Self-Fulfilling Jealousy

, | Friendly | March 10, 2014

(I’m sharing a dorm room with a friend from high school who has always been a bit of a drama queen. Most recently, she’s decided that I hate her boyfriend. This is despite my repeated assurances that I actually think her boyfriend is a pretty cool guy. The following conversation takes place just after her again mentioning my non-existent hatred of her boyfriend. At this point in my life, I’ve never dated/had a boyfriend, and I’m a little down.)

Roomie: “What’s up?”

Me: “I don’t know. I guess talking about boyfriend stuff has me a little upset.”

Roomie: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, you know how I’ve never had one? Is there just something wrong with me? Something repellent to guys?”

Roomie: *nodding wisely* “So that’s what it is! That’s why you don’t like [Boyfriend]! My mom said it was probably because you were jealous because I always have guys hanging around me.”

Me: *stunned silence*

Roomie: “Don’t worry. I can find someone who will like you.”

(And, indeed, this incident was immediately followed by several weeks of her trying to hook me up with a guy that later got kicked out of school for sexual harassment. Thanks, bud!)

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Clean Talk

, | Romantic | November 25, 2013

(My boyfriend and I are getting intimate in his dorm, and we start talking about ‘dirty talk.’)

Boyfriend: “You know, we could if you want to, but it’s never appealed to me. Why should I call you a prostitute?”

Me: “Yeah! Go mutual respect and love!”

Boyfriend: “I mean, since we’re into all of that, we could have our own form of dirty talk.”

Me: “How so?”

Boyfriend: “You do that, you monogamous housewife!”

Me: “Oh, your hard-working middle class status just drives me crazy. Mmm!”

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His First Kiss Was A Joke

, , , , | Romantic | November 19, 2013

(My girlfriend and I have just kissed for the first time.)

Me: “That was actually my first kiss ever.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, I didn’t know!”

(I tell her a joke.)

Girlfriend: *confused* “Why are you telling me a joke now?”

Me: “Well, people say you always remember your first kiss, and since I am never able to remember jokes, I wonder if I would now remember this one forever!”

(That was over 13 years ago. We’re happily married, and I still remember I told her a joke. Unfortunately, I really can’t remember which joke it was anymore. So much for that plan. The good news is that I fondly remember the kiss though!)

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Playing With The Fiscal Midriff

, | Romantic | November 4, 2013

(Because my boyfriend and I attend different colleges, we only get to see each other for a day or two, every two to three weeks. As such, whenever we do have time together, there is a lot of casual physical contact. We are lying in bed as we talk. My hands are on his chest and my legs are intertwined in his.)

Me: “So, if Congress hadn’t gone back in session, we would have gone over the fiscal cliff, right?”

Boyfriend: “Mhmm.”

(He grabs my hips and slides his fingers under the jean waistline.)

Me: “But wait, what exactly is the fiscal cliff?”

(I end up rolling on top of him and straddling his hips; I’m toying with the hem of his shirt.)

Boyfriend: “It’s pretty much where we pay off all of our debts and suffer the consequences.”

(The general touching and moving continues to increase nonchalantly in this manner.)

Me: “So, it’d be like the shut down, but worse, and a whole lot longer. Once we got out of it, however, would we’d be debt free and squeaky clean?”

Boyfriend: “Yep. It’d be really bad, but we’d still have things like scholarships for instate students, since it’s funded by the lottery.”

Me: “Do you realize that we’re having a pretty comprehensive conversation about economics, and we’re not even really paying attention to the fact that we’re grinding on one another? Is this normal?”

Boyfriend: “How am I supposed to know?”

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Driving H2-Slow

, | Related | November 2, 2013

(My mother calls me long-distance as I am in college. She is upset because her car is making a bright green puddle behind the right front wheel. I keep fairly close tabs on the family cars, even from afar.)

Me: “Take the car to our regular shop and have them take a look at the water pump.”

(My mother takes the car, and sure enough, it’s what the car needs. She calls me again a day or two later…)

Mother: “I picked up the car but I don’t think they did the job right. The water pump warning light was on the whole way home.”

Me: “The… which, now? The ‘water pump warning light?'”

Mother: “Yes, it was on steadily except when I would accelerate or turn a corner or step on the brake, and then it flashed.”

Me: “Uh… okay, and where is this ‘water pump warning light?’ What does it look like?”

Mother: “It’s on the dashboard with the rest of the lights. It’s a little blue water fountain icon.”

Me: “The windshield washer fluid is in the garage on the second shelf…”


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