I’m borrowing my dad’s car to drive some friends to a concert. As we’re putting their bags into the trunk, one of them says:

Friend: “Oh my god! Eww! Gross!”

Me: “What is it?”

Friend: “There’s moldy bread back here!”

Me: “Oh d***. I thought that would be gone by now.”

Friend: “You knew that was here?!”

Me: “That’s my dad’s hot dog bread. He lets it get moldy on purpose.”

Friend: “Why?!”

Me: “Okay, so you know how packs of hot dogs and packs of hot dog buns are always off by two? You usually get two more hot dog buns than you need? He hates that.”

Friend: “Uh huh…”

Me: “Yeah, so he uses up the six he needs, but he leaves the two he doesn’t in the trunk of the car to get moldy. Then he goes to the store, buys a new pack of hot dog buns, and comes back the next day with the moldy buns in the packaging, with the receipt from yesterday. They refund him every time.”

Friend: “How many times has he done that?!”

Me: “Too many to count.”

Friend: “And the store lets him get away with it?”

Me: “I mean, yeah? They know what he’s up to, but he has a receipt, he bought back part of the product, and it’s clearly moldy. They’ve told him to his face that they know what he’s doing, but he also knows they have to go by what corporate says, so here we are.”

Friend: “Your dad sounds… invested.”

Me: “Just don’t tell him that the money he saves is wasted by the gas used to drive back there the next day. He hates that…”

I am out with my grandma. My late grandpa has five kids from a previous marriage, and she has my dad and uncle from her first marriage. This results in twenty-three adult grandkids.

We are talking about my brother and his girlfriend.

Grandma: “Apparently they told your mom and dad that they don’t want kids.”

Me: “Me neither, really.”

Grandma: *Dryly.* “Oh no. Whatever shall I do with only eighteen great-grandchildren?”

In our town, our house was on a plot that was one of the highest elevations. The school was about halfway up the gentle hill that we sat on top of.

One morning, my dad said he would drive my brother and me to school, which was weird since it was just a ten-minute walk downhill, but hey, free ride!

Except… he drove to the bottom of the hill and told us to get out.

Brother: “What’s happening?”

Dad: “You need to learn what it’s like to walk to school uphill.”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Dad: “Yeah, you’re going to want to use the phrase on your kids someday.”

Brother: “But… Dad, we walk uphill on the way home from school.”

Dad: “And today, you’ll get to walk uphill both ways.”

A friend and I are talking about getting our driver’s licenses when we’re sixteen. We live in Australia.

Friend: “I won’t be able to drive in Australia. I have to move to America before I can drive.”

Me: “Why?’

Friend: “I’m left-handed. I won’t be able to drive Australian cars because they’re right-hand drive only. American cars are left-hand drive, so I’ll be able to drive there.”

My stepmom owned a couple of hot dog stands. Every summer, she catered an outdoor movie night event for the community. It’s an all-day event. When I was in college, they asked me to help out and gave me the money they got paid, so I could have some money for school.

The morning of the event, I got to my dad’s house and started helping him load the hot dog cart onto the back of his truck. All of a sudden, this SUV starts speeding down the alley. My dad narrowly avoided getting hit, but as the SUV passed, it took out the driver’s side mirror of my dad’s truck. The SUV then stops a few houses down, and the guy jumps out and runs into a house.

My dad and I both looked at each other, really confused, and then went to check out the damage. The mirror was hanging off, so we had to figure out how to tape it back on because we needed it to make the hour-and-a-half-long drive to the event.

After a few minutes, the guy from the SUV comes back out and walks towards us. My dad was pretty angry and looked ready to confront him. The guy stops right in front of the mirror, looks at it, turns to us, and says:

Guy: “I’m so sorry. I was about to s*** myself.”

I could barely hold back my laughter, and although my dad was still visibly p***ed off, I could tell he thought it was funny too.

The guy ended up paying for the mirror, but the whole thing was such a weird interaction, and I’m sure he remembers the day he took out a mirror when he almost s*** his pants.