You’re Welcome, Custer Mer

| Jacksonville, FL, USA | Language & Words, Top

(An older gentleman calls our doctor’s office with questions about an upcoming test he is scheduled for. We talk at length about what is going to be done and why it was going to be done.)

Patient: “I’m sorry to have so many questions.”

Me: “Oh, that’s no problem. You can always call and ask for clarification when you need it.”

(I answer several more questions.)

Me: “Okay, Mr. [name]. I hope I have been able to help.”

Patient: “Thank you very much, Clara Fication! You’ve been very helpful.”

Going Native

| Kansas City, KS, USA | History

(We have our patients review their insurance/contact information before their visit roughly once a year. This ensures that everything that we have on file is up-to-date.)

Old Man: *looks over information* “There’s something on here that I want to change.”

Old Man’s Wife: “Honey, our address and phone number have been the same for 20 years. What could you want to change?”

Old Man: “Right here where it says ‘Caucasian,’ it should say ‘Native American.'”

Old Man’s Wife: “Why would it need to say ‘Native American?’ You’re not an Indian, honey. You were born in Kentucky.”

Old Man: “Yeah, I was born in Kentucky. Kentucky is in America. I was born in America. That makes me a NATIVE American!” *shakes head*

Happy Order-Dependence Day

| Great Neck, NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Holidays

(A patient wants to reschedule their appointment. Since she’s said she’s unavailable at every time I’ve given her, I suggest she let me know when she’s available.)

Patient: “How about July 4th? I could come in at 1:00.”

Me: “Well, we’re closed for the holiday.”

Patient: “What holiday? There’s no holiday then!

(Before I can answer, she figures it out.)

Patient: “Oh…wait. July 4th must be the 4th of July!”

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The Fourth Is Not Strong With This One