I picked up my girlfriend from the Japanese restaurant she works at and am driving her home. She is eating a to-go bowl the kitchen made for her. English is not her first language.
Girlfriend: “Ooh! There’s an egg in it!”
Me: “Is it a chicken egg or a quail egg?”
Girlfriend: “It is a Japanese egg!”
Me: *Laughing.* “I… I don’t think the Japanese are an egg-laying species, dear.”
This happened during a long road trip when I was a young child:
Dad: “The only sign language I know I learned from driving.”
Me: “How do you learn sign language while driving?”
Sister: “Show us!”
Mom: *Dryly.* “Yes, honey, show our impressionable children this sign language you know.”
Dad: “Well… you have to study for a test before you get your license. One of the things you need to learn is how to sign a left or right turn if your turn signal doesn’t work.”
He proceeds to show us how to sign which direction you were turning.
I have no clue why this random conversation stuck with me, but even today, occasionally this pops into my head when I turn on my turn signal. It wasn’t until years later that I realized the signs I’d learned were definitely not the sign language my father was referring to, having learned from driving. Kudos, Dad, on such a quick and smooth transition, though!
Our pizza place was going through an extensive remodel. About three days into the remodel, this little old lady parks her car in our small parking lot (seriously, it could probably fit maybe ten cars maximum) and starts getting out of the car.
We have a twenty-foot dumpster in front of the building that completely blocks the view of the doors.
Manager: “[My Name], get out there and stop that lady from walking across the parking lot. She can’t see that we aren’t open.”
I went to do that and informed her we were not open. I helped her, with her walker, get back into her car, which was parked right next to a “Closed for remodel” sign. We had an even larger sign by the road. I got back, and my manager asked if I got the lady back to her car okay.
Me: “Yes, I helped the frail old lady who can’t tell that a whole building is closed for remodeling get back inside her sixty-mile-an-hour death machine made of metal and gasoline.”
My father is getting old, and quite decrepit, and really shouldn’t drive any more. But he can’t really walk at all -he staunchly refuses to do the exercises that his physiotherapist tells him to, so while it could still change, it’s not going to.
I don’t live nearby, my aunt does, and she says we really should contact his doctor to tell them he needs his drivers’ license taken away, but I’ve been hesitant, since without his car he would be pretty much locked inside his flat -I’m nowhere near, my sister doesn’t drive, and my aunt doesn’t have the time to be a full-time chauffeur. I’m next of kin, so the person questioning his right to drive needs to be me.
So, we’re visiting and need a drive somewhere. I’m hesitant, but I don’t have a car there, and we do need to get somewhere quite rural. So I accept my father’s offer to drive us (me and my kid). No one else is allowed to touch his car, so me driving isn’t an option.
My father, making discussion:
Father: “So, what’s that website, with all the funny videos…?”
Me: “I don’t know. Just concentrate on driving for now?”
Father: “Oh, but it’s really funny, let me see…”
He TAKES OUT HIS PHONE, OPENS THE BROWSER, AND STARTS GOOGLING! The car, naturally, swerves all over the highway. Luckily, there’s not much traffic.
Me: “MY CHILD IS ON BOARD! PUT THE F****** PHONE AWAY AND LOOK AT THE ROAD!”
Father: “But it’s really funny, let me see…”
He continues messing around on the phone. I’d grab the wheel, or phone, but a struggle over it would make the situation worse, insofar as it could be.
Me: “YOUR ONLY GRANDCHILD IS IN THIS CAR! PUT THE PHONE AWAY!”
My father pretends not to hear (this is much his habit when someone’s saying something he doesn’t want to hear; his hearing is fine). The car continues swerving until he’s finally found some funny cat video, and resumes “driving”, more or less.
Father: “You like cats! Isn’t this funny?”
Me: “Just… put… that… phone… away!”
…Yeah. I tried to be nice, against my better judgement, because he will not like not leaving his house anymore. But the doctor is now getting that call from next of kin, demanding his license be revoked. One thing is getting old to drive; another is not even trying.
Our family is driving from one Canadian province to another on the way to see extended family. It’s -30°C (-22°F) outside, so we’re all wrapped up warm in the car.
The check engine light comes on, and my dad decides to ignore it until we get to a gas station (it’s cold and dark). We pull up, and my dad gets out, opens the hood, and checks the parts of the engine that are prone to issues when it’s so cold.
He opens the door and gets back in the car, laughing a little.
Mom: “What’s so funny?”
Dad: “I need the flashlight from the glove compartment so I can see better.”
She hands it to him.
Mom: “I still don’t get what was so funny?”
Dad: “I was using the flashlight on my iPhone, but it just told me that it was too cold to function and refused to do anything until it was warmer.”
Mom: “Really?! I’ve never seen that before!”
Dad: “Me neither! So now I have to grab a $5 flashlight because my $850 phone refuses to do the job!”
Okay, now I can see the funny side…