeah, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Do you sell baby mayonnaise?”

Me: “…no. Seriously, I don’t think it even exists.”

Customer: “Oh, okay…”

Related:
A Big Mayo No No, Part 6
A Big Mayo No No, Part 5
A Big Mayo No No, Part 4
A Big Mayo No No, Part 3
A Big Mayo No No, Part 2

(I am called back by the pharmacist to assist with a verbally abusive customer. The more the lady yells, the louder her kid cries. None of the other customers in line behind her can get to the register. )

Me: “How may I help you?”

Lady: “It’s about time you got back here to straighten this out! This s***-head won’t give me a medicine spoon!”

Pharmacist: “I’m sorry, I’ve tried to explain that we are all out of the complimentary spoons.”

Lady: “If my daughter ends up getting an overdose of her medicine, I’m going to sue you!”

(I roll my eyes and walk over to a display of dosing spoons, selecting one we sell for 99 cents.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry we don’t have any of the free ones. Let me buy this one for you.”

Lady: “What? Do I look like a welfare mother to you? I don’t need your f****** charity!”

Pharmacist: “You don’t need the spoon either. Those are chewable tablets.”

(I am helping a regular customer who has wandered in — as he does daily — from the nursing home across the street.)

Old Man: “You’re working again?”

Me: “Yes, every day.”

Old Man: “You know what? Every time I see you, there’s a big smile on your face.”

Me: “What can I say? I love my job.”

Old Man: “Yes, you have a wonderful smile. You’ll make a good-looking corpse.”

Me: “…”

(He got a wide berth after that.)

This story is part of our I Love My Job roundup!

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(We’re selling tons of over-the-counter, store-brand medications at buy one, get one free. I ring up a lady who has two bottles of cough syrup with her. She keeps a stern eye on the cash register monitor as I check them through.)

Lady: “That’s not right.”

Me: “What isn’t?”

Lady: “The coupon says buy one at $6.99, get the other one free.”

Me: “Precisely. You’re getting both of these for $6.99.”

Lady: “But one’s ringing up as $3.50 and the other at $3.49.”

Me: “That’s correct. The register divides these differences automatically.”

Lady: *growing fidgety* “But that’s not what the coupon says.”

Me: *after a pause* “Well, $3.50 plus $3.49 is $6.99.”

Lady: “So this is how you scam customers!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m pretty certain that we here at [Drugstore Chain] do not scam our customers when even basic math can rule out any differences.”

Lady: “I only want one. Put this other one back; I don’t want it. I’m not paying an extra $3.49 for this. The ad said buy one, get one free, and I’m not getting that one for free.”

Me: *head-desk*

This story is part of our Pi Day Math roundup!

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