Going Native

| Kansas City, KS, USA | Right | July 10, 2012

(We have our patients review their insurance/contact information before their visit roughly once a year. This ensures that everything that we have on file is up-to-date.)

Old Man: *looks over information* “There’s something on here that I want to change.”

Old Man’s Wife: “Honey, our address and phone number have been the same for 20 years. What could you want to change?”

Old Man: “Right here where it says ‘Caucasian,’ it should say ‘Native American.'”

Old Man’s Wife: “Why would it need to say ‘Native American?’ You’re not an Indian, honey. You were born in Kentucky.”

Old Man: “Yeah, I was born in Kentucky. Kentucky is in America. I was born in America. That makes me a NATIVE American!” *shakes head*

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Happy Order-Dependence Day

| Great Neck, NY, USA | Right | July 4, 2012

(A patient wants to reschedule their appointment. Since she’s said she’s unavailable at every time I’ve given her, I suggest she let me know when she’s available.)

Patient: “How about July 4th? I could come in at 1:00.”

Me: “Well, we’re closed for the holiday.”

Patient: “What holiday? There’s no holiday then!

(Before I can answer, she figures it out.)

Patient: “Oh…wait. July 4th must be the 4th of July!”

The Fourth Is Not Strong With This One

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A Name Adjustment

| New England, USA | Romantic | July 3, 2012

(Our local chiropractor office is very small, and often times you can hear things from the adjoining room. While waiting for our adjustments, my husband and I hear the following conversation.)

Doctor: “…and I see that you’re under a lot of stress right now.”

Wife: “How’d you know that?”

Doctor: “Well, you’re obviously fighting with each other.”

Wife: *shouting* “How did you know that!?”

Doctor: “Well, your husband wrote your names on the sign in sheet as ‘[Husband’s Name] and Butthead‘.”

Zombies Need Healthcare Too

| South Bend, IN, USA | Right | December 30, 2010

(I am on the phone.)

Me: “Dermatology, how may I help you?”

Patient: “Hi, I just had an autopsy done. I’d like to know my results.”

Zombies Need High Speed Internet Too

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High Cholesterol, Low IQ

| Traverse City, MI, USA | Right | July 14, 2010

Patient: “We need to schedule a surgery.”

Me: *looking over the patient’s chart* “Surgery? For what, ma’am?”

Patient: “The doctor said I had high cholesterol. And I want him to go in and cut it out. Take it all, I say.”

Me: “He can’t just go in and remove the cholesterol. There are ways that you can lower your cholesterol.”

Patient: “Don’t lie to me. There’s cholesterol free food. I’ve seen it. Someone has to go into the food and take it out, now don’t they? You just don’t want me to use my free health care. You probably voted for McCain!”

Me: “Let me see if I can reach the doctor.”

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