Not A Fan Of Spin Doctors

| Pennsylvania, USA | Uncategorized

(I work the front desk at a doctor’s office, and one of the doctors fancies himself a musician. We give out a free copy of his CD when patients check in.)

Patient: “What is this?”

Me: “Dr. *** is a musician and he recorded an album. We’re giving it as a free gift to our patients.”

Patient: “It’s free?”

Me: “Yes, sir!”

Patient: “But there’s a price on the back. It says $5.99.”

Me: “That’s because it is also sold in a few local music
stores. But we’re giving it free to patients as a thank you gift.”

Patient: “What are you thanking me for?”

Me: “For being a loyal patient?”

Patient: “And all patients get them?”

Me: “Yes. all patients.”

(The patient looks around the room at the other two patients.)

Patient: “They don’t have CDs!”

Me: “They haven’t checked in yet. When they do, I’ll give them a CD.”

(The patient sits down, but comes back up while I’m helping the next patient. I haven’t given her the CD yet.)

Patient, to other patient: “Did you get a free CD?”

Other patient: “Uh…no.”

Patient, to me: “Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but you clearly gave this to me because you have feelings for me, and I’m just not interested. I think it’s really inappropriate for you to come on to me when I’m here to see the doctor, and you’ve made me very uncomfortable. Please cancel my appointment.”

(I should mention that this guy was clearly out of my age and weight range. That, and I work for a proctologist.)

Never Too Sick To Complain

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thanks for calling [clinic]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I got this herbal colon cleanser from you. Does it have pork in it? I don’t eat pork, so I can’t have it if it has pork.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m not sure, but since it is an herbal supplement I would assume it has no pork. If you are really concerned, you can call the number on the bottle and ask them. I’m looking at the bottle and it says 100% vegan.”

Customer: “Well, I can’t call the company. I’m sick! I’m so sick, I can’t use a phone!”

Me: “Well, it says vegan on the bottle, but I can call the company myself if you want.”

Customer: “Well, DO IT! I’m a sick lady, and I don’t do pork!”

(I call the company and find out the supplement has no pork. I call the customer back.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. There are no pork or animal products in this supplement.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t really care! I’m too sick to care! I can’t poop!” *hangs up*

They Call Me Doctor DIY

, , | New Jersey, USA | Uncategorized

(We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

Me: “Clockwise.”

Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise…to the right.”

Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

Doctor: “Okay, I think i got it.”

Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Doctor: “What was that?”

Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

Me: “Great. All finished?”

(The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you doctor.”