(This happens around Easter. A man in an Easter Bunny suit comes riding a unicycle into the parking lot and enters the shop.)

Me: “Hey there, Easter Bunny!”

Easter Bunny: “Donuts? Sick! I’ll have three strawberry, three cherry, and three blueberry, glazed, and with frosting and sprinkles!”

Me: *hands him the bag* “Anything else?”

Easter Bunny: “Nah! Donuts! Sick!”

(The Easter Bunny suddenly SLAMMED his head on the counter, which would have been quite painful if not for the headpiece on his costume. An egg rolled out seemingly from nowhere and onto the counter. He walked out without another word, hopped onto his unicycle, and rode off. The egg contained exact change—plus a labeled five-dollar tip!)

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Five boxes, dozen donuts each, right now.”

Me: “Okay, is there any specific–”

(Suddenly, I hear a woman screaming in the background.)

Woman: “Donuts! NOW!”

(The caller gets back on the phone.)

Caller: “Whatever flavors you have. Five dozen donuts, A-S-A-motherf***ing-P!”

Me: “Um, all right, that’ll be [price]. How much change should our deliveryman bring?”

Caller: “I will give your delivery guy all the money I have in the house! Just get him here before my wife sits on me and hits me with the freakin’ remote control!”

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(A man calls to check on a cake he’d ordered, but things just go downhill from there.)

Customer: “I’d like to check on the cake I ordered for graduation.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is [Donut Shop]. We don’t make cakes; we only make donuts.”

Customer: “I ordered the cake two weeks ago and I want to know if it will be ready.”

Me: “I can’t help you with that because we don’t make cakes here. We only make donuts.”

Customer: “Is this [Donut Shop]?”

Me: “Yes, that’s right.”

Customer: “Well, I know that’s where I ordered my cake, and I want to know if it will be ready.”

Me: “I can’t help you with that because you didn’t order a cake here. We don’t make cakes. We only make donuts.”

Customer: “Are you near [Chain Grocery Store]?”

Me: “Yes, there’s one near us.”

Customer: “Then that proves I ordered the cake there because it was right near [Chain Grocery Store].”

Me: “You may have been somewhere near [Chain Grocery Store], but you couldn’t have been here, because we don’t make cakes. We only make donuts. We don’t even have an oven except for a small microwave oven. Everything here is deep-fried, so we have no way to make cakes even if we want to.”

Customer: “Well, where did I order my cake then, if I didn’t order it from you?!”

Me: “I don’t know where you ordered your cake, but I do know that you didn’t order it here, because we don’t make cakes. We only make donuts.”

Customer: “Whatever! You are incompetent! I’m never ordering cakes from you guys ever again!” *click*

Customer: “Can I have a sample of this doughnut?”

Me: “Sorry, no.”

Customer: “But you used to give them out! Why can’t I get one?”

Me: “Yeah, that was a long time ago. Now we only give it to children.”

(The customer squats down a bit.)

Customer: “I’m twelve. Can I have a sample?”

Me: “How can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I’ll take a large coffee and something for my wife… maybe an apple cruller?”

(He pays for his stuff and I see him walk out to a car parked right in front of the store. He gets in, but the car doesn’t move. After about a minute, he storms back into the store.)

Customer: *loudly* “What kind of donut do you recommend for a hatchet-faced old witch?!

Me: “Uh….”

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