Easter With The Mansons

, , , , , , | Related | July 20, 2019

(My four-year-old nephew has had some speech delay issues, part of this involving putting pauses in strange places in his sentences. On Easter at my in-laws, he comes up to me, very excited.)

Nephew: “Auntie [My Name], I know what I want to be when I grow up!”

Me: “Cool! What do you want to be?”

Nephew: “I want to cut people open–” *pauses for a good ten seconds* “–so I can help them!”

(Turns out he just didn’t know the word “surgeon” and had come up with a fairly accurate description to replace that word. And while I was ultimately relieved that he wanted to help people and knew about his delay, I have to admit I was internally asking myself if I was going to be interviewed in the future about if I knew my nephew was a serial killer of some sort.)

1 Thumbs
345

The Chicken Is Done, And So Am I

, , , , , | Right | July 15, 2019

(My husband and I go to the supermarket deli to pick up dinner, and we get in line behind a lady picking out fried chicken pieces.)

Customer: “Are you sure that’s done?”

Deli Worker: “Yes, I’m sure.”

Customer: “It looks too light to be done. The outside should be darker.”

Deli Worker: “It’s done. It just came out of the oven.”

Customer: “Can you take out a piece to show me?” *to me* “Sorry this is taking so long.”

Me: *forces a polite smile*

Deli Worker: “Okay…” *takes a drumstick out of the hot case with tongs and holds it up*

Customer: “Let me see the inside.”

(The deli worker pulls apart the very HOT drumstick, wincing away from the heat several times in the process. The chicken is clearly white and cooked all the way through.)

Customer: “Let me see it.”

(The deli worker gives it to her. She proceeds to pick it apart and eat it.)

Customer: “I still don’t think it looks done, but I’ll take a dinner box.”

Deli Worker: *after the customer leaves* “Sorry for the wait. What can I get for you?”

Husband: “No worries. It wasn’t your fault.”

Me: *joking* “If I say the chicken doesn’t look cooked, can I get a free drumstick, too?”

Deli Worker: “I can give you a free sample, if you want.”

Me: “No, thanks.”

(We place our order.)

Deli Worker: “Have a nice day.”

Husband: “You, too. Hope the rest of the customers aren’t that difficult.”

Deli Worker: “Yeah… me, too.”

Me: “I think she used up the day’s quota of crazy.”

(After we check out, we hear our cashier ask another:)

Cashier: “What do I do with this box of chicken? The lady said it didn’t look done.”

Me: “Seriously?!”

1 Thumbs
450

What’s Confusing Is Your Inability To Order

, , , , , | Right | February 26, 2019

(My wife and I are in a fast food restaurant getting something to eat before she goes to bingo. We have ordered and are just waiting for our food while the woman behind is being served.)

Woman: “That burger—“ *points to board* “—does it come with those things?

Server: “No, they’re a side extra. They normally come with fries.”

Woman: “Well, that’s a bit misleading. Because to me, that makes it look like they’re included. And I don’t want those things.”

Server: “As I said, they are an optional side order.”

Woman: “But if you look at it, it is confusing.”

(This goes on for another few minutes until I can hold my tongue no more.)

Me: “Oh, for God’s sake, just shut up and order! We get it; you find it confusing! But you’re not the only one waiting to be served, so s*** or get off the pot!”

(The woman goes red-faced and mumbles her order before moving to the side, and the server mouths, “Thank you.”)

Me: “That’s okay. I’m not a people person, so after four years of working in a coffee shop, being forced to be nice, it feels good to let the frustration out.”

(Our food arrives and the server hands me an ice cream.)

Server: “It’s warm outside, and you deserve it.”

1 Thumbs
579

They Do Say Visa Is Accepted Anywhere

, , , , , , , | Working | July 13, 2018

(My wife and I are out for a meal, as it’s my birthday. We have got the bill and are just paying.)

Wife: *holding bank card* “Where would you like it?”

Waitress: “Up the bum, as standard.”

(My wife and I look at each other before bursting into fits of laughter as the waitress realises what she has said.)

Waitress: “Into the bottom of the machine! That came out wrong; I’m so sorry.”

Wife: “That’s okay; we’re always twisting comments like that.”

(As we left I gave a generous tip, and thanked the still embarrassed waitress for the laugh.)

1 Thumbs
541

Dirty Money

, , , , , , | Romantic | June 27, 2018

(I’m saying goodnight to my wife as I have to be up early for work. We are standing there hugging and I go for a cheeky feel of her backside. As I do, a 2p coin drops to the floor.)

Me: “Did you just poop out a 2p?”

Wife: “It must have got stuck to my bum.” *she’s not wearing pyjama bottoms*

Me: “Sure! Come on. If you can just do that with a few hundred rolls of £50 notes, I can give up work! You can be my golden goose.”

Wife: “I’ll goose you in a minute! I’m not pooping money for anyone.”

1 Thumbs
274