They Do Say Visa Is Accepted Anywhere

, , , , , , , | Working | July 13, 2018

(My wife and I are out for a meal, as it’s my birthday. We have got the bill and are just paying.)

Wife: *holding bank card* “Where would you like it?”

Waitress: “Up the bum, as standard.”

(My wife and I look at each other before bursting into fits of laughter as the waitress realises what she has said.)

Waitress: “Into the bottom of the machine! That came out wrong; I’m so sorry.”

Wife: “That’s okay; we’re always twisting comments like that.”

(As we left I gave a generous tip, and thanked the still embarrassed waitress for the laugh.)

Dirty Money

, , , , , , | Romantic | June 27, 2018

(I’m saying goodnight to my wife as I have to be up early for work. We are standing there hugging and I go for a cheeky feel of her backside. As I do, a 2p coin drops to the floor.)

Me: “Did you just poop out a 2p?”

Wife: “It must have got stuck to my bum.” *she’s not wearing pyjama bottoms*

Me: “Sure! Come on. If you can just do that with a few hundred rolls of £50 notes, I can give up work! You can be my golden goose.”

Wife: “I’ll goose you in a minute! I’m not pooping money for anyone.”

Just Don’t Mention The War

, , , , , | Right | December 7, 2017

(It’s Christmas time and it’s super busy. I’m working in the jewelry department, helping an older woman pick out a pendant.)

Customer: “Oh, well, these look nice.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, they’re actually on sale, too. Let me grab some other pieces you might like.”

(I turn to see a man jogging towards the entrance of the store. A second later, our loss prevention man comes running by, jumps, and flies through the air, tackling the jogging man to the ground.)

Customer: “I think those two men are fighting, sir.”

Me: “Just checking the walls, ma’am.” *trying to act nonchalant to avoid causing a scene*

Customer: “Oh, you watch Fawlty Towers?”

(The woman completely forgot about the wrestling match one aisle over and I managed to make a delightful commission. Thanks, John Cleese.)