Never Too Sick To Complain

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Me: “Thanks for calling [clinic]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I got this herbal colon cleanser from you. Does it have pork in it? I don’t eat pork, so I can’t have it if it has pork.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m not sure, but since it is an herbal supplement I would assume it has no pork. If you are really concerned, you can call the number on the bottle and ask them. I’m looking at the bottle and it says 100% vegan.”

Customer: “Well, I can’t call the company. I’m sick! I’m so sick, I can’t use a phone!”

Me: “Well, it says vegan on the bottle, but I can call the company myself if you want.”

Customer: “Well, DO IT! I’m a sick lady, and I don’t do pork!”

(I call the company and find out the supplement has no pork. I call the customer back.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. There are no pork or animal products in this supplement.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t really care! I’m too sick to care! I can’t poop!” *hangs up*

They Call Me Doctor DIY

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(We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

Me: “Clockwise.”

Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise…to the right.”

Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

Doctor: “Okay, I think i got it.”

Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Doctor: “What was that?”

Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

Me: “Great. All finished?”

(The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you doctor.”

It’s Called Healthyitis

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Me: “Thank you for waiting, my name is Megan. What is your call regarding?”

Patient: “Yeah, I want to ask the nurse a question.”

Me: “Is this regarding symptoms you are experiencing?”

Patient: “Yeah… well, kind of.”

Me: “What symptoms are you experiencing?”

Patient: “Actually, none.”

Me: “… you are experiencing no symptoms?”

Patient: “Yeah… I have no pain and I just want to know if that is normal.”

He’ll Raise The Dead And Validate Your Parking

, | Crazy Requests, Health & Body

(A woman comes in to my clinic with her 6-year-old daughter and approaches the receptionist.)

Customer: “Hi, I need my daughter’s eyes fixed.”

Employee: “Sorry?”

Customer: “My daughter. She’s blind. I need you to fix it.”

Employee: “Oh, um…is she totally blind? Can’t see a thing? How about light?”

Customer: “No, she’s completely blind.”

Employee: “I’m sorry ma’am, I don’t think we can help you. How long has she been this way?”

Customer: “Oh, all her life. She was born blind.”

Employee: “…why didn’t you look for help earlier?”


(After listening in on the conversation, I decide step in.)

Me: “Is there a problem here?”

Customer: *pulls her daughter’s arm* “Yes. My daughter is blind and you need to fix it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but there’s really nothing we can do. We don’t treat things like that here.”

Customer: “NO! You call yourself an eye doctor! You must be able to fix her, and you WILL!”

Me: “Like I said, I can’t do that.”

Customer: “Well, god**** you all to h***! I’m going somewhere that will actually help us!”

Me: “Ask Jesus, I heard he was good at that.”

Customer: *storms out*

Customer Of The Week: They’re Crazy

| Old Comics

Customer Of The Week: They're Crazy
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