Donuts Or Donuts, There Is No Try

, , , , | Right | December 7, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Five boxes, dozen donuts each, right now.”

Me: “Okay, is there any specific–”

(Suddenly, I hear a woman screaming in the background.)

Woman: “Donuts! NOW!”

(The caller gets back on the phone.)

Caller: “Whatever flavors you have. Five dozen donuts, A-S-A-motherf***ing-P!”

Me: “Um, all right, that’ll be [price]. How much change should our deliveryman bring?”

Caller: “I will give your delivery guy all the money I have in the house! Just get him here before my wife sits on me and hits me with the freakin’ remote control!”


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The Cake Is A Lie, Part 2

, , , , | Right | October 10, 2011

(A man calls to check on a cake he’d ordered, but things just go downhill from there.)

Customer: “I’d like to check on the cake I ordered for graduation.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is [Donut Shop]. We don’t make cakes; we only make donuts.”

Customer: “I ordered the cake two weeks ago and I want to know if it will be ready.”

Me: “I can’t help you with that because we don’t make cakes here. We only make donuts.”

Customer: “Is this [Donut Shop]?”

Me: “Yes, that’s right.”

Customer: “Well, I know that’s where I ordered my cake, and I want to know if it will be ready.”

Me: “I can’t help you with that because you didn’t order a cake here. We don’t make cakes. We only make donuts.”

Customer: “Are you near [Chain Grocery Store]?”

Me: “Yes, there’s one near us.”

Customer: “Then that proves I ordered the cake there because it was right near [Chain Grocery Store].”

Me: “You may have been somewhere near [Chain Grocery Store], but you couldn’t have been here, because we don’t make cakes. We only make donuts. We don’t even have an oven except for a small microwave oven. Everything here is deep-fried, so we have no way to make cakes even if we want to.”

Customer: “Well, where did I order my cake then, if I didn’t order it from you?!”

Me: “I don’t know where you ordered your cake, but I do know that you didn’t order it here, because we don’t make cakes. We only make donuts.”

Customer: “Whatever! You are incompetent! I’m never ordering cakes from you guys ever again!” *click*

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A Hole In Your Thinking

, , , | Right | November 27, 2009

Customer: “Can I have a sample of this doughnut?”

Me: “Sorry, no.”

Customer: “But you used to give them out! Why can’t I get one?”

Me: “Yeah, that was a long time ago. Now we only give it to children.”

(The customer squats down a bit.)

Customer: “I’m twelve. Can I have a sample?”

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Something With Sprinkles, I’d Wager…

, , | Right | January 27, 2009

Me: “How can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I’ll take a large coffee and something for my wife… maybe an apple cruller?”

(He pays for his stuff and I see him walk out to a car parked right in front of the store. He gets in, but the car doesn’t move. After about a minute, he storms back into the store.)

Customer: *loudly* “What kind of donut do you recommend for a hatchet-faced old witch?!

Me: “Uh….”


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Comes With Free Broadsword

, , , | Right | February 25, 2008

(I’m working drive-through when the headset beeps.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Donut Shop], what can I get you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’ll have a barbarian cream!”

Me: “…a what?”

Customer: “A barbarian cream!”

Me: “…you mean a Bavarian cream?”

Customer: “Yeah, that!”

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