Happy Order-Dependence Day

| Great Neck, NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Holidays

(A patient wants to reschedule their appointment. Since she’s said she’s unavailable at every time I’ve given her, I suggest she let me know when she’s available.)

Patient: “How about July 4th? I could come in at 1:00.”

Me: “Well, we’re closed for the holiday.”

Patient: “What holiday? There’s no holiday then!

(Before I can answer, she figures it out.)

Patient: “Oh…wait. July 4th must be the 4th of July!”

Related:
The Fourth Is Not Strong With This One

Zombies Need Healthcare Too

| South Bend, IN, USA | Uncategorized, Zombies

(I am on the phone.)

Me: “Dermatology, how may I help you?”

Patient: “Hi, I just had an autopsy done. I’d like to know my results.”

Related:
Zombies Need High Speed Internet Too

High Cholesterol, Low IQ

| Traverse City, MI, USA | Health & Body, Politics, Uncategorized

Patient: “We need to schedule a surgery.”

Me: *looking over the patient’s chart* “Surgery? For what, ma’am?”

Patient: “The doctor said I had high cholesterol. And I want him to go in and cut it out. Take it all, I say.”

Me: “He can’t just go in and remove the cholesterol. There are ways that you can lower your cholesterol.”

Patient: “Don’t lie to me. There’s cholesterol free food. I’ve seen it. Someone has to go into the food and take it out, now don’t they? You just don’t want me to use my free health care. You probably voted for McCain!”

Me: “Let me see if I can reach the doctor.”

Paperwork Doesn’t Take A Huge Leap (Year)

| Long Island, NY, USA | Health & Body, Uncategorized

Me: “Okay, I’m just going to give you some paperwork to fill out.”

Patient: “Paperwork? Again? I fill it out every single time I come here!”

Me: “Well, it looks to me as if the last time you were seen here was over four years ago.”

Patient: “So what? Nothing has changed since then!”

Me: “Alright. So, do you still have [type of medical insurance]?”

Patient: “Oh, no. I uh, switched insurances. Oh, and I moved too.”

Me: “So there have been some changes in the last four years? Then you’ll need to update your paperwork.”

Patient: *snatches papers from my hand* “Well obviously things have changed. It’s been four whole years since I’ve been here, you know!”

Not A Fan Of Spin Doctors

| Pennsylvania, USA | Uncategorized

(I work the front desk at a doctor’s office, and one of the doctors fancies himself a musician. We give out a free copy of his CD when patients check in.)

Patient: “What is this?”

Me: “Dr. *** is a musician and he recorded an album. We’re giving it as a free gift to our patients.”

Patient: “It’s free?”

Me: “Yes, sir!”

Patient: “But there’s a price on the back. It says $5.99.”

Me: “That’s because it is also sold in a few local music
stores. But we’re giving it free to patients as a thank you gift.”

Patient: “What are you thanking me for?”

Me: “For being a loyal patient?”

Patient: “And all patients get them?”

Me: “Yes. all patients.”

(The patient looks around the room at the other two patients.)

Patient: “They don’t have CDs!”

Me: “They haven’t checked in yet. When they do, I’ll give them a CD.”

(The patient sits down, but comes back up while I’m helping the next patient. I haven’t given her the CD yet.)

Patient, to other patient: “Did you get a free CD?”

Other patient: “Uh…no.”

Patient, to me: “Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but you clearly gave this to me because you have feelings for me, and I’m just not interested. I think it’s really inappropriate for you to come on to me when I’m here to see the doctor, and you’ve made me very uncomfortable. Please cancel my appointment.”

(I should mention that this guy was clearly out of my age and weight range. That, and I work for a proctologist.)

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