(The fire department has just finished an annual fire drill in our house when I hear one of my sisters walking down the hall, continuing a conversation that I’d otherwise missed with someone else.)

Her: “I’m glad I’m not the only one who had to angrily walk out of my room in the middle of purchases. I’m online shopping; how dare you?!”

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(My friends are playing ‘Borderlands 2’ together, I’m playing a character with the ability where if I shoot my teammates I can heal them, which leads to this conversation:)

Friend #1: “Well, we managed to survive that.”

Friend #2: “Ugh, I’ve got like three health, though.”

Me: *as I’m aiming my gun at her* “Wanna take it up the butt?”

Friend #2: *crouches* “Yes, please.”

(My boyfriend and I are relaxing in his dorm room talking about random subjects before going to bed, and we get onto the subject of each other.)

Boyfriend: “You’re such a cutie pie!”

Me: “Well you’re a perfect pie!”

Boyfriend: “A perfect pie?”

Me: “You’re like one slice of every good pie put together into one giant perfect pie! Apple, banana cream, French silk, Hershey’s, pumpkin, all of them into one pie!”

(My college officially has a dry campus, though some students choose to ignore that rule and bring alcohol into the dorms. Our RA is a mild-mannered guy who seems blind to the many indiscretions of the floor. The entire year, he only calls us together for a single floor meeting, the entirety of which is transcribed below:)

RA: “Guys, I know that even though you’re all underage, some of you drink. I wish you wouldn’t, but realistically, I know I can’t stop you. I know that even though alcohol isn’t allowed on campus, some of you drink on campus. I wish you wouldn’t, but realistically, I know I can’t stop you. I know that even though this is an underclassman dorm, some of you are drinking in your rooms. I wish you wouldn’t, but realistically, I know I can’t stop you. Since you’re going to break the rules no matter what I do, I’m not going to try to prevent you from drinking in your rooms. I just have one request: for the f****** love of God, would you stop leaving your empties in the dorm kitchen recycling bins?!”

This story is part of our Recycling roundup!

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(I have just gotten back from a long day of hard manual labor in the Arizona sun. I am sitting in my dorm trying to relax and work off the muscle aches.)

Roommate: “Man, it’s really quiet today. Hope it stays that way.”

Me: “Yeah, I think it will, thank goodness. I’m so tired. I’m gonna take a nap.”

Roommate: “Now’s a good time. It’s never this calm in here.”

Me: “Yep. It’s not like the fire alarm’s going to go off or anything. Imagine if that happened.” *we both laugh* “I’d be SO pissed.”

(As if on cue, our horrible old screeching fire alarm goes off, making us both jump.)

Me: “Noooooo! Seriously?! Why?”

Roommate: “D*** it, [My Name]. Usually I tell people to use their imagination, but never, ever use your imagination around me!”