There used to be a locally-owned late-night diner in my college town. The servers were great, and the cook was the right behind-the-counter type deal.

I was there at almost 3 AM after a long night with friends. It’s likely the server was the only sober person in the building. The place was set up so there was a line of booths and the counter, that’s it. 

There were a couple of guys being annoying near the end of the bar, saying horrible things about the women who had rejected them that night. They got up and started to head towards the door and the server, who was as far from the door as it was possible for her to be, yells:

Server: “DINE AND DASH!”

Two big guys in the last booth jump it to block the door. Every single person (and the place was full) stands up ready to f****** go. The people waiting outside for seats move to help block the door.

I have never seen anyone realize they made a mistake so quickly in my life. 

The guys blocking the door refused to move until they thought the wannabe thieves had tipped enough and they made them pay cash because they didn’t want the card to get canceled.

Thirty years later and I still remember the looks on those idiot’s faces so clearly as they sheepishly slunk out after paying…

Customer: “Are there actual bananas in your banana bread? I hate bananas.”

Me: “Yes, our banana bread has bananas in it. It’s very strong, so I’d skip it if you hate bananas. You should go for something like the coffee cake; that would go nice with your iced cinnamon dolce latte that you ordered.”

She buys the banana bread anyway and goes to stand for her drink. She takes a bite, spits it out onto my counter where other people’s drinks are, and says:

Customer: “This is so gross! It tastes like Bananas! I’ll take the coffee cake instead.”

Related:
Banana Drama, Part 5
Banana Drama, Part 4
Banana Drama, Part 3
Banana Drama, Part 2
Banana Drama

I work in a small diner where it’s common for the waitstaff to also make the sweet tea.

Customer: “Is your sweet tea any good?”

Me: “I’m a white boy from the Northeast and I made it, so how lucky are we feeling?”

They liked the tea!

We have a policy in the bakery that police, firefighters, EMTs, etc. get their first item free. So if a cop comes in for a slice of pie and a drip coffee, we’ll charge him a buck for the coffee and get the pie for free, or if a paramedic comes in and wants half a dozen donuts, we’ll only charge him for five, whatever.

You have to have proof. Most people take advantage when they’re on the clock/just got off, so we don’t even bother asking them because uniforms, but everyone has some sort of ID that they can flash when they’re not, so it’s a non-issue. 

One day we have a cop come through, full uniform, and we give him a slice of cake and a latte. He’s one of our regulars, so I talk to him for a bit, he asks after my business partner, I ask about what his shifts have been like, the usual.

He goes to sit down, and this couple asks:

Customers: “How come he got only got charged $3?”

I tell them our policy.

Customers: “Oh, well I’m a cop and he is a detective in [Small City In Our State].”

Me: “That’s cool, but we only have the policy open to people who work in our city and the surrounding areas.”

Customers: “Oh my God! That’s so unfair! We put our lives on the line just the same as any other cop! Where’s your manager?”

Me: “I am the owner.”

Customers: “No way you’re the owner! You’re lying!”

As this has got loud, my cop buddy stands up and comes over to speak to this couple.

Officer: “Can I see your badges?”

They both sputter about it for a minute or two, making excuses.

Officer: *Firmly.* “Can I see your badges?”

Customers: “We… left them at home.”

Officer: “Can I see any ID proving that you are who you say you are?”

Customers: “You don’t have the right to ask us that?!”

Officer: *Looks at me.* “They’re lying about who they say they are; don’t serve them.”

Customers: “Fine, we’ll pay regular price. Stupid discount anyway!”

Officer: “Not as stupid as lying about being a police officer in front of a police officer.”

They suddenly go pale and leave. The officer takes a photo of them and their car on his phone.

Me: “Isn’t what they did a felony?”

Officer: “Yup.”

Me: “Aren’t you going to arrest them?”

Officer: “And delay my cake?!”

My officer buddy did call those customers in on his radio as he sat down for cake, and informed me that they would be dealt with.

I work in a cheap and quick diner. A customer orders a bowl of soup to go. We are very busy, and currently out of the type of soup she wants.

Me: “That’s going to be a fifteen-minute wait.”

Customer: “I need it quicker!”

Me: “It takes at least ten minutes to heat up the soup.”

Customer: “Just prepare it and put it in the microwave.”

We agree to do this but two minutes later she asks me where her soup is. Two minutes later, she asks again. Two minutes later, same deal.

Customer: “Where’s my soup?”

Me: “It’s in the microwave, ma’am, but it will take a little longer.”

Customer: “Make the microwave go faster!”

Okay, well, whatever. I pull it a little early, and it’s still cold, but at this point, I don’t care. I portion out her soup.

Our to-go soup containers are taller and narrower than the in-house bowls, which are flat and wide; the volume of soup remains consistent between the two containers. I know this because the portion size is two whole ladles, regardless of the container.

I bring this customer her soup, and she immediately protests:

Customer: “You haven’t given me enough soup! I’m not going to pay the same price for less soup, just because I’m taking it to go!”

I attempt to explain that this is the same size soup, just in a different container. She stares at me the entire time with this suspicious look on her face, like she thinks I’m trying to pull a fast one on her.

Customer: “But the bowls in house are bigger.”

Me: “They’re wider, but this bowl is taller.”

After a few minutes, she eventually takes her soup. Shows back up half an hour later.

Customer: “It’s cold.”

I’m so glad I don’t work there anymore…

Related:
No Soup For You! Part 9
No Soup For You! Part 8
No Soup For You! Part 7
No Soup For You! Part 6
No Soup For You! Part 5