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Divorced From Reality, Part 6

, , , , | Right | October 2, 2020

Our company sublets apartments. By law, if you are married, you both need to sign, giving both equal rights and equal responsibilities. If only one person signs, it’s not a legal contract and you can’t rent the apartment. I am sitting in the room next to where this conversation takes place between a client and a consultant.

Client: “I want to rent this apartment.”

He hands in the documents.

Consultant: “Thank you. Let me take a look at this.” *Silence* “This document here says you are married.”

Client: “Yes, but my wife and I will be getting a divorce.”

Consultant: “I’m sorry to hear that. But since you are still married, we need both your signatures on the contract.”

Client: “But I don’t want her on the contract.”

Consultant: “I’m sorry, but that is the law. But maybe we can work something out; maybe I can hold the apartment for a few days. When will you file for divorce at the court?”

Client: “I don’t know.”

Consultant: “Oh, is the separation not amicable?”

Client: “No, she doesn’t know yet.”

He did not get the apartment.

Divorced From Reality, Part 5
Divorced From Reality, Part 4
Divorced From Reality, Part 3
Divorced From Reality, Part 2
Divorced From Reality

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Divorced From Reality, Part 5

, , , , | Right | August 25, 2020

I’m a work-from-home photographer. One day, I get an email via my website.

Client: “Hi, I’m looking for a wedding photographer.”

We discuss her needs and wants for the day.

Client: “I want a full refund if we get divorced because I won’t need the photos then!”

Me: *Pause* “Good luck with your search for a photographer who agrees with those terms.” 

Divorced From Reality, Part 4
Divorced From Reality, Part 3
Divorced From Reality, Part 2
Divorced From Reality

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That’s One Way To Do It…

, , , , , , | Related | August 15, 2020

When one of my cousins got married, she and her husband had a “Generations Dance” at their reception: the dance started with all the married couples on the dance floor, and then anyone married less than an hour — that is, the newlyweds — is told to leave, then anyone less than a year, five years, ten years, and so on, until one couple is left, usually the bride’s or groom’s grandparents.

My grandfather had been married three times, having outlived one wife and gone through a divorce with another before marrying the woman he’d been with — at the time of the wedding — almost thirty years. When the generations dance was announced, he joked to me, “If they count up all of my marriages, I might win!”

My cousin’s other grandparents won, though.

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Sounds Like Dad Is The Thing That Needs The Most Fixing

, , , , , , , | Related | July 17, 2020

I am living with my parents. My father has a strict philosophy stating that if something isn’t broken, don’t fix it, no matter how bad its condition, and he always complains when my mother tries to buy new things to replace the barely-working existing ones, much to her irritation. Here are just a few examples of the headaches we’ve put up with.

Example 1:

Our kitchen faucet develops a leak around the base of the spigot, which gets worse and worse over time. My mom buys a new faucet to replace it, but by the time she comes home, my dad has already “fixed” the spigot… by duct-taping it. Because we could no longer turn the spigot due to my dad’s “fix,” we had to use the sprayer to fill the dish tub from then on.

Example 2:

One of our toilets develops a leak. As it turns out, the fill valve has a faulty gasket. My dad isn’t aware of this, so my mom buys a new fill valve and has her older brother, a plumber, install it while my dad is at work. My dad comes home while my uncle is installing the new valve and begins berating my mom for changing it out. He then rips the new valve out and installs the old valve. The leak worsens, but my dad just puts down a bucket and tells us to deal with it.

Example 3:

The same leaky toilet now develops a crack near the base. My mom decides that the toilet has to be replaced and has my uncle come over again to install a new one. My uncle has just removed the old toilet when all of a sudden, we hear a loud smashing sound. My dad has come home from work early again and has just smashed the brand-new, $3600 luxury toilet my uncle bought for my mom. My enraged uncle begins chewing my dad out, but my dad simply screams back at him and my mom and gives them a “lecture” about not fixing what isn’t broken. My uncle then storms off as my dad starts reinstalling the old toilet, causing the crack on the base to worsen as he does.

That last incident ended up being the final straw for my mom, who filed for divorce a week later. She won full custody of me and we moved out of town. My uncle also sued my dad for the destruction of the new toilet and won about $10,000 in damages.

For about six years after the divorce, I did not visit or hear from my father again, until recently when I got a call from my grandfather — the only person to stay in touch with him. According to my grandpa, my dad was moving in with him; the township had seized and condemned my dad’s house after they found that the property was in terrible shape. The faucet and toilet had never been replaced since the divorce and were leaking more than ever before, causing significant water damage to the walls and floor. There was also additional damage from a leak in the roof above the kitchen and several leaky window frames throughout the house, many of which just had trash bags duct-taped over them.

Most importantly, however, there was a large patch of black mold behind the shower in the bathroom, which had apparently been there since just before my mom and I moved out; luckily, we never showed any symptoms of it. The property was demolished by the township three months after my dad was forced to leave it. Incredibly, he still insists to this day that the property was perfectly fine and should never have been torn down.

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Stepping Right Into Ex-Step-Dad Territory

, , , , , , | Related | May 4, 2020

I turned on Hulu and it needed the password, so I typed it in. It said my password was incorrect, so I tried it again. It was still incorrect, so I asked my mom, who pays for the service and shares it between two houses, if the password was changed. She said no. She asked my stepdad, who is an expert at this stuff, why the password wouldn’t work. He scoffed and said, “I changed it. She can pay for her own.” 

I was stunned, because he’d never done anything like this before. My mom got angry and started yelling at him, saying he had no right and she’s the one who pays for the service, etcetera. 

My stepdad finally said he’d been looking for a reason to throw me out of the house, and he thought this would do it. He was the one who wound up getting thrown out of the house. Due to this and several other recent incidents, my mom is now filing for divorce.

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