Stopped By Your Question

, | Learning | August 8, 2016

(I work at a dining hall on a college campus. We close for an hour so everyone can have a union mandated half-hour break, and so we can clean up and set up dinner. Sometimes students think the rules don’t apply to them. I’m a fairly big guy but actually a giant teddy bear, and my coworkers that work at the cash register are older ladies. A student tries walking right by my older coworker fifteen minutes after we closed.)

Older Coworker: “Excuse me, honey, we’re closed. We open back up in 45 minutes. You can come back then.”

Student: “Come on; I’m hungry. Just let me in.”

Older Coworker: “I’m sorry, honey, but all the lunch food is put away. There’s nothing out to give you and everyone is on their break.”

Student: “Who’s going to stop me if I just walk in?”

Older Coworker: *turns around and points at me and says* “That guy right there will stop you.”

(Having watched her point at me, I smiled and waved at them both. The student looked at me, his face fell, and he did an about face and left. My coworker came over and started cracking up and explained.)

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Getting Colder

, | Friendly | January 22, 2016

(Somehow, the conversation at dinner has turned to cold sores.)

Friend #1: “Cold sores are awful! If you’ve never had a cold sore, don’t kiss someone who has.”

Friend #2: “But what if you really, really like someone who’s had one?”

Friend #1: “F*** them.” *pause* “Wait, no, I’m wrong. Don’t do that.”

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Double Double Tired

| Working | December 2, 2015

(I have just worked a double shift for two days in row. I am very sleepy. I am flipping the silverware over, while my supervisor is putting away cups. Than without even thinking I take one of the cups and pour it on the floor.)

Supervisor: “What did you do that for?”

Me: “I have no idea; I think I need to go to bed.”

Supervisor: “It looks like you do.”

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Gut-Busting Humor

| Friendly | August 19, 2015

(Five of us are eating dinner in the dining hall, having various conversations at once. Friend #1 is a biology major, and I overhear her conversation mid-sentence.)

Friend #1: “…and I’ll clean my intestines.”

Me: “Well, I hope your intestines are clean!”

Friend #1: “Don’t worry, they’re fine.”

Friend #2: “I hate cleaning my intestines.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s a whole-day ordeal.”

Friend #1: “And so messy!”

Me: “Especially the large one.”

Friend #2: “And I hate shopping for soap.”

Me: “You need to find an extra-gentle brand.”

Friend #1: “So hard to find one that doesn’t cause an allergic reaction.”

Friend #2: “And then they have a men’s section and a women’s section, and they’re the same soap but the women’s is pink so it’s five dollars more…”

Friend #1: “I just use the men’s soap. No one will know.”

Me: “If they can tell, then they’re too close!”

Friend #2: “Yeah, it’s kind of a private thing. Like you can be married and not let your husband see until you’ve been together for ten years.”

Me: “I’ve been married for thirty and he hasn’t seen me clean my intestines.”

Friend #2: “That’s understandable. It’s very personal.”

Me: “I can’t wait to have a child so I can teach her how to clean her intestines. We’ll use lamb intestines for practice.”

Friend #2: “Yeah, start them off early so they’re used to how intestines look.”

Friend #1: “And smell.”

Me: “…I’m going to go put this on NotAlwaysFriendly.”

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Friends For Life Of Pi

, | Friendly | July 11, 2014

(Some of my friends want to introduce me to someone they think I will get along with. We are sitting at a table in the dining hall talking and the mathematical constant pi comes up.)

Girl #1: “What is pi anyway?”

Me & Girl #2: *simultaneously* “Pi is 3.1415926535897932384626433832795…”

(About half way through reciting it we both locked eyes and realized we were going to be good friends.)

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