What’s Confusing Is Your Inability To Order

, , , , , | Right | February 26, 2019

(My wife and I are in a fast food restaurant getting something to eat before she goes to bingo. We have ordered and are just waiting for our food while the woman behind is being served.)

Woman: “That burger—“ *points to board* “—does it come with those things?

Server: “No, they’re a side extra. They normally come with fries.”

Woman: “Well, that’s a bit misleading. Because to me, that makes it look like they’re included. And I don’t want those things.”

Server: “As I said, they are an optional side order.”

Woman: “But if you look at it, it is confusing.”

(This goes on for another few minutes until I can hold my tongue no more.)

Me: “Oh, for God’s sake, just shut up and order! We get it; you find it confusing! But you’re not the only one waiting to be served, so s*** or get off the pot!”

(The woman goes red-faced and mumbles her order before moving to the side, and the server mouths, “Thank you.”)

Me: “That’s okay. I’m not a people person, so after four years of working in a coffee shop, being forced to be nice, it feels good to let the frustration out.”

(Our food arrives and the server hands me an ice cream.)

Server: “It’s warm outside, and you deserve it.”

They Do Say Visa Is Accepted Anywhere

, , , , , , , | Working | July 13, 2018

(My wife and I are out for a meal, as it’s my birthday. We have got the bill and are just paying.)

Wife: *holding bank card* “Where would you like it?”

Waitress: “Up the bum, as standard.”

(My wife and I look at each other before bursting into fits of laughter as the waitress realises what she has said.)

Waitress: “Into the bottom of the machine! That came out wrong; I’m so sorry.”

Wife: “That’s okay; we’re always twisting comments like that.”

(As we left I gave a generous tip, and thanked the still embarrassed waitress for the laugh.)

Dirty Money

, , , , , , | Romantic | June 27, 2018

(I’m saying goodnight to my wife as I have to be up early for work. We are standing there hugging and I go for a cheeky feel of her backside. As I do, a 2p coin drops to the floor.)

Me: “Did you just poop out a 2p?”

Wife: “It must have got stuck to my bum.” *she’s not wearing pyjama bottoms*

Me: “Sure! Come on. If you can just do that with a few hundred rolls of £50 notes, I can give up work! You can be my golden goose.”

Wife: “I’ll goose you in a minute! I’m not pooping money for anyone.”

Just Don’t Mention The War

, , , , , | Right | December 7, 2017

(It’s Christmas time and it’s super busy. I’m working in the jewelry department, helping an older woman pick out a pendant.)

Customer: “Oh, well, these look nice.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, they’re actually on sale, too. Let me grab some other pieces you might like.”

(I turn to see a man jogging towards the entrance of the store. A second later, our loss prevention man comes running by, jumps, and flies through the air, tackling the jogging man to the ground.)

Customer: “I think those two men are fighting, sir.”

Me: “Just checking the walls, ma’am.” *trying to act nonchalant to avoid causing a scene*

Customer: “Oh, you watch Fawlty Towers?”

(The woman completely forgot about the wrestling match one aisle over and I managed to make a delightful commission. Thanks, John Cleese.)