I’ll Have The Most Expensive Nothing On The Menu

| Working | January 29, 2015

(My dad and I are driving through Maryland and stop at a 24 hours diner around 10 pm.)

Waitress: *handing us menus* “So, what can I get you?”

Dad: “Oh, I don’t know. What’s good here?”

Waitress: “Nothing, really.”

Dad: “So, I guess we should go eat somewhere else, huh?”

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Making A Birds And The Bee-Line For The Punch-Line

, | Related | January 3, 2014

(We are in a 24-hour diner late at night after driving all day, My dad decides it’s a good time to give my younger sister some advice about the birds and the bees, since she’s at that age.”

Dad: “And don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you’re not ready for! Remember: at the end of the day, you just have to love and respect yourself and no one can hurt you!”

Sister: *quite embarrassed* “Okay, dad.”

Dad: *seeing me not paying attention* “[My Name], do you love yourself?”

Me: “Frequently.”

(Cue laughter from nearby tables.)

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Under New Mismanagement

| Working | November 26, 2013

(A local diner has been in business for almost 30 years, but has had a succession of owners and name changes every five or so years. It’s a running joke that it alternates; one owner/group is fabulous, the next one is awful, etc. I have friends in from out of town and, as it’s in a ‘good period,’ take them over. We have been sitting nearly twenty minutes waiting for the waitress to take more than our drink order.)

Me: “Does the steak-burger in the specials come with soup AND a salad, or only one of them?”

Waitress: “Yes.”

Me: “Which one?”

Waitress: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I wanted to know A or B and you said ‘yes.'”

Waitress: “Right. It comes with whatever.”

Me: “I’ll just have the chicken noodle soup with it. Thanks.”

(This procedure repeats for both of my friends. Two of us order soup, and one orders a Caesar salad. When it arrives, another fifteen minutes later, not only do we each have a soup we didn’t order, but the Caesar salad is a pile of iceberg lettuce with no dressing and just a couple of croutons.)

Me: “Can we speak to the manager, please!?”

(ANOTHER ten minutes later, the manager finally arrives. I’ve never seen him before.)

Manager: “Is there a problem here?”

Me: “Yeah. We’ve been here for almost forty-five minutes now. We’ve only gotten our sodas, soup, and salad. Not only were we given the three-bean soup, which NEITHER of us ordered, but that isn’t a Caesar salad.

Manager: “Well, that’s how we make a Caesar, and that is the only soup we have left.”

Friend #1: “What? Dude it’s not even 9:30 yet and you’re ‘out of soup’?”

Manager: “Yep.”

Friend #2: “And, you know, Caesar salad is supposed to be made with Romaine lettuce, with Caesar dressing? It’s in the name!”

Manager: “Like I said, that’s how we do it.”

Me: “Yeah. Do you know if the owners ever come in, or if there’s a way I can contact them?”

Manager: *smiling proudly* “Actually, as of last week I’m the new owner here!”

(I slap my hands on the table and yell out.)


(All three of us got up to leave. The owner then tried to insist that we pay not only for the soups and salad we didn’t eat, but for the main courses that were ‘almost ready’… AND ALSO WEREN’T THE RIGHT THINGS!)

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Estúpido And Estúpider

| Working | November 1, 2013

Customer: “Can I have a turkey sandwich with cheddar?”

Waiter: “You want fries with that?”

Customer: “Yeah. Wait, no. Can I get a salad?”

Waiter: “Sorry, all out of salad. You want soup?”

Customer: “Yeah. No, I’ll have the fries.”

(The waiter calls the order in to the kitchen.)

Waiter: “…and just so you know, he’s… uh…”

(The waiter pauses, realizing the customer is less than twenty feet away and can hear him.)

Waiter: “…a little estúpido.”

Cook: *to the waiter* “Hey, dumb-**s, how do you say ‘cognate’ in Spanish?”

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The Ten Doctors Versus The Ten Commandments, Part 2

| Right | October 31, 2013

(I am queuing for my meal at a diner. I am a huge ‘Doctor Who’ fan. I am looking at an annual from the old series (1963 – 1989) when the customer behind me in the queue looks over at me.)

Customer: “Hey! Why are you reading that bulls***?”

Me: “It’s not bulls***.”

Customer: “It is! That thing’s evil! It lies about how the universe was made! It says the universe has more than humans!”

Me: *annoyed* “Look, if you want to be b****y, then push off.”

(I see the customer leave, and I get my meal, thinking nothing more about it. Then the customer gets the seating next to me. I’m about to get away when she comes near, but she gestures to stop.)

Customer: “Listen, I’m sorry I was like that. It’s just that I’ve had a bad history with the show.”

Me: “What happened?”

Customer: “How old are you?”

Me: “20.”

Customer: “When I was a few years younger than you, I watched that show like anything. I absolutely loved it. But my parents are members of [really religious group], and said it was against our belief. I kept telling them I didn’t care what they said; I liked the show and I know this sounds silly, but I loved The Doctor. He actually did look good then. But my mom threw the television out the window and shouted at me. So I get memories whenever I see it.”

Me: “I am SO sorry! Listen, I’m really sorry I did that. If you want, I can give you the annual. You’ve missed out a LOT.”

Customer: “I don’t know about anything that happened in the last 30 years on the show. My parents even told me I was being a stupid lovesick girl. Well, they’re in the old people home now, so I don’t care.”

(I proceed to tell her most of what I know, and give her an address for a shop of old show memorabilia. I’m just happy someone can overcome their problems.)


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