I’m on vacation visiting a friend in Georgia. Before we go out for dinner, my friend needs to have her vision tested to get an updated glasses prescription. Part of the test involves dilating her eyes. As a result, she has to wear a disposable tinted film over her eyes that resembles sunglasses.

I’m driving her since she can’t drive until her eyes recover. She’s not a fan of the sunglasses film and before I can stop her, she does this:

Friend: *Taking the film off* “Why do I have to wear this? It’s so dark, I don’t like it.”

As soon as she takes it off and looks out the windshield, she squeals, slams her hand over her eyes, and curls up in the seat.

Me: “That’s why you have to wear that.”

My friend put the film back on without another word. She kept it on throughout dinner at the restaurant and the drive back to her apartment.

(A mother comes in with two young sons. One is about seven, and the other about four.)

Mother: “I got you both candy. Now, no more fighting in the car.

Me: *to the kids* “Fighting in the car? Uh oh. Do you know what happens to kids who fight in the car?”

Boys: “No. What?”

Me: “They get left at gas stations. And do you know what we do with kids who get left here?”

Boys: *wide-eyed* “What?”

Me: “We put them to work. And we don’t give them the fun jobs; we make them clean the toilet!”

(By now, the mom is just laughing.)

Boys: “We don’t want to stay here!”

Me: “Yeah. We make the really bad kids clean the toilets with their tongues!”

(I look up to the mom.)

Me: “That might buy you 15 minutes of them not fighting!”

Mom: *to her boys* “Guess you’d better behave so you don’t get left somewhere.”

Boys: “We’ll quit fighting!”

Me: “Thank you for calling roadside assistance; how may I help you?”

Elderly Lady: “Yes, I need you to get my car started; it won’t start.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, can you try to describe the problem to me?”

Elderly Lady: “Well my husband used to drive, but now he’s passed, so I have to drive again, and this stupid car won’t start.”

Me: “Alright, can you take the phone and go to the car. Try to start it, so I can listen?”

(The elderly lady starts grumbling as she goes to the garage.)

Elderly Lady: “So, I put the key in, and this happens.”

(The car tries to turn over, but nothing happens. I’m trying to figure out what it could be, and am about to dispatch a tow truck.)

Me: “Ma’am, I need to you turn the key just a little bit, and tell me if any lights come on.”

Elderly Lady: “One with a box and a squiggly line.”

Me: “Okay, I need you to look on the dashboard and find the letters E and F.”

(The elderly lady is very angry now, as we’ve been on the phone a while and she’s running late.)

Elderly Lady: “They are right beside the box with the squiggly part.”

Me: “Perfect, now where is the line pointing to?”

Elderly Lady: “The E. Why, what the h*** does that mean?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry to tell you this, and I can send help, but your car is out of gas. You need to put gas in the car.”

Elderly Lady: “You mean to tell me that I spent $50,000 on this car, and I still have to put gas in it?!”

(I am looking to buy a house and have hired a real estate agent to help me find what I’m looking for. This happens after we’ve looked at the first house on the list, and are getting ready to leave for the second.)

Agent: “Okay, next on the list is [address].”

Me: “Let me just get that in my GPS real quick.”

Agent: “You don’t need your GPS. You can just follow behind me.”

Me: “My following skills are questionable.”

Agent: “Not a problem! My driving skills are questionable.”

Me: “…touché.”

(I’m female and work at a smaller car rental business. I’ve had my fair share of bizarre customers, but this one takes the cake.)

Caller: “Hello! I would like to rent a car!”

Me: “Of course! We have many different cars. Got any idea of what size you need?”

Caller: “No, just the smallest and cheapest car you have, for one day only.”

Me: “Okay, then. The price is [price]. Remember to bring a credit card and a driver’s license when you come to pick it up.”

Caller: “My own?”

Me: “Um yes. Your own credit card and driver’s license.”

Caller: “But I don’t have a license!”

Me: “Well, if you lost it, you can swing by the nearest police station. They can print out a valid replacement.”

Caller: “But I don’t have one!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t help you then. You need a license to drive a car in Norway.”

Caller: “IT’S JUST A RENTAL CAR!”

Me: “Yes, but it’s still a car, and you drive it on roads. Therefore, you need training and a license.”

Caller: “Are you making fun of me?! Are you stupid?! I want to talk to a man!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but there are no men working here. There are just two girls here at work.”

Caller: “This is an outrage! I know the law and a rental car is not a real car! It’s like a bumper car! You know, like the ones in a theme park! You don’t need a license for that!”

Me: “Um, what?!”

Caller: “Yeah! I bet you didn’t know that! It’s okay, you’re a girl. I don’t expect girls to know things like that. I just need a car I can have some fun with. You know, drive around in circles and such.”

Me: “I’m really sorry, sir. But may I suggest [Theme Park]? They have bumper cars. You can even crash them into things.”

Caller: “Seriously?”

Me: “Yup. It’s way cheaper than renting a car.”

Caller: “Thank you! I just love driving in circles!” *hangs up*