He’ll Raise The Dead And Validate Your Parking

, | | Right | February 19, 2009

(A woman comes in to my clinic with her 6-year-old daughter and approaches the receptionist.)

Customer: “Hi, I need my daughter’s eyes fixed.”

Employee: “Sorry?”

Customer: “My daughter. She’s blind. I need you to fix it.”

Employee: “Oh, um…is she totally blind? Can’t see a thing? How about light?”

Customer: “No, she’s completely blind.”

Employee: “I’m sorry ma’am, I don’t think we can help you. How long has she been this way?”

Customer: “Oh, all her life. She was born blind.”

Employee: “…why didn’t you look for help earlier?”

Customer: “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILDREN, MISSY!”

(After listening in on the conversation, I decide step in.)

Me: “Is there a problem here?”

Customer: *pulls her daughter’s arm* “Yes. My daughter is blind and you need to fix it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but there’s really nothing we can do. We don’t treat things like that here.”

Customer: “NO! You call yourself an eye doctor! You must be able to fix her, and you WILL!”

Me: “Like I said, I can’t do that.”

Customer: “Well, god**** you all to h***! I’m going somewhere that will actually help us!”

Me: “Ask Jesus, I heard he was good at that.”

Customer: *storms out*

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Customer Of The Week: They’re Crazy

| | Right | November 19, 2008

Customer Of The Week: They're Crazy
Created by our friends at Quitting Time

Original Story

Deranged Decades

, | | Right | November 17, 2008

(I used to work summers for my dad, who is a psychiatrist.)

Me: “Good morning, Dr. ***’s Office, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I need to make an appointment with Dr. ***. Can I speak with him?”

Me: “Sorry, he’s with a patient right now but if you give me your information, I’ll set up an appointment for you. Are you currently a patient of Dr. ***?”

Caller: “Yes, I was a guinea pig of his when he did lithium experiments on me back in the 1940’s.”

Me: “Um… I think you got your dates wrong. Dr. *** wasn’t born at that time.”

Caller: “Oh, then in the 1950’s. It was in the 1950’s and he and the government were running secret experiments on me at that time.”

Me: “I doubt that, he would have just been a young child at that time.”

Caller: “Then it was the 1960’s, d*** it! It was at the [hospital] in Alberta in the 1960’s.”

Me: “Dr. *** has never practiced in Alberta. He wasn’t even living in Canada at that time.”

Caller: “Are you calling me a LIAR?”

Me: “Well, considering that Dr. *** is my dad, I think I’ll take my word over yours.”

Caller: “Well, then we can’t do business. No, we can’t do any business. Goodbye!” *hangs up*

Me: “Wow…”

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Survival Of The Fittest In Action

| | Right | July 8, 2008

Me:¬†”Hello, this is Dr. ***’s office. Can I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, is there an injection I can get for my gout?”

Me:¬†”I don’t think so. I think we only give injections for muscle pain, but I can double-check for you.”

Patient: “Yeah, check.¬†I’m going away this weekend and my ankle really hurts. My primary doctor says it’s not gout. I had these labs done, and they all say it’s not gout, but it really hurts.”

Me: “It’s not gout, but you want to know about a gout injection?”

Patient: “Well, they say it’s not gout, but I was at a bar and a guy looked at it and said, ‘That’s gout, all right!'”

Me: “… a guy at the bar?”

Patient: “Yeah. And he gave me one of his pills and it really helped.”

Me: “You took a pill from some guy in a bar?!”

Patient: “Yeah, it really helped and it was gout medicine, so I think I have gout.¬†So is there an injection?”

Me: “Hold, please.”

(At this point, I go ask my manager if a gout injection exists, which it doesn’t, and explain to her the situation. ¬†She agrees that this is completely stupid, but that if the woman wants gout medication, we can prescribe it.)

Me: “Thanks for holding. Turns out there’s no injection for gout.”

Patient: “Really? My ankle’s killing me.”

Me: “Well, if the medicine you took worked for you, we may be able to write you a prescription for it.”

Patient: “Oh, I already have a prescription.”

Me: “You… already have a prescription that stops your pain? Are you taking it?”

Patient: “No, I thought an injection might be faster.”

Me: *long pause* “Is there anything else you need today?”

Patient: “No, thank you.” *click*

Me: “Oh. My.¬†God.”

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If The Shoe Fits…

| | Right | April 24, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Orthopedic office. How can I help you?”

Caller: “PUT MY DAUGHTER ON THE PHONE!”

Me: “I’m sorry? This is **** Ortho–”

Caller: “No it isn’t! Now put my daughter on the phone right now! She knows she isn’t supposed to have boys over!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I think you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “NO I DON’T.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid–”

Caller: “You better be! I’m on my way home RIGHT NOW and god help you if you’re still there!”

(By this point we have several calls waiting to be answered. My supervisor signals me to transfer the call to them so I can get back to my job.)

Me: “Ma’am, I assure you this is a medical office. Would you like to speak to my supervisor?”

Caller: *dripping with sarcasm* “Oh suuuure! Put me through to your supervisor!”

Supervisor: “Thank you for calling **** Orthopedics, how can I help you?”

Caller: “WHAT?! WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?!”

(It took several minutes for my supervisor to get the woman off the phone, after which she called three more times…)

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