(My roommate is sitting on his bed, staring at the wall and looking glum.)

Me: “Everything okay?”

Roommate: “Well, I’m emotionally conflicted. I went to dinner with my study group, and [the girl he has a secret crush on] said she thinks my hair’s cute. So I’m full of rainbows and stuff now.”

Me: “Then why don’t you look like it?”

Roommate: “I just realized I only tipped my waiter 15% instead of 20% since our group was so big, and now I feel like s***.”

Me: “S***ty rainbows, huh?”

Roommate: “It’s a very odd feeling, believe me.”

(My best friend is staying with me overnight in my college dorm room. This conversation occurs through the rather-thin bathroom door after a long day of volunteering at the local art fair.)

Me: “Eep!”

Friend: “What is it?”

Me: “Huge pimple on my backside.”

Friend: “How huge?”

Me: “Call the bomb squad huge.”

Friend: *knocks on the door* “I got the bomb squad for you!”

Me: *opens door slightly to see what she is talking about*

Friend: *hands me her specialized body scrub* “Best team in the business, ma’am. The field will be clear in no time!”

(My roommate comes in while I’m on my computer.)

Roommate: “Hey, what are you looking at?”

Me: “I’m going through this genealogy website my dad posted up. It has all of our extended family, going back several generations, and even has photos of relatives.”

Roommate: “Cool. Can I check out some of the girls in your family?” *points to one name* “How about this Sequoyah chick over here?”

Me: “Um… Sequoyah is my uncle.”

(I am quizzing a friend for her exam. She wants to sleep.)

Me: “[Friend], are you lying down?”

Friend: “No. I’m standing up.”

(There is a pause.)

Friend: “Horizontally.”

(My parents are helping me move into a dorm. Note that I’ve always had difficulty making friends due to a combination of shyness and a short temper.)

Mother: “Okay, [My Name]… remember to wash your hair, shave regularly, and put deodorant on every morning, or people won’t want to be friends with you.”

Me: “There are plenty of reasons people don’t want to be friends with me, but I don’t think my hygiene is one of them.”